Letter to Myself

Dear Erratic,

NEVER EVER EVER take on 30 posts of anything, because 15 posts in you will want to kill yourself and everyone around you. Mass murder is never the answer.

Also, don't be so hard on yourself. Because, you know, you are. Stop it.

And for the love of god, IF YOU HEAR SARAH MCLAUGHLIN, CHANGE THE CHANNEL. You cannot own anymore animals before it becomes hoarding. 

Kisses!

Also Erratic

Change

Change is hard. And to list something I want to change about myself is even harder, because my instinct is always to say EVERY SINGLE THING. Not that I don't love who I am, but who doesn't see a bigger better version of themselves? I want to get better at balancing my life, I am never home, never see the boy. I need to figure out a way to have an awesome career and have time for him. But, that isn't even possible until I graduate from school. 

I want to work out every day. My job is a pretty big workout on it's own, but I want to do more. I forgot the feeling of that physical exertion and how good it feels. My lazy desk days are over and I don't want to go back.

Most of all, though, I want to not be scared to change. I spent so many years stagnant. I want to be able to make huge decisions and quit my job and go to culinary school and not have 412 panic attacks in the process. 

So, while change sucks, it is also exciting and I need to remember that it doesn't always have to suck.

Pregnancy

I think I might someday want children. I do. But, I am not ready. My life is too chaotic and I am still far too selfish to give everything to a child, the way that I should.

Having said that, if I found out I was pregnant, I would keep the baby. I would do my best to be the best damn mom I can be. I would love that child more than anything. 

Everyone always says that you are never ready to have children, but I don't believe that to be true. I believe I am capable of raising a child, but I think that in a few years I would be much better at it. In the meantime, I am going to actively prevent pregnancy until I feel that time has come.

What's the best thing going for you right now?

School. Hands down, school. I feel like I have finally found my direction and am headed towards the career I was meant to have. Whatever that may be. 

I have a lot of good things going for me, though. I have amazing friends and family. The boy has been incredibly supportive through this whole life change. I have three evil pets that I love dearly. A home over my head, a car to drive, my health. You name it. Things are pretty damn good right now. And picking one of those things isn't fair. I guess the newest thing, the thing that I haven't had for years is school and my culinary career. 

Have I ever thought about giving up on life?

No. Never. Not even for a second. I have, however, wondered what my funeral would be like, but doesn't everyone do that? 

Here's the thing...my life has never been so bad that I have considered suicide. Shitty things have happened to me, things I still deal with today. But, never so shitty I felt I couldn't go on. The ONLY way that I would consider suicide was if I was terminally ill. I think that everyone would consider that, though. Even in that situation, I am not sure I could go through with it. 

These posts keep getting shorter and shorter. I apologize. But, dammit, I am going to finish this bull shit! Just, you know, half-heartedly.

Why I think I am alive today.

I skipped the playlist one because, frankly, I don't care. I couldn't think of someone I could make a playlist for because NONE of my friends have the same taste in music that I do, so they would hate every playlist I put together. And I just didn't feel like doing it. And it's my blog and I'll skip if I want to. Yes, this just turned into a temper tantrum.

So, I am alive today because I am alive today. I mean, this is just a stupid question. I have never considered suicide or been close to death in anyway. I have been sick enough to wish I was dead a few times, but not seriously. So, reasons I am still alive.

1. I have not been hit by a bus.
2. Aliens did not abduct me and things did not go horribly wrong during the anal probing.
3. I did not become a suicide bomber.
4. I did not trip and impale myself on anything.
5. I did not strangle myself a little too hard during sex.
6. There was someone there willing to shove the needle into my heart (yeah, Pulp Fiction)
7. I did not get gunned down at a toll booth (yes, now I am just stealing from movies)
8. Snape didn't cast the killing curse on me.
9. I did not run upstairs instead of out of the house when the call came from inside the house.
10. I'm not dead

Something I wish I had done

Easy. Travel. I wish I had gone to Europe and South America and India and Canada. I know I still have time and I plan to make this happen. It just seemed so much easier 10 years ago when I had no responsibilities. No mortgage or pets or bills. So, yeah. Shortest blog post ever.

