Friday, July 25, 2014

You're Fired! Just kidding. Maybe.

The first time I fired someone, I left the conference room, went straight to the bathroom and threw up. 

I was 23. Maybe 24. I felt like a total ass hole. It was the only person I have ever fired prior to my current job. I had a part in other people getting fired, definitely. But not the act itself.

I have lost count of the number of people I have fired since I started my current job. I currently have 22 people working in my kitchen alone, this doesn't count the servers and bartenders employed by the restaurant. 

And this may sound ridiculously cold, but it is easy. Compared to the first time, I don't have a single qualm about any person I have fired. Every single person was adequately warned or broke company policy. They all expected it. 

One guy was caught smoking weed on the clock.

One guy was late so many times that I suspended him. Then he called at 6 pm for a shift that started at 10 am.

One guy called off 3 times in his first month.

And so on. Obvious reasons to let every single one of them go. 

Enter this week. I have a meeting tomorrow that will determine the fate of two of my staff members. One of them has been an employee for 7 years. He has a shit attitude and the owner is done. He also has crippling depression and a drinking problem that affects his mood. And the front of house manager HATES him. I don't think I am going to win the fight for him. But I am going to have to fire him.

The second employee is someone who helps to the point of their own detriment.  She tries so hard but is genuinely just really really bad at her job. I like her. But I am fairly certain I have to fire her. 

Neither of these people will see it coming. Neither of these people will have any kind of back up plan or any other jobs lined up. It will totally shock them both. 

I suddenly find myself extremely uncomfortable at the thought of firing either one of them. I will be backed into a corner and my hand will be forced in both cases. 

This job is hard. It's hard to juggle 20 something people's lives. It's hard when I have to cut hours and hurt someone's well being. It's hard when I have to fire people I don't want to fire. It's hard being in charge. I have been a manager before, but never in a circumstance where I am reporting directly to an owner who basically says "call me only if necessary." It's my kitchen, my staff. It's me fielding the calls when someone is unhappy and me fielding the call offs. It is me covering the shifts. It is me me me me me. 

Sometimes that is nice. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Tonight is the latter. 

I spent an hour on the phone with one of my shift leads tonight discussing basically all of this. 

It's hard to be liked and to manage. 

It's hard to be effective and to still do what I love.

It's hard to be good at my job and care about the people who work for me. 

Today is hard. Tomorrow will be significantly harder. 

This is not my dream job, because my dream job is to own my own restaurant. But this is as close as I have come. And right now, in this moment, in the next 24 hours, I really fucking hate my job.

My front of house manager said that he has become so desensitized to firing people it doesn't even phase him. He has fired pregnant women, single dads, so on and so forth with no remorse. 

If I ever get there, I am lost. 

If I ever get there, I am not me anymore.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Catching Up

Where to start? An explanation perhaps? A brief one.

I didn't feel comfortable writing here. I am still not 100% sure that I do. I lost a lot of friends when my relationship with the boy ended, people I did not anticipate losing. People that read this blog. And while I would love to say, fuck them, I don't care what people think...that's not true. And I didn't want my stories, my life just put out there for everyone to read and then gossip about behind my back. But, I guess, in the end, what difference does it make?

I considered starting a new blog, but I didn't really want to do that either. I want to change the face, the feel of this blog for sure. Because I am no longer the person who started this. But a new blog? That feels wrong to me.

I considered just not writing at all anymore. But I miss it. A lot. I miss the connections I have made here. And maybe most of them are gone, which I would totally understand. Hopefully they come back. And maybe, just maybe, I will make some new connections.

If you only know me from the blogging world, I am still out there reading. I still think about all of you and love you all dearly. I have literally just had a phone at my disposal for almost a year.

And it's funny, my neighbor offered to take a look at my laptop and fixed it in 10 minutes. No clue what she did, but I am ever so grateful.

So, let me summarize the past year of my life.

I changed everything. And I mean, everything. All changes that I have felt inside of me for a long time. I am not going to dwell on the past and lament about the series of mistakes that ended with me in a life I never wanted. A life I tried to make the best of and couldn't. All that matters is now. No matter how crazy everyone thinks I went, which I know they do. Those that have spoken to me since this all happened know that I am the happiest I have ever been. And THAT is what matters.

That wasn't all that brief. We all know how long winded I can be.

I just got back from a week in St. Louis that I needed SO BADLY. It has been over three years since I had more than 2 consecutive days off in a row. I can't remember, since starting this job, a week that I haven't worked on my day off. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. Do not get me wrong, everyone there yells at me to go home. But I needed this week. 

