Friday, May 30, 2014

This post focuses on me being an asshole...and also my asshole

Prepare yourself for TMI. My period has decided lately that it will be SUPER heavy, make me constipated and then cause lower back pain. 

This is month three of this shit. (Pun intended)

I was whining to man-pants tonight and tried to stand up to go pee and exclaimed the following:

"It's like god cuts off your fucking leg. So you have no leg. And then he flicks you in the forehead. That is my lower back pain, god is flicking me in the fucking forehead." Which is what I said as I literally waddled to the bathroom like I was about to birth a bowling ball.

This post is NSFC.

Didn't laugh? Man-pants didn't get it either. The real lesson here is don't let nuns read my blog. And flicking someone in the forehead is a dick move. And know Internet short hand. Because if you don't know what NSFW means, I feel like you accidentally open a lot of vulgar shit in staff meetings. And then send me angry text messages about how I should warn you before I send that shit. 

My bad.  

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Judgement, love and support

I have been struggling, really struggling lately. I am the happiest I have been in recent memory. It seems as if in the past year everything has fallen into place. I had to make some hard choices and I hurt some people along the way. I regret that part of it immensely. I also realize from the outside looking in, it looks like I had a nervous breakdown. And putting the people around me through that stress has been eating away at me. I find myself in tears quite often thinking of the whispers around the holidays. Of the events that have recently come to light that crippled me for days because of how hurtful and deceitful they were. I find myself dwelling on that rather than moving forward. 

And I find myself not being able to move past the stigma of dating an employee. Granted, in 3 weeks he is taking over another restaurant in the company and it will all be moot. But I feel as though there has been a rain cloud following me around on the sunniest day of my life. And I can't seem to let it go. 

Until last Thursday. Big Jed has been studying EPT, or Emotional Polarity Technique. I will let you all google that on your own, but basically it is a holistic approach to emotion. To finding the root cause of a certain emotion and allowing yourself to let it go through understanding and polarity. (That is definitely dumbing it down, so maybe Big Jed can elaborate in the comments or post a link that isn't terrible.)

Anyway, she asked if I could be one of her practice patients to help get her certification. I, of course, agreed and decided that this was the issue I needed to short why everyone else affected my happiness so much. And after much digging and finding the shocking root of the problem, she completed the therapy and I felt, well, tired. 

Queue the next day, it was like the black cloud had been lifted. I no longer felt guilty that everyone was worried about me because I wasn't. And if they talked to me, they wouldn't worry either. I no longer cared about how man-pants and I met because this is the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Not a doubt in my mind and there hasn't been since day one. I no longer care if people doubt the decisions I am making because I know they are right for me, healthy for me. For the first time in my entire adult life I feel free. I love my friends and family, but it's not my place to judge their choices just as it is not theirs to judge mine. As long as they are happy and healthy, I don't give a shit. As long as I am happy and healthy, I give nobody the right to make me feel bad about my choices. 

I know that seems obvious and very easy to say...and I have said those words outloud 100 times. And meant them only now. I feel like for the first time in my life, I get to just be me. The good, the bad, me. Man-pants sees it all. And, shockingly, for the first time I am in a relationship where the bad and the ugly and the darkest of all the shadows are so easy to talk about. And they are met with a hug and a kiss and support. There is no anger, no disappointment, nothing but support and love. 

It's real easy to sit back and judge other people. To find someone with the same moral compass as you and to look at everyone else and think about how much better you have it. It's not that easy to sit across from the person you love and put all your skeletons out there. But it's really fucking great when that person doesn't judge you for it, doesn't think any less of you. 

From this point forward, I am living my life for me. I am making the choices I want to make. Whether this is a body covered in tattoos or selling everything I own and moving to Aruba to open a food truck on the beach. I will make decisions that make me happy and refuse to let others make me feel bad about that because it is not a decision they would make. And I promise to do my damnedest to be supportive and loving and non-judgemental to those I hold dear. 

Sober May might turn out to be the best thing I ever did. 

Next: Insomnia. Big Jed, you up for the challenge??