I did not go back and read this. I apologize in advance.

Krav Maga again today. I have spent the last hour playing a fun game I like to call "will that sore spot become a bruise." I feel like the answer is almost always yes. 

I love the Krav Maga shit. I really do. But, I am not very good at it. And I feel like the 10 sessions I purchased with my groupon are going to be only enough to make me dangerous. To myself. Not others. For example, when attacking my partner, Nyeski, I repeatedly almost fell over. I mean. I can't even strangle someone from behind well, how am I going to prevent this from happening to me. They have the EASY job, the attackers. It is much harder to fend them off than it is to attack. Unless of course you are anyone else in the class, then fuck that, I would never attack you. Because I would hurt myself trying to get a grip on your neck.

Maybe I should have started with not falling over 101. Or, more importantly, how not to be a sweaty gross mess 101. Because, you guys, I am a sweater. Like, there was sweat in my eye and the instructor said "already?" then made some joke about me sweating vinegar. SHUT IT. I AM SWEATY. This is why kitchens are perfect, it is normal to be sweaty. 

In my head, I am this gross fat sweaty person and I KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE. Nobody yell at me. My head is not very nice. But, I hate the sweat. My mother never sweats. Why did I have to inherit my dad's sweat like a mother fucker gene.

I just got totally derailed by sweat. And whiskey. What? Has any blog post ever said sweat this many times?

The moral of the story is...I love this shit. And a part of me really wants to continue it past the 10 day groupon thing, but alas, I can't afford to join the gym. And I just googled to see if there were anymore, and there really aren't. 

So, my plan is to have the boy randomly attack me and then beat the crap out of him. Wait. That is a terrible plan.

Do any of you remember the episode of Friends where Ross tries to teach Rachel and Phoebe Unagi? That is what I just pictured. Also I watch too much Friends.

I want a way to do this in my free time and there just isn't. And that sucks. I want a way to not have to go to a gym for the tune of SO MUCH MONEY and continue this training, because I would. And that doesn't exist.

And this post was all over the place, but I took two phone calls, several text messages that involved brain power, and am watching TV all while posting this. I really want Nick and Jess to get together. I can't NOT watch.

My name is Erratic and I am ADD. 

I will kick your ass. In 10 weeks.

I have wanted to take a self defense course for a while now. So, when my friend Nyeski (so weird that I have never mentioned her here) found a groupon for 10 weeks of self defense classes for like $35, we both jumped on it.

The introductory class was tonight. I expected to get an explanation of what to expect, maybe learn some simple things like punching and kicking. Oh boy was I wrong.

The groupon was slightly unclear. Slightly. Nyeski and I walked into a Krav Maga introductory course. Wherein we got our asses kicked. 

Krav Maga is the fighting technique used by the Israeli army. It is definitely self defense. The basic premise is to fight until you can get yourself out of the situation and safe. And they mean fight. There is no fucking around with pepper spray and tazers.

I spent at least 20 minutes mounted over Nyeski (and she me) while we flipped each other off. 

My knuckles look like, well, I got in a fight. I have found 4 bruises so far. BIG bruises. 

I learned how to fight away from under someone. From over someone. How to kick someone so hard that it breaks their pelvis. Or dislocates their hip. I learned how to punch. I had no idea how to punch. I grabbed a total stranger and kneed him repeatedly (into a cushy mat he was holding.)  

I hate violence. That's not what this is. One of the first things he told us was never to use these techniques to start a fight. To never be the cause of violence. Simply to hone what we would instinctively do, so when attacked or in an unsafe situation, we can get away and get safe. 

And you guys, IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME. I hate working out. I tolerate running. I tolerate other work out methods. This? This I would do every day. Well, no I wouldn't. Because tomorrow I am fairly certain I will never be able to move again. The groupon included 10 weeks of classes and if I continue to like it as much as I do, I will probably discuss with the boy a way to join permanently. I liked it that much. 

An added bonus was that it was probably the best workout I have had in a really, really long time.

He said to only do what we could and I managed to keep up the entire time, until right at the end, when I quite literally ran out of steam. During the kneeing the total stranger exercise. Who actually asked if I was OK. Which I was. Barely. 

I can't wait until next Thursday. I am kind of dreading tomorrow when all of the soreness comes out and I collapse in a giant puddle of ouch. But, it will be that delicious soreness that means you worked your ass off.