I know most of you don't read the site...

I chose not to participate for ridiculously shallow reasons. Also because I choose to be anonymous. Maybe a little because I forgot when the deadline was and was trying to think of a way to express myself without showing my face. Regardless. I love this. Absolutely love this. 

Wherein...I make no sense...and may need a hug...which will make me uncomfortable...life is hard.

I started a draft. That I wanted to post. And Blogger didn't save it. So...

Here is a summary:

I am cooking a dinner party on Saturday that I am ridiculously nervous about. Like, last night I may or may not have taken a prescription anxiety pill that was not prescribed to me. But, dude. I would have dug a hole to china via my bed if I hadn't.

I want to make this a little more of a food blog. Not over the top. Just some more recipes, photos, etc. How do you all feel about that? I have also toiled with the thought of a separate blog for food...but I want all of you to be a part of everything. Is that weird? Have I become too attached? Are you OK with me having a shrine of each of you in a closet in my guest room that I spend all of my time petting?

I can't stop laughing at how creepy that last comment was.

I talk to myself. A LOT. And the boy fell asleep next to me on the couch during my "me" time and it has been a struggle to not have an open and honest dialogue with myself. 

The key is to embrace the crazy and love it...if you think too hard, you fall into the hole.

I am going to have two recipes on the restaurant week menu this time. Maybe more. 

Mussels in a lemongrass broth.

Braised Pork Belly. (which I am cooking for this dinner party and I need to tweak if necessary.)

Speaking of reasons for anxiety meds...

It's funny because I left my old life and went to culinary school because of stress. And here I am. I guess it is just different when you love the outcome of the stress. Or I am a stress junky or some shit. 

Regardless...I am so fucking nervous. You guys. So. Fucking. Nervous. Dinner Party.

I always picture myself as a failure. Which is the opposite of most people in my industry. I get that. But insecurity breeds humility. And I guess somebody has to be that person. Ugh. Nobody likes that person.

Random Emotional Shit

I don't know what made me do it. But I went back to my Violence Unsilenced Post and read all of the comments. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I promised myself that I would just put it out there and be done. That it would be over. I spoke out. I finally told everyone everything. It was over.

And I cried. Tears just streamed down my face. Thank you to everyone who said something kind and supportive and amazing. I drank a bottle of wine and I cried. I can't even put words to what those comments meant. I really can't. 

Fuck. Thank you.

The Boy and the Holiday Which Will Not Be Named.

My card to the boy:

"A love like ours is rare and precious as a perfectly cut diamond. Intricately faceted, shimmering and dazzling, and promising to last forever. And on this most special Valentines Day, I simply have to say...

I think this card made me throw up in my mouth a little. (Sorry. I do think our love is pretty awesome, though.)"

His reaction:

I was going to say, that was a little weird. That wasn't like you at all.

I like it. Ha. I like it.

This is why we work. He may be romantic (the dinner that we weren't supposed to go on to save money... I just found out he is surprising me with dinner at an undisclosed location) but I am so completely not romantic. But food is always romantic to me. And he loves to surprise me and try to convince me that we are actually going to the Waffle House Valentines Day. I so know we aren't.

It may not be the norm. It may not be what every girl dreams of. But, it is what this girl dreams of. I so love this man.

Happy Valentines Day, baby. Even if I really, really, really hate this holiday. I do it for you.

There is no title that will make this post anything less than terrifying.

I have a confession to make. 

I kind of want to be a hipster. DON'T STOP READING. Let me explain.

I spend a lot of time immersed in the hipster life style, because restaurant people (specifically front of the house people) are generally hipster. Also, old job should have been called "Hipsters Eat Here Everyday" because, dear God. 

I don't necessarily want to talk like them. Or think everything I do is awesome because it is so not awesome. 

But, I love the clothes! The traditionally hipster clothes. I already wear Converse every single day. Wait, is that still a hipster thing? Or is it not because now it is cool? Is it even cool?

I am terrible at this.

But, I love the layers and the ironic T-Shirts. And the slouchy hats. And I want to sit in coffee shops and drink coffee and play on my iPhone. Wait...are iPhones still hipster? I should have done more research.

HOWEVER. I don't like hipsters. They are annoyingly superior. I am not like that. In fact, I am the opposite of that. I am riddled with self doubt. Mostly in my knowledge of hipsters.

This post is slowly derailing in a very epic, giant flames, black smoke, people taking video to upload to YouTube way.

I really just want the clothes. And the lifestyle. The boy and I are planning a big move to the city. What? Yes. The city. Downtown where we walk to work. Or one of us walks to work the other drives or takes the bus or rides their bike. We also need to acquire bikes.

Who is letting me type this right now? Seriously? It's like I thought the word hipster and said BLOG POST with absolutely nothing else. Oh, wait...I saw a picture of an outfit on Pinterest. You guys, you now know my method. I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I want to live in our perfect city house and cook amazing, local, organic food and walk to the grocery store and have a garden in my yard (PEOPLE HAVE THOSE, DID YOU KNOW?) and maybe get chickens (!!!) and have this perfect little homestead in the city. I want this oh so bad. 

And, yes, I envision myself much skinnier, wearing much cooler clothes and slouchy hats and Chuck Taylors and doing fabulous things like spending the day sipping coffee in the Book Loft  while pretending to care about Chaucer. Because, let's be honest. I read a lot, but it's mostly about wizards. And dragons. That probably isn't very hipster. 

I just googled what do hipsters read and this came up. I would be a TERRIBLE hipster. I think what I just realized is that I want to live in the city and dress like a bum and be perceived as cool. But, don't worry, I will shower.

I should really just delete this post. But, I googled. Which is more effort than I normally put into blogging. Wait? Is blogging a hipster thing?

