Sunday, March 23, 2014

Self preservation

The boy unfriended me on facebook. And I am upset about it. Not because my feelings are hurt but because I know he did it because I hurt him. 

When I ended things, I thought I was saying what both of us were feeling. I thought there would be shock, then relief. I thought he felt guilty and stuck around because I didn't make enough money to make it on my own. I stayed longer than I should have for the same reason. 

I was wrong. I hurt him. The day I moved out he posted on facebook that it was the hardest day of his life. 

I meant it when I said I wanted to remain friends. I had to block his posts because it upset me to see him upset. I needed space from him so that we could be friends. 

He said that when he was ready, he wanted to talk. To know what happened. I agreed, knowing I would never have that conversation and open wounds he had worked to heal. 

I got a call the other day about NCH from the vet. I called to relay the message and was sent straight to voicemail. It stung a little. That's not how friends treat each other. 

I was doing a facebook cleaning today and as I went through my friends list I realized he wasn't there. Nor were his friends from high school. And it hit me. I hurt him again. 

Giddy off of finally being out at work, man-pants and I decided to change our profile pictures and become facebook official. We were so excited that we could tell people, I didn't think what it would do to him. Maybe it was before that and I just didn't notice. I don't know. But it upset me that I could have hurt him again. And it upset me that I will probably never see him again. Or our mutual friends. It occurred to me that my getting out of an extremely unhappy, unhealthy situation for me was devastating for him. It occurred to me that he probably hates me. And the people he talks to on a regular basis probably hate me too. 

To all of them, I left suddenly and unexpectedly leaving him stunned and devastated. None of them see that I made a handful of extremely hard decisions so that I could hopefully find happiness. 

I suppose this is how break ups go. The people who knew me well were not surprised. The people who didn't were shocked. Comfortable is not happy. 

I had a boyfriend do something very similar to me and it has only been in the past few years that I could imagine having a drink with him. 

I hope one day the boy gets there. I really do. Because I miss his friendship. And it hurts me to know that we will never grab that drink. And that it is because of my actions and how much I hurt him. My intentions were never to do him any harm, they were simply to save myself.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Finding the real me.


I have this terrible habit of dooming things before they start. Every weekend, I dread Sunday because it means the weekend is almost over. I can pick apart any situation and find the negative. 

I am changing that. When you go through essentially a divorce, move and change jobs in a month, dwelling on the negative ends in a nervous breakdown. A lot went really, really wrong really, really fast. And something in me broke. I lost the ability to doom everything. I hit rock bottom, if you will. There was no where to go but up. I started giving myself pep talks, forcing myself to see the positive in every situation. My apartment is a shit hole and my landlord is a slumlord. But it's mine. And I am safe and on the same block as one of my favorite bars. And I love my neighbors. You get the point. 

Can I tell you what a difference it has made in my life? I don't normally do the preachy, life is wonderful kind of thing, but man is life wonderful. Bad things are still happenning. I have just the same amount of stress I have always had. But instead of stressing out, I force myself to focus on the positive things in my life. Do I slip? Absolutely. But I feel like I am in control of my life for the first time. I am controlling my own happiness. No more letting things happen to me. 

Most importantly, I am making decisions that make me happy. I'm not making decisions to make other people happy. That's not to say I am a sociopath or anything. But I had to stop caring what people thought because, frankly, it hurt too much to see the pity in their eyes. It hurt too much to try to guess what they were saying about me. 

I dyed my hair purple and blue. That sounds crazy, I know. But it was done professionally and it is so bad ass I can't even tell you. I will have man-pants take pictures and post them so you all don't think I have lost my mind.


I am in the process of getting a food sleeve on my left arm. 

And I am doing these things because they make me happy. I have always wanted to dye my hair crazy colors. I love having art on my body. 

I am happy. And I can attribute it all to positive thinking. The queen of sarcasm and pessimism has gone to the dark side. Or perhaps the light side in this case. And it feels damn good.

Herbert, my new BFF

It is sixty degrees and sunny and I am writing a blog post. Why, yes, I have lost my mind, thank you for asking. I also am not wearing pants. But I swear I will put on pants and go outside as soon as I am done. 

I have mice. Or mouse as I have only seen one. But more than likely mice. I discovered this when I grabbed a loaf of bread off the refrigerator and there was a mouse sized hole in it. I turned to man-pants and declared that we now had tiny little pets and should we buy them sweaters? He looked at me like I had lost my damn mind and drug me to the hardware store for mouse killing devices. 

See, everytime I have had mice, I have just coexisted with them. They don't bother me and I have never had an infestation of any kind. Just signs here and there. Maybe a sighting now and then. Apparently I am weird and death to all mice. I can't handle the thought of killing said mice, so man-pants was in charge. We bought glue traps (the snappy ones with a dog? No) and he was going to put them someplace I would never see a dead animal and the dog would never eat a dead animal. 