Something I wish I hadn't done

This is bitter sweet for me. I have always wished that I didn't drop out of Ohio State when I was 18. I have always wished that I followed that through and got my degree in criminal psychology. However...I am not sure where that would have led me and it is hard to wish away the life I have now. I was young and stupid and way more into smoking weed than I was college. 

But, I am happy with my life. I am happy that I am just months away from graduating from culinary school. I am happy that I am becoming a chef. If I had graduated from Ohio State with a degree in criminal psychology...I would be working for the police force in some way. A very far cry from what I am doing now. And much less of a good fit. A fascination with serial killers does not a cop make. Yes, I just said that.

I think everything happens for a reason. I think that I was lost and lacking ambition for a reason. It led me to work my ass off for the man for years, realizing that I do not ever want to work for a corporation again. It led me to culinary school, to my locally owned, locally operated organic restaurant. It led me to find satisfaction in a career I never expected.

So, while that is probably my biggest regret, I think it was also one of the best things to ever happen to me. 

Car Accident

Those of you that have been reading along with everyone who is doing this little game, I am going to say about the same thing.

My best friend gets in a car accident, but we got in a fight an hour before it. What do I do?

I go to the hospital. I sit by my friend's bedside. I cry. I apologize. I hug them. I love them. I bring flowers and stuffed animals and balloons and trashy magazines and crossword puzzles. 

The thing is, the fight was one moment in what is likely years of friendship. It was one disagreement. It doesn't define or change anything. That would be stupid. And if it was that kind of fight? A fight that you can't come back from, my answer is the same. You see your friend through this and you revisit the issue. If you still can't come back from it, you part ways. But, you never ever ever ever ever EVER walk away when someone you love needs you. 

On a totally unrelated note, why do all military personnel want to be on Wheel of Fortune? I mean, statistically speaking, there are a lot more military personnel than any other occupation. This baffles me. 

Drugs and Alcohol

Am I the only one who is moderately sick of this 30 days of truth thing? Because I am. I feel like I haven't said anything all that real in, well, 30 posts. Which is the opposite of what is supposed to happen, right? On to the next...

I don't really care about drugs and alcohol. I mean, as far as people using either. I don't care. Do it, don't do it. I drink. I have dabbled in drugs in the past, but am pretty much an alcohol only girl these days. I can only handle one vice at a time, people. And I already have alcohol AND butter. I think that anything in excess is dangerous, but I also think that each person is different. There are people who drink every single day and are functioning members of society. I think once you stop functioning you should seek help. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can't do. They only have the right to choose to be a part of your life or not. 

Drugs and alcohol aren't bad. People are bad. I understand that addiction is a disease, but each and every person with that disease chose to use for the first time. And they choose to relapse. They are choices. This is kind of a fucked up view, especially since I know people who I truly believe can't help themselves. Life is made up of the choices we make. Things don't just happen to us, we make them happen. Or allow them to continue to happen. Will power sucks. I don't have much of it, admittedly, and I deal with the consequences of it. It is this knowledge, and a lack of desire, that has kept me from ever touching "hard" drugs. 

On the flip side of that, I know people who use cocaine recreationally. Let's be honest, the restaurant industry is fueled on cocaine and caffeine. I will always be the person downing cup after cup of coffee and never be the person doing lines in the bathroom. That's my choice.

I know that it is an apathetic take on drugs and a year ago, I probably would have felt differently. But, the bottom line is that drugs are going to happen and as long as it isn't affecting me or putting me in danger, I could care less what the people around me are doing.

Religion and Politics

These are two fairly safe, unemotional subjects, right? Jeesh.

I admire people who are capable of blind faith. I am not one of them. I am a see it and believe it kind of person. I don't trust easily and I don't believe anything unless I have some facts to back it up. I have no problem with the concept of religion, but I have a very serious problem with the things that are often done in the name of religion. My father belongs to a non-denominational church that performs commitment ceremonies. They are very liberal and I feel very comfortable there. I support their charities and am more than willing to go to church services with him, despite not believing in God. I think that religion can do so much good, that it can bring people together in a way few other things can. I just wish that people wouldn't take it too far. That they would make it an important aspect of their lives instead of an all consuming obsession. I wish that people who had faith could see their God(s) as benevolent and loving, not condemning and hateful.

