Friday, April 29, 2011


I am trying to put this tactfully without screaming how I really feel. 

I hate weddings. I'm sorry to all of you that love them. I am so happy for the people getting married and starting a new life together. THAT part I like. 

I have never been a bride, so I suppose I don't really have a right to feel exactly the way that I feel. I understand wanting to share your joy with other people. I fully plan on having a graduation party when I am done with my externship. 

Here's the thing though...and here is where I am going to offend some of you and I am really sorry. I am not asking the people coming to my graduation party to spend a ridiculous amount of money on gifts and hotels and parties and showers and dresses. In fact, I am trying to figure out the best way to say "this is not about gifts, so please don't bring one" on the invitation without sounding like an ass hole. 

I don't want to do the electric slide. Or shove cake in each other's faces. I don't want a bridal party because, frankly, who I want to be there and who I am obligated to have there are two very different parties. For that matter, who I want at my wedding and who I am obligated to invite to my wedding are two very different lists.

Maybe this is what I hate so much, the obligation of it all. And I am not a huge fan of tradition. I want to get married, I do. And my wedding has been planned in my head for as long as I can remember. But, there will be no white dress and no tradition and no bridal party and no church. 

The whole point of this, the whole reason I started thinking about weddings and ranting about weddings is that  this stupid royal wedding is going on. And everyone is watching it and oohing and aahing over the dress and the ring and OMG THEY JUST KISSED and I just don't get it. I don't . This is exactly what I hate...this fantasy about being a princess and finding your prince. Except they really are a princess and a prince and the world is acting like somehow their wedding and their life is going to be perfect because, OMG, look at the dress.

Maybe there is an appeal to having one day that is perfect that I just don't get. Maybe my soul really is black. I just know that I hate weddings. Thankfully, they have open bars.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


The boy sent me a video of the tornado that hit the St. Louis airport. I knew that all of this happened, I know my family is OK. I did not think anything of it.

When I saw the video...I burst into tears. Years ago, a tornado hit really close to my grandparent's house in Indiana. I remember having the same feeling...this could have been them. My mother, stepfather, sister, and brother-in-law live no more than 10 miles from the airport. My grandmother, lives about 25 miles away. Bradshaw is there, though not particularly close to the airport. The city is full of old and new friends who I love.

I am not scared of storms, in fact I love them. I am not scared of tornado's. I am that idiot sitting outside on my porch with a beer watching the sky change. I miss the storms back home, the storms here are rare and underwhelming. But, moments like this make me wish I could be everywhere at once. I could be in the basement with my St. Louis family while they waited out the here with my Ohio family...I wish we could all be in one place.

I am so happy that everyone I love is OK and am so sorry for those who are not. Those videos were scary and I am not posting them because, frankly, I don't want to watch them again to embed them. (note: figured that out today. For a former IT person, I am kind of a moron.)

In conclusion, I love you, man. And when in doubt, hide in the airport bathroom.

Sassy Gay Friend

I can't stop watching these and laughing my fucking ass off. It is a tie between these two for my favorite.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Today's theme: Whiney

I can't get warm.

I go to work, and I am all sweating and hot and miserable. As soon as I leave work, I can't get warm. It's spring, for fuck's sake. This is my favorite time of the year and all I want to do is sit under blankets and try to get warm. I am not this person that is always cold. And I don't know what is different and it is making me crazy. I hate being cold, it is why I love spring so much. I break out the flip flops and I am finally warm after all those months of winter.

There really is no point to this other than to whine about being cold. Which is obnoxious, but it happened, so deal with it. 

Also, work is giving away 3600 veggie burgers for earth day and I pretty much want to jump off a bridge. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Dollar burger night. How could I say no?

A round of beer...tornado warnings...another round of beer.

Driving home, the stillness before the storm mesmerizing as the sky lights up. 

I can see the city's skyline every time the lighting strikes. I wish I knew the names of all the buildings.

The wind comes first, blowing me from lane to lane. There is not a car in sight.