The traps are still sitting on top of the fridge. So, last night I went to get a glass of wine and turned on the kitchen light and there goes Herbert running from the wine rack to under the fridge. I screamed like a girl because it scared the living shit out of me. But then I kept going in the kitchen trying to find him because he was adorable. And probably chilly because he didn't have a sweater. Man-pants upon observing my obsession with Herbert rolled his eyes and declared we would go to the store tomorrow and get catch and release traps. That is true love right there. 

Except he has to drive because my perfectly lovely car is still sitting out back. 

I wonder how he feels about otters? 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

10 people I DIDN'T hire

I'm currently hiring a part time dish washer. This seems like a normal everyday thing a kitchen manager would do, right? Ha! Yeah, I thought so too. 

1. The kid who showed up for his job interview in a hoodie, with the hood up. 20 minutes late. And stoned.

2. The guy who filled out the last four digits of his social security number with "51."

3. The woman who is only available Tuesday through Friday 2pm to 7pm. The Craigslist ad clearly stated must be available nights and weekends.

4. The man who answered no to being arrested for more than a minor misdemeanor...but when I ran the background check it pulled up TWELVE domestic violence arrests.

5. The brother of my current dishwasher who,, when asked to text me when he was available for a working interview, simply sent a text that said "schedules tight" and I haven't heard from him since.

6. The person who emailed (when the ad had a link to fill out an online app) their resume which listed three jobs and that's it. Where they worked and how long. Nothing more, nothing less.

7. The other person who emailed me their resume which contained a phone number that was disconnected. 

8. The guy who answered his phone "what up dawg" and refused to give me his birthdate for the background check.

9. The woman who asked if she could split the shifts with her friend because she didn't want to work 10 hours straight.

10. The person who returned my call totally shit faced at 10 am. 

Monday, March 3, 2014

The episode where Erratic learns she is driving the bat mobile.

Well...we are officially out at work. All of my gay friends find it hilarious that we have been in the closet for almost two months. It feels pretty awesome. When we went in public, we had a strict no affection rule. Now walking down the street holding hands is not a big deal. 

It happened exactly how we both thought it would. One day nobody knew, the next day EVERYBODY knew. And nobody seems to care beyond it being the latest gossip. All of this hiding for nothing.

On a TOTALLY unrelated note, have any of you heard of Car2Go? The basic concept is you get a membership and you can drive these cars anytime you want for like $.38/minute (I don't know the exact cost.) They park at meters for free too. It is sort of the best thing ever. Costs me about $2.60 one way to take them to work. Bus fare is $2 and takes about a half hour. To go a mile. So worth $.60 to me. 

Why am I driving a Car2Go to work, you ask? Well...let me tell you a tale I like to call Erratic blows up her car.

Unless you live on Mars, you know this winter has been absolutely horrific. We are 15 inches from breaking the snow record for Ohio. It is the third "snowiest" winter on record. And let's not even talk about the weeks of sub zero temperatures and the time a space heater blew a fuse and I had no electricity in the front half of my apartment for a week. So, naturally lots of snow means lots of pot holes. The two by three foot one that was 6 inches deep was the death of my front right tire. Now. I have the money to fix it. It's amazing how not tight money is when you live well below your means. I have the time to fix it. However, I do not have the lock key to the lug nut. Now I realize your reaction is probably one of light amusement. Get another one, you are thinking. This is a stupid blog post about you going to the store is crossing your mind. Don't worry, I felt the same way. It's a natural reaction. 

It is 2014 and I cannot get the tire off my car. It has been a week. 

First we tried AAA. They are efficient and fast and wonderful, right? This is true when they don't send Joe Dirt from Joe's incompetent and slightly smelly towing. Nice AAA sticker you slapped, crookedly, on your truck. 30 seconds of trying and nope, that tire is on there forever, time for a new car. Oh! And I am going to block the alley for an hour while I write this all up. LONGER THAN I SPEND TRYING TO GET YOUR TIRE OFF. 

This is when I started searching for gasoline and a match. Man-pants started calling around for estimates on the fire departments reaction time.

The next day we take a field trip to the dealership where I bought the car. I walk right up to the parts department and have the following conversation.

E: I have misplaced the key to my locking lug nut. 
Parts guy: do you want to purchase a new set of locking lug nuts?
E: no. My tire is flat and I need to change it.
PG: is the car here?
E: no. I have a flat tire. 
PG: well, we have everything here to help you if you bring the car in. 
E: I can't change my tire to get the car to you.
PG: well, we have keys here, but I can't loan them out.
E: I don't want to borrow a new one, I want to buy one.
PG: oh!! Well, that's easy. Your car came with a tiny piece of paper with a code on it. If you bring that in, we can sell you a new one.
E: I bought my car 9 years ago and was never told that a tiny piece of paper bore any sort of importance. Seriously? (At this point I thought I was being Punk'd)
PG: or you can bring the car in and I will sell you one. 
E: I have a flat tire...just...never mind.