Fuck. Who lets me have a blog? Someone should really put a stop to me.

Things that are annoying me today

1. Facebook. For the love of everything, your Facebook status is not the way to passively aggressively tell someone what you think. TELL. THEM. And I really don't care that the person you are intending this for is logging on under multiple Facebook accounts to comment on your shit. I. DON'T. CARE. Please continue your status updates about the weather and how awesome your kid is. That was much more tolerable.
2. My hands. That I am still getting hives on. And my lack of health insurance so I can't go to an allergist to figure out WTF is wrong. Can I still cook with two stumps?
3. Being judged for reading. I need to explain this. People often ask me what my hobbies are...well, I don't really have any. I read. A lot. Daily. For hours. I don't need anything else...so why do people always balk when I say my only hobby is reading? I do other things. It's just the only thing that I do on a regular basis that I love. Get over it. I have been this way since I was a little girl. I prefer the imaginary world of books to the real one. 
4. My lack of friends to play Scramble with friends with. I am hooked. Addicted. Need an intervention. Someone take over my phone. OOH! I am adding that to my hobby list. Reading and iPhone games. I am a giant tool.
5. My legs. I am trying to start running and my legs are SO TIGHT I can't really do it. All my muscles are like this...my back is like a rock. Always. I have to stretch it daily or I can't move. BUT there are a lot of stretches for legs that are bad for people with my kind of back injuries. I have been adding leg stretches to my routine, but holy crap. It's just not working. Can I tell you about stretching my groin muscle and having NO IDEA how good that could feel? Not in THAT way. Is it normal for muscles to be this tight? My dad is the same way. I blame genetics.
6. Prop 8. Two people said it better than me, so I will just quote them. "The flip side of democracy is that the view of the majority cannot be used to oppress the minority. Ass Hats."  and "Prop 8 is ruled unconstitutional. Also, the sky is ruled blue; water is ruled wet." WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION. See...their quotes are better.
7. My cat trying to kill me. LOVE ME GOD DAMMIT. I am nice to him, I feed him, I provide him a lovely home, I give him cat nip and buy him ridiculous cat houses. I let him out on the deck to get fresh air. It is possible that I may force him to let me hug him. Or give him kisses. BUT I THROW THAT GOD DAMN MOUSE FOR HIM EVERY NIGHT. I love his independence, but I hate how I feel like I won the lottery every time he jumps on my lap. AND YES I WOULD LIKE SOME CHEESE WITH MY WHINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
8. Not having all the information. Let's not say I am nosy. Let's say I am curious. Or love information. Or something that is not me being nosy. But, I hate when people give you 1/10th of the story. I respect people's privacy, but mother fucker, I want to know what is going on. I must know. It might be a sickness. TELL ME EVERYTHING. I think this is why I like blogs so much. Everything is just out there. I also think that this is why none of my close friends have boundaries.
9. Physical boundaries...that is a whole other story. Can we put a table between us? Awesome? How about we just have 5 drinks and sit on opposite sides of something and chat. So...work. Yeah, they think it is HI-LARIOUS that I am uncomfortable with people being close to me. Or touching me. So, today's game was "I am not touching you" where in they followed me from room to room and circled around me, inches from me, chanting "I am not touching you." And then my boss poke me in the side and say "I TOUCHED HER" and everyone would laugh hysterically. Someone made the comment "I have never seen a person's face turn that red." Also, my safe word is gang rape. Because, apparently you need safe words at my work. I work in some sort of prison playground. Sometimes I wish you could all be there with me one day and see the hilarity/torture. It is always a fine line between laughter and sobbing.
10. Valentines Day. I'M SORRY. I hate it. I hate Hallmark holidays. If you want a day to be romantic, then do it on a random Monday. That means so much more. But, my idea of romance is someone else cooking dinner, a bottle of wine, and cuddling while watching Harry Potter. Not flowers. Ugh. Not flowers. Not candy. I will, however, take the expensive dinner. Did I mention wine?

A plea for help and a little bit about inspiration.

One of the sous chefs at work got into it with our owner (who is still crazy) and wants out. Which means there is a sous chef position that is about to open up. And, you guys, I am probably going to get it. 

Having said that, our recipes for the next Restaurant Week are due this Friday and I really want to impress. I have a list of about 50 things I have come up with, but none of them are wowing me. None of them are "this will definitely get you the sous chef job" ideas.

I don't want to put this on Facebook or twitter because, well, people I work with will see it. And know I am desperate and want that job OH SO BAD. 

So I am turning to you all...what is the best restaurant dish you have ever had? What is something you would go out of your way to go to a restaurant and eat? 

Our price point is $35 for a fixed price menu...an app, a soup or salad, a main course, and a dessert. Obviously our pastry chef handles the latter. The value of the meal is about $60. 

I know a lot of you don't comment at all and I am not going to beg anyone to comment here. I just need a few good suggestions...and being that my audience is all over the country and world, I think you all are my best hope. 

 

And don't worry...I am not going to steal your favorite restaurant's dish. I am looking solely for inspiration here. 

I don't know where chef's traditionally get their inspiration, but I get it from eating and talking about food. Reading food blogs, recipes, cookbooks. 

I am hosting a supper club in two weeks. One of the menu dishes I am making is a maple glazed pork belly with a shaved Brussells sprout salad. I got the inspiration from another restaurant's menu for restaurant week. They are serving a pork belly with tomato confit. Another restaurant is serving a shaved root vegetable salad. As I was looking through these menus, I thought to myself, well, shit. What is better than a fatty roasted pork belly with sweet maple syrup? What would cut through that fat nicely? The bitterness of Brussells sprouts. Dressed in a light vinaigrette. 

I am just hoping one of you inspires me like that. Just a simple dish that sparks the chain that ends in amazing food.