It started off as a tour of the midwest, hitting up Chicago, Indianapolis and St. Louis to see family and friends. Then man-pants couldn't get any time off. Then right as we were getting ready to leave to come home, he got the time off very unexpectedly. So we missed seeing a lot of people we wanted to see because of how unorganized the plans were. We had a great time, it just wasn't what either of us expected it to be.

We are staying in my shitty apartment until Spring to bank money because we are going to Aruba in March!! So, 450 square feet with two people, a dog and a cat. 

Oh yeah, we got a cat. My friend is moving to LA and couldn't take him. He is HANDS DOWN the sweetest cat I have ever met. But, fucking shit, he never shuts up. Like ever. Meow, meow, meow, I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU. That is 3 am every single day here. I love him very much and would never actually murder him. But have about exhausted "SHUT THE FUCK UP CAT" solutions. Any suggestions?

So, that is about it for me. Gratuitous cuteness below. 


Thursday, July 17, 2014

I'm back!

My laptop has returned to working order. Expect more posts soon! Would post tonight, but downloading a years worth of updates. Can't wait to be back!!! 

Friday, May 30, 2014

This post focuses on me being an asshole...and also my asshole

Prepare yourself for TMI. My period has decided lately that it will be SUPER heavy, make me constipated and then cause lower back pain. 

This is month three of this shit. (Pun intended)

I was whining to man-pants tonight and tried to stand up to go pee and exclaimed the following:

"It's like god cuts off your fucking leg. So you have no leg. And then he flicks you in the forehead. That is my lower back pain, god is flicking me in the fucking forehead." Which is what I said as I literally waddled to the bathroom like I was about to birth a bowling ball.

This post is NSFC.

Didn't laugh? Man-pants didn't get it either. The real lesson here is don't let nuns read my blog. And flicking someone in the forehead is a dick move. And know Internet short hand. Because if you don't know what NSFW means, I feel like you accidentally open a lot of vulgar shit in staff meetings. And then send me angry text messages about how I should warn you before I send that shit. 

My bad.  

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Judgement, love and support

I have been struggling, really struggling lately. I am the happiest I have been in recent memory. It seems as if in the past year everything has fallen into place. I had to make some hard choices and I hurt some people along the way. I regret that part of it immensely. I also realize from the outside looking in, it looks like I had a nervous breakdown. And putting the people around me through that stress has been eating away at me. I find myself in tears quite often thinking of the whispers around the holidays. Of the events that have recently come to light that crippled me for days because of how hurtful and deceitful they were. I find myself dwelling on that rather than moving forward. 

And I find myself not being able to move past the stigma of dating an employee. Granted, in 3 weeks he is taking over another restaurant in the company and it will all be moot. But I feel as though there has been a rain cloud following me around on the sunniest day of my life. And I can't seem to let it go. 

Until last Thursday. Big Jed has been studying EPT, or Emotional Polarity Technique. I will let you all google that on your own, but basically it is a holistic approach to emotion. To finding the root cause of a certain emotion and allowing yourself to let it go through understanding and polarity. (That is definitely dumbing it down, so maybe Big Jed can elaborate in the comments or post a link that isn't terrible.)

Anyway, she asked if I could be one of her practice patients to help get her certification. I, of course, agreed and decided that this was the issue I needed to discuss...in short why everyone else affected my happiness so much. And after much digging and finding the shocking root of the problem, she completed the therapy and I felt, well, tired. 

Queue the next day, it was like the black cloud had been lifted. I no longer felt guilty that everyone was worried about me because I wasn't. And if they talked to me, they wouldn't worry either. I no longer cared about how man-pants and I met because this is the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Not a doubt in my mind and there hasn't been since day one. I no longer care if people doubt the decisions I am making because I know they are right for me, healthy for me. For the first time in my entire adult life I feel free. I love my friends and family, but it's not my place to judge their choices just as it is not theirs to judge mine. As long as they are happy and healthy, I don't give a shit. As long as I am happy and healthy, I give nobody the right to make me feel bad about my choices. 

I know that seems obvious and very easy to say...and I have said those words outloud 100 times. And meant them only now. I feel like for the first time in my life, I get to just be me. The good, the bad, me. Man-pants sees it all. And, shockingly, for the first time I am in a relationship where the bad and the ugly and the darkest of all the shadows are so easy to talk about. And they are met with a hug and a kiss and support. There is no anger, no disappointment, nothing but support and love. 