I think politics are linked to religion in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Separation of church and state has long been forgotten. I enjoy politics and the political process. I think that most of this country is apathetic and unaware of what is going on around them, myself included. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I am not going to go into much more detail because this could be the longest post ever.

Vote. Be a part of the process. It is important.

Gay Marriage

I think that it is extremely rude to think that I have any right to say who can and cannot get married. I don't have that right and either does anyone else. If two consenting adults want to get married, so be it. If those same two people want to have children, they should have children. If they want to adopt a child that needs a home, they are better people than I am. If they want the ability to make decisions regarding every member of their family, they should be allowed to do that. They should get health insurance and baby albums and anniversaries. 

I don't really understand who the fuck people think they are telling someone they love the wrong person. I am not saying that people do not have the right to disagree with some one's lifestyle. They have the right to live the lifestyle they want with whomever they want. End of story. Judge people, fine. Think that homosexuality is wrong. Whatever. But, what happens when we go too far? What happens when it's not just gay marriage, but interracial marriage? Remember when that was illegal? 

Two men or two women getting married hurts nobody. Absolutely nobody. So, what the fuck is the problem?

A book I read that changed my view on something

Before I talk about the book, I would like to say that I am having a shitty shit day. I slept like crap last night, so I am tired. Then in my kitchen lab, I picked up a screaming hot sauce pan that somebody set down without the courteous towel on handle to indicate it was hot. It ripped all of the skin off my fingers on my right hand. And blistered. All of the blisters popped during my shift at work. It was awesome. THEN I had yet another allergy to yet another chemical at work, and my hands are covered in hives and look like I had hand transplants from the stay puff marshmallow man. I am buying stock in fucking hydro-cortisone and benadryl anti-itch spray. BITTER, PARTY OF ONE.

Anywho...the book. The Unhealthy Truth. I was raised in a fairly healthy household. With a diabetic sister, I still to this day rarely eat a meal that does not contain a starch, protein, and vegetable. I skimp on fruit, admittedly, but usually get that in the form of smoothies at work. I get the food pyramid and I get how to eat a balanced diet. I often choose not to use this knowledge, but I contain the knowledge. Someone recommended this book to me and I read it on a whim. It lead me to Michael Pollan's books and an entirely new view of food.

I am not going to preach to you. I would be extremely frustrated with someone trying to shove this information down my throat too. I will just say one thing - the single most important factor to our own health is the food that we eat, good or bad. Isn't it important to know where this food comes from? I think that it is.

So, check out the book or don't. It is geared more towards mothers, but the information is sound. If you aren't a mom and are still interested, start with Michael Pollan. He has some pretty damn good things to say too.

Something or someone you could live without.

THE PHRASE "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID." I DO NOT EVER WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE PERSON UTTER THAT PHRASE AGAIN. EVER. 

I am not sure if it is some weird restaurant industry thing or if this phrase just happened to become popular around the time I entered the restaurant industry, but stop. Please. Stop. 

"Man, it is hot in here."

"That's what she said."

"I have a headache."

"That's what she said."

"I can't find a whisk."

"That's what she said."

That is not what she mother fucking fuck said. Nobody thinks it's funny. It has been funny, say, if you are discussing meatballs and say "I think your balls are too big" or something of that nature. Haha. That's funny because she said balls. Please entertain me with more of your devastatingly charming sense of humor.

It's not funny when you say it in response to every single phrase that I utter, therefore, making it not funny ever. Again. Ever.

In case you were wondering, also not funny...

• TMI 
• Making a "W" on your forehead and saying "Whatever"
• Adding "izzle" to anything
• Saying text language out loud (OMG, LOL, for example)
• The world chillaxing. Just, no.

Let's just all talk like grown-ups and not like mentally retarded giraffes. Deal?

Seriously. (That one was for you, C)

Something I can't live without.