I proceeded to walk out and demand that man-pants take me somewhere with booze immediately. 

Also...tiny piece of paper with a code on it? AM I SECRETLY DRIVING THE BAT MOBILE? 

So, my car sits behind my apartment with a flat tire and no solution in sight. On a happy note, I am now positive I can survive without a car! As long as I never need to leave downtown for any reason. 

There was also an evening last week that man-pants took to you tube to find a way to get the lug nuts off without a key. The only result was him being very cold and quite drunk by the time I got home. Ugh. Cars...am I right?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Dating woes

I learned something very important being single in my thirties...there is almost always a reason people are still single in their thirties. Some are perfectly reasonable, like divorce or a break up or some such thing. Some of these people are just fucking crazy. 

What is funny about my dating stories is that all of this happened once I started the new job and man-pants was sort of the person I confided in and vice versa. We would exchange our horrible dating stories and laugh about them, both of us secretly happy it didn't work out. I will say it again, every relationship should start as a friendship. He became one of my closest friends and the transition into a relationship was ridiculously easy and natural. 

On to Erratic's dating horror stories...

I will start with the beer delivery guy. I have known him for some time, he delivered to a restaurant I worked for. We have been facebook friends and text now and then. This was probably the only story I didn't immediately find hilarious because I genuinely had high hopes for this. We talked on and off for several weeks and then decided to grab a beer. It went great. I actually spent New Years Eve on the phone with him for four hours. (I worked until 11) Out of the blue, he told me I was too clingy and needy and it was a huge turn off. Then he not only unfriended me on Facebook, he blocked me. I still have zero clue what happened because I am not clingy nor needy. At all. In fact, I am the polar opposite of both those things. His text (yes, text) said something along the lines of "I have consulted a friend and after much deliberation, despite you being a great kisser, I do not want to persue a relationship with you." I am not entirely sure if I got blown off or just didn't get a job I didn't know I applied for. 

Then there was the chemist who I met at a bar by my house. Really great guy. We went out several times. We made plans one night to cook dinner at my apartment. He was going to grab stuff from the store and meet me here after work. At about 4:00 pm he said he was leaving for the store. I never heard from him again. I know he is fine because he has an iPhone which shows me when a message is read. No explanation, just never heard from him again.

There was the non-date, date. I volunteer at a battered women's shelter and a men's mission. I took one of the guys from the mission to a job interview and then treated him to lunch. I am 99% sure he thought it was a date. Needless to say, I stopped responding to his texts when they got sexual.

There was the guy who literally said nothing the entire date and then got mad when I ended it early. I was called a tease and told that we had great chemistry, I was just too stupid and stuck up to see it. He literally said NOTHING but one word answers to questions I asked. Oh and when I ended it early, he left and stuck me with the bill. 

And I most certainly saved the best for last. I again met this guy at the bar, we exchanged numbers since we were both out with friends. He was incredibly good looking and was a counselor at a shelter for troubled boys. Kind of thought this guy was perfect. We talked on and off for a week - he worked second shift making it difficult to mesh schedules. We finally went out and came back to my apartment to watch a movie. He pulled me into his lap and when I turned to kiss him, he put a finger in front of my lips and said "I don't kiss, but you can suck my dick if you want." Needless to say I threw him out and never spoke to him again. Who does that?

But it all lead me to man-pants, so I suppose it was good to get all the bad ones out of the way. I know I wasn't single long, but I genuinely hope I never have to be single again. Because like Josey said in the comments...sometimes you just know. 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Neighborhood

What summer brought living on my street was warm nights drinking beer on the stoop. It was support when everyone was sort of falling apart. It was a little family that held each other up. 

This winter has been rough. Freezing cold temperatures, record snow fall, and very little time outside of the house. This brought out a lot of depression amongst the street, myself included. Luckily man-pants came along and made me want to spend all of my time in my apartment. 

Not so much for everyone else. My neighbors lost one of their mothers and have been traveling back and forth to Indiana since Thanksgiving. I can hear them screaming at each other through the floor. 

Another neighbor just stopped taking care of his pets and finally surrendered them to the humane society. He owes two of us so much money we have lost track.

Another neighbor is pretty much drinking 24/7, including at work. He works for me two nights a week for some extra money washing dishes. The first time I have proof he is drinking, I will fire him. I have already decided I do not want him to be a part of my life. 

I am lucky that I do not suffer from mental illness. And I have done everything I can to be there for the neighbors. But I just can't anymore. Our little family is slowly becoming smaller as everyone is coming to the same conclusion that I have. And that is ok. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I don't know what spring will bring. I hope it snaps everyone out of this and maybe some friendships can be mended. Maybe they can't. But needless to say, the snow that is coming tomorrow is quite unwelcome.