It's real easy to sit back and judge other people. To find someone with the same moral compass as you and to look at everyone else and think about how much better you have it. It's not that easy to sit across from the person you love and put all your skeletons out there. But it's really fucking great when that person doesn't judge you for it, doesn't think any less of you. 

From this point forward, I am living my life for me. I am making the choices I want to make. Whether this is a body covered in tattoos or selling everything I own and moving to Aruba to open a food truck on the beach. I will make decisions that make me happy and refuse to let others make me feel bad about that because it is not a decision they would make. And I promise to do my damnedest to be supportive and loving and non-judgemental to those I hold dear. 

Sober May might turn out to be the best thing I ever did. 

Next: Insomnia. Big Jed, you up for the challenge??

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I'm alive! Sort of.

The saying is...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Lately that has been the case. I am fine, it's not like anything in my life is bad. Man-pants and I are great and decided to move in together when both our leases end this fall. Life is good. 

Work...well, it's been rough. The restaurant bought the building we are located in and money has been TIGHT. Stress levels are high. Menu changes are of course rolling out, which adds stress. Just stress, stress, stress. Doesn't make for a very good blog post. And, honestly, my life hasn't been much but work, work, work lately. I am taking a week of vacation in June and touring the Midwest to see all the family I didn't see over the holidays because I was working. 

The neighborhood family decided to be sober for the month of May. We all have just been partying too hard since spring hit. Bar patios and nice weather and cook outs and just constantly being outside with a drink in hand. My liver is silently weeping and I need to give him a break. I need him for the many years of bourbon ahead. (Not sure why my liver is male either. I suppose I picture him in an arm chair with a glass of booze smoking a cigar. My liver really shouldn't smoke.)

A family friend is dying. I say that bluntly because how else do you say it? He's 28 and a drug addict. His heart is failing and he needs a transplant but they won't put him on the list because of his drug use. It's sad, but honestly, expected. He was born with a heart defect and shouldn't even drink caffeine. I have seen the road ending here for years. I consider his parents my family and the true devastation is watching them lose their only child. 

Another part of sober May is watching a friend get consumed by alcoholism. He lost his job and got evicted from his apartment. His family has turned their backs on him and so have all his friends. It is sad and awful and I hope hitting rock bottom will be a wake up call. I highly doubt it. 

So, yeah. That is pretty much consuming me and I have zero on my mind other than all of that. I love this place and love all of you that still read. I promise, when everything isn't so bleak, I will be updating with my normal shenanigans. I will definitely be updating during sober May. Because I am going to be bored as shit! 

How are all of you?

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Self preservation

The boy unfriended me on facebook. And I am upset about it. Not because my feelings are hurt but because I know he did it because I hurt him. 

When I ended things, I thought I was saying what both of us were feeling. I thought there would be shock, then relief. I thought he felt guilty and stuck around because I didn't make enough money to make it on my own. I stayed longer than I should have for the same reason. 

I was wrong. I hurt him. The day I moved out he posted on facebook that it was the hardest day of his life. 

I meant it when I said I wanted to remain friends. I had to block his posts because it upset me to see him upset. I needed space from him so that we could be friends. 

He said that when he was ready, he wanted to talk. To know what happened. I agreed, knowing I would never have that conversation and open wounds he had worked to heal. 

I got a call the other day about NCH from the vet. I called to relay the message and was sent straight to voicemail. It stung a little. That's not how friends treat each other. 

I was doing a facebook cleaning today and as I went through my friends list I realized he wasn't there. Nor were his friends from high school. And it hit me. I hurt him again. 

Giddy off of finally being out at work, man-pants and I decided to change our profile pictures and become facebook official. We were so excited that we could tell people, I didn't think what it would do to him. Maybe it was before that and I just didn't notice. I don't know. But it upset me that I could have hurt him again. And it upset me that I will probably never see him again. Or our mutual friends. It occurred to me that my getting out of an extremely unhappy, unhealthy situation for me was devastating for him. It occurred to me that he probably hates me. And the people he talks to on a regular basis probably hate me too. 

To all of them, I left suddenly and unexpectedly leaving him stunned and devastated. None of them see that I made a handful of extremely hard decisions so that I could hopefully find happiness. 

I suppose this is how break ups go. The people who knew me well were not surprised. The people who didn't were shocked. Comfortable is not happy. 

I had a boyfriend do something very similar to me and it has only been in the past few years that I could imagine having a drink with him. 

I hope one day the boy gets there. I really do. Because I miss his friendship. And it hurts me to know that we will never grab that drink. And that it is because of my actions and how much I hurt him. My intentions were never to do him any harm, they were simply to save myself.