I am leaving the someone out of this post title because, frankly, I am sick of saying over and over again that I don't feel that way about people. 

Anywho...the thing I could not live without is books. Truly. I use books as a way to escape from reality, a way to kill time, an outlet for my imagination. I don't just read books, I fall into them. I have been known to stay up until 4:00 am reading because I couldn't put a book down. I have never tried to live without books, so I am sure I am capable of doing it. But, dammit, I don't want to. I love my pets, the people in my life, my job. I need books. I need that release into a world that isn't mine, contemplating other people's problems, crying at their losses and cheering at their success. 

A lot of people love movies this way and I just don't really care for movies all that much. I don't watch them over and over like I read books. Television doesn't really entertain me, I am almost always doing something else while it is on. I rarely sit in front of the television and watch it. With books, I imagine what the author is describing. It seems to easy to just see it in front of me.

My Kindle is well used and I will always love the smell of a library book. I will always choose physical books over electronic, although the convenience does lure me more often than not. 

I have read the Harry Potter series more times than I am willing to admit. I love books from High School English like Catch-22 and Invisible Man. I recently fell in love with Stieg Larsson's books, although was slightly upset when I found out the movies were subtitled. Watched the first one anyway. I just bought The Origin of the Species and am so excited to read it. 

The only book I have ever put down without finishing is Angels and Demons, because, seriously, it reads like the obituaries. I finish everything I start and very very rarely do not find some quality I like about a book.

I honestly think that my life wouldn't be the same without books and it is not something I am willing to live without.

Baby Giraffes are my hero.

It's like the boy doesn't know I am going to immediately scream "I WANT A BABY GIRAFFE" as soon as I see this picture.

You're welcome. Now you all want a baby giraffe.

Yes, that is my intro to the letter I am supposed to write to a hero who let me down. Here's the thing...people let you down. Everyone eventually lets you down. And that is OK. That is life. Nobody is infallible or perfect. I don't have a hero, per se. I have people I look up to for certain reasons, but it's not like any one person is ideal to me. There is not a person whose life I admire so much as to call them a hero. I mean, we could delve into the fantasy world here and I could name fictional people, but that's not really the point, right? The point is to say that X person in my life did Y and now I am disappointed because I expected X to be better than that. Meh. That's not fair. A hero to me is someone who does the right thing and still remains true to themselves. A hero is someone who sacrifices everything for something or someone else. A hero is someone who stands up and says yes when everyone else is saying no. I am not going to be let down when that person gets drunk and pukes on their shoes. Or dings a parked car with their door. Or calls off work when they really aren't sick. 

People have faults and people let you down. That's life. Being able to forgive the let downs is heroic. Being able to overcome the bad and still love the good is much more important than idolizing someone because they fit some stereotype of heroism. 

(Now scroll back up and look at the baby giraffe. See - I'm not heartless!) 

A band that has gotten me through tough times

I know, two in one day. But, I have the day off. I have to use the time that I can. So, here is my letter to a band that has gotten me through some tough times.

Dear Pearl Jam,

You provided an outlet for my teenage anger and showed me that all of those feelings were normal. While my friends were listening to Dave Mathews Band and getting stoned, I was drinking Vodka and screaming "Porch." I have never been a glass half full kind of person and have always hated music that promoted holding hands and swaying. Just not my thing. You guys gave me music that spoke to me.

When I was 16, my best friend thought I was a lesbian because the lyrics to "Black" were written on my comically over-sized desk calendar. "Her legs spread out before me, as her body lay still" became a running joke. "Rearview Mirror" is still my breakup song of choice and can only be played at deafening volume. "Corduroy" will always and forever be my favorite song. I have a song for every single mood.

"Not For You" - pissed

"Wishlist" - pensive

"Off He Goes" - sad/lonely

"Indifference" - failure

You get the point.

As I have gotten older, the meaning of the songs have changed and my love has grown. Not only are you a great band, but you are good people. Unique people. People that do what they think is right and stand by the people they believe in. People I would love to sit and have a beer with.

I will always want to do Eddie Vedder, no matter how old he gets.

Kisses,

Erratic

Something people never compliment me on.