The rain comes next, pelting my windshield. I can't see.

The flooding is last to arrive, hydroplaning all over the highway, grateful that I am alone.

My rear view mirror says otherwise as I realize I am guiding a train of cars through the storm. I think of the Pearl Jam song and chuckle.

The tornado sirens sound. 

Fuck, I should not be driving. Only a few more exits.

I have to pee. Stupid rain.

I get home, the sirens sound again. NCH takes this as a sign to destroy all rugs ever.

I blog and listen to the sounds of the storm and miss home. The sirens, somehow comforting. The thunder calms me.

I miss storms. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Never have I ever needed anything more than I need this.

You can buy it here. There is more stuff. I also like the I am fucking drunk mug. OMG. My life is complete. COMPLETE. Thanks Jorge!

Everybody else is doing it...

So I am jumping on the mother fucking bandwagon. 

According to the now famous are my next tweets.

I'm 29. Fuck. I have determined that fucker bleeding. YES!!!!!! We Eat? Please stop smelling and life is.

Homework done, Buckeye victory...what to catch up their minds based on Wednesday!!

The best part of that horrible man abusing those cows. I planned on my dad says lasts about a lobster?

I love it. As soon as soon as I love to pay everything. You can do private loans through sallie mae, etc.

Thanks! I do. I would love this hell. Holy balls. Also, I live there, so hot?

He was trying to eat it! Sitting at least twice a bitch. to exist anywhere but I love my dad says lasts.

My sister's wedding in the whole animation domination amazingness... Working out of taco trucks!

Just watched someone with that really crazy. I can't afford. At a season. I am! I own away...

I love charity walks. or cut steak too thin! Top chef rule no. 1...don't make up their order. WOOT OFF!

I think I planned on the guy behind Coach Cooper in time to be what a date night on my favorite!

Voted. GOOD LUCK! Full of my assistant? I do with that horrible screeching noise. hahaha.

Congratulations! I am! I live in a completely ice covered windshield back in May.

Seriously, people, orange does not OUTSIDE MY WINDOW please, please do private loans through sallie mae.

The best part of wine is either the house. 7 bottles of my days off and have saved!

The real NCH. Leggins are just informed me from being rotten. Ha ha ha ha I want to drink at work.

The dude sitting on all the ER. Short ribs in Powell right now. This is always be you. Finger hurts now.

You have ever had. New Moon. Just choked on a bar. Have class at one of Brinner and beer.

Once again, you serious? Red Bull? I made a fanboy, therefore I am so I am that fail. I pay everything.

Ha ha. Awesome. I'd like that! Far more. I live with taco trucks! Now that Shit my days off work.

I made a tortoise and hateful? Or is that is great for the airport! Not the house.

7 bottles of my favorite! But I hate my 52 year old aunt likes Lady Gaga.

Holy fuck balls. It's weird how I love that horrible screeching noise. hahaha.

Wouldn't miss it! And I'm 29. Fuck. I wish I am officially caught up their parts hate birthdays.

My father just informed me at wine and then said vodka." Hm. Wonder what he can.

Good luck!! Rotten kitten. Adorable. But rotten. your namesake. The boy surprised me from being rotten.

I also going to catch up on the airport chilis. Yay for basset hounds because they are pretty much had.

Glad you're back. Muscle relaxers? Why, yes please. Lazy Sunday that really sure what I pay nothing and I?

I feel like it knows me....and is watching me right now. Fuck. I will never get enough of this.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I went ahead and just titled the post rant because I feel like you all should be warned. And the rant is about food. And television. Oh, boy.

I am not sure if any of you watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution or not, but that show equal parts makes me scream and makes me cry. He is doing an amazing thing in the face of a bunch of people who do nothing but give him the finger all day.

Yes, he says things like fizzy drinks and mispronounces words and dresses up in pea costumes and chases children. I will rarely ever insist that I am right and other people are wrong, but I am right. Jamie Oliver is right. People who disagree are wrong. And I am simply talking about a few things here; knowing where your food comes from, eating less, moving more, and cutting down on sugar. Specifically corn based sugars, but whatever. I am not going to start on that right now.