My patience. Dear Lord, my patience. You can't compliment someone on something that they have absolutely zero of. Can't get a knot out of a necklace? I will probably try for, oh, a nanosecond and then just deem the necklace a lost cause and never wear it again. Can't get the dog to learn to shake? I will work with him for, oh, a nanosecond and then give up entirely declaring him too stupid to get it.

I want to be patient. I really, really do. I want to be that person that spends an hour getting the knot out of the necklace and then proudly wears it as a sign of their accomplishment. I want to be the person who spent hours teaching the dogs tricks. I will never be that person. Ever. 

I also want things RIGHT NOW. Say, for example, I am aware that there is a present for me in my immediate vicinity. I will follow the giver of the gift around saying "give it to me" until they either give it to me or render me unconscious. I don't want to wait until the appropriate time. I want it right the fuckity fuck now.

The part I really hate about my impatience is it keeps me from learning new things because I don't have the patience to get good at them. It's why I have never played sports. It is why I have few hobbies and why I rarely try new things. I wish I was different, but it takes patience to change. Kind of a catch-22.

Something people compliment me on

People compliment me on weird things. Like, my hair. I have naturally curly hair that I pretty much just let air dry most days. Since it is naturally curly, it is also kind of oily, so I have that shiny hair thing going on too. So, yeah, my hair. I have had men tell me I have great hair. Straight men. 

I personally hate it. I would much rather have straight hair, but I make do with my white girl afro.

I also get compliments on my skin a lot. I don't wear make up really at all. (I know, I am just the image of fashion with my air dried hair and make-up-less face.) I hate my skin because my face is always red. ALWAYS. I don't have high blood pressure or any other valid reason for always having a red face. My mom is the same way. Fucking genetics.

It's funny how the things that people envy are also the things we hate about ourselves. I would much rather someone say I have pretty eyes than nice hair, but, nope. Nice hair and skin is about it, kids.

Someone you need to let go.

All right...I am just skipping this one. I have answered it, for the most part, in the last two posts. 

However, I want to talk about something else. I need all of your advice. Everything that has happened with my sister in the past year started last Thanksgiving when she had two diabetic seizures in my house. That is why I was so paranoid when she was vomiting at her bachelorette party, which led to the horrible things she said to me, which led to her throwing me out of her wedding, which led to all of the hurt and heart break that has come over this past year. If you need background, go here. I went to the wedding and I smiled and I supported her and gave a bad ass maid of honor speech. I did everything I was supposed to. 

I have gotten no apologies and this isn't the first time this has happened. This is a lifetime of her treating people like shit and everyone just taking it because she is sick and has had a hard life. It is her calling only when she needs me and never being there when I need her. It is getting so excited to get a voicemail from her only for it to be a half-assed birthday wish followed by never returning my call. I have not spoken to her or had any contact with her since May.

I called my mother today to say hi and catch up. She mentioned that my sister was planning on coming to Ohio for Thanksgiving. I had no idea. I called my dad and asked, who confirmed that was the case. He then asked if she could stay with me. I discussed it with the boy, who adamantly said no after everything that has happened this year, and decided it would be better if she didn't. When I told my father this, he was pissed because it was going to cause drama (she always stayed with me in the past) and he already had enough family drama going on. He understood and said he would take care of it, but rushed me off the phone with barely a good bye.

So, am I being selfish? Am I the ass hole here? I feel like an ass hole. But, I know how this ends. It ends with me bending over backwards to make her comfortable while her dog shits in my house and she trashes my guest room and is ungrateful and mean the whole time. She will snap at everyone around her and make us all feel like shit. I will be in tears at least once. But, my dad has enough stress. So, do I sacrifice myself so that he has a better Thanksgiving weekend? Do I sacrifice the sanity of my home to help the sanity of his? 

My cousin and her husband are staying here with their dog. Is it fucked up to say she is welcome when my own sister isn't? Not in my home, not really in my life. At least not more than superficially. It isn't about love, I love my sister more than myself. But, I don't really like her. And she hurt me, profoundly. I don't hold grudges, this isn't about forgiveness. It is about self preservation. 

Is it selfish to choose me?