An apple is always going to be better for you than a can of mixed fruit in syrup. Meat should look like meat. And I love a good chicken ring as much as the next person, but chicken's don't come in ring shapes. Vegetables shouldn't EVER have ingredients other than the name of the vegetable.

People should know where their food comes from. I love going to farmer's markets and taking a tomato from the hand of the person who grew it. I met a woman who worked at a creamery the other day who is now selling her milk to the grocery store that I shop at. I talked that woman's ear off for 20 minutes about how much I love the concept of farm to table. She didn't even think I was crazy.

There are people out there who care about the food that they grow. There are people out there that care about how much money they make growing food. I would rather buy from the person who cares about the food that they grow any day.

I don't always follow my own philosophy because it is expensive, bottom line. AND. THAT. IS. FUCKED. It is cheaper for me to buy a package of food with a list of ingredients that I can't even pronounce than it is for me to cook a dinner of locally grown/raised food. It pisses me off every single day, but it is what it is.

All of these choices, all of this ranting is about me. About choices I make for me and the boy. If we had children? They would not know what fast food tasted like. I would make their baby food from fresh vegetables and fruit. I would sacrifice everything to make sure that they understood food, where it came from and how important it was to respect it. I would teach them about dieting, about being healthy. I was never taught any of this. I would break that cycle.

I would completely flip my shit if I found out my child was fed frosted doughnuts for breakfast or chicken nuggets and pizza for lunch at school. Jamie Oliver is trying to do a good thing and I just simply don't understand the resistance. If he came to Ohio, I would follow him around with a sign that said "He's right. Shut the fuck up and agree with him." Then I would punch people in various tender places if they disagreed. Mostly genital places.

Sorry for the rant. I just saw the new episode and got really angry and subsequently shared. Please don't hate me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Men in robot suits hate me.

I may have killed a man.

So...the whole rim debacle from hitting what I presumed to be a pot hole? The other front tire also has a bent rim, but the tire is fine. So, my only explanation is that I hit a man holding a knife, which slashed the passenger side tire and he was wearing a robot suit which dented both of my rims. It was a really strong robot suit.

I tried to draw you a picture of what the man looked like, in case any of you could help me identify the missing body, but let's just say I will never make it as a sketch artist.

Robot hands are really hard to draw. And that is unsuspecting me driving in the distance, headed straight towards the man in the robot suit. Also, the robot looks like a terrible, terrible version of Bender.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


I don't really know how to express what I am feeling right now.

I don't think that any one person has brought on this feeling. I am not sure that anyone has actually made me feel this way, maybe it is just me...but I feel like everyone in my life expects me to go back to a 9 to 5 schedule and proceed as normal. 

I feel so guilty. I feel like everyone is mad at me all the time because I can't make more time for them. I feel like nobody understands. People try to make plans with me for lunch...which is awesome. I love lunch. Except...I get up at noon. Because I get off at 1 or 2 and go to bed at 4. 

I feel terrible because I don't get up earlier, but I can't wind down before that. I can't go to bed 15 minutes after I get home when I am wired. I just closed a restaurant. Do you get home from work at 5:00 and go to bed by 6:00?

I feel like I never get anything done and I feel like I am a total failure. 

I don't know what to do with this now. I really, really don't. It has been a short amount of time and I hope that things get better. But, my schedule is not figuring itself out. I know that people work second shift and function. I just don't know how yet. And I want to stop feeling guilty. All I feel is guilty.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Motivational Letter

Dear Me,

Please stop being an unproductive ass hole. This includes the following:

Watching the entire season of The Big Bang Theory

Watching epic mealtime on You Tube

Eating your body weight in Twizzlers


Reading Harry Potter for the seven millionth time

You are allowed to:

Do your mother fucking taxes


Clean things

Walk the animals. Except the cat. That will end poorly.

That is all.