Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Something or someone you could live without.


I am not sure if it is some weird restaurant industry thing or if this phrase just happened to become popular around the time I entered the restaurant industry, but stop. Please. Stop. 

"Man, it is hot in here."
"That's what she said."

"I have a headache."
"That's what she said."

"I can't find a whisk."
"That's what she said."

That is not what she mother fucking fuck said. Nobody thinks it's funny. It has been funny, say, if you are discussing meatballs and say "I think your balls are too big" or something of that nature. Haha. That's funny because she said balls. Please entertain me with more of your devastatingly charming sense of humor.

It's not funny when you say it in response to every single phrase that I utter, therefore, making it not funny ever. Again. Ever.

In case you were wondering, also not funny...

  • TMI 
  • Making a "W" on your forehead and saying "Whatever"
  • Adding "izzle" to anything
  • Saying text language out loud (OMG, LOL, for example)
  • The world chillaxing. Just, no.
Let's just all talk like grown-ups and not like mentally retarded giraffes. Deal?

Seriously. (That one was for you, C)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Something I can't live without.

I am leaving the someone out of this post title because, frankly, I am sick of saying over and over again that I don't feel that way about people. 

Anywho...the thing I could not live without is books. Truly. I use books as a way to escape from reality, a way to kill time, an outlet for my imagination. I don't just read books, I fall into them. I have been known to stay up until 4:00 am reading because I couldn't put a book down. I have never tried to live without books, so I am sure I am capable of doing it. But, dammit, I don't want to. I love my pets, the people in my life, my job. I need books. I need that release into a world that isn't mine, contemplating other people's problems, crying at their losses and cheering at their success. 

A lot of people love movies this way and I just don't really care for movies all that much. I don't watch them over and over like I read books. Television doesn't really entertain me, I am almost always doing something else while it is on. I rarely sit in front of the television and watch it. With books, I imagine what the author is describing. It seems to easy to just see it in front of me.

My Kindle is well used and I will always love the smell of a library book. I will always choose physical books over electronic, although the convenience does lure me more often than not. 

I have read the Harry Potter series more times than I am willing to admit. I love books from High School English like Catch-22 and Invisible Man. I recently fell in love with Stieg Larsson's books, although was slightly upset when I found out the movies were subtitled. Watched the first one anyway. I just bought The Origin of the Species and am so excited to read it. 

The only book I have ever put down without finishing is Angels and Demons, because, seriously, it reads like the obituaries. I finish everything I start and very very rarely do not find some quality I like about a book.

I honestly think that my life wouldn't be the same without books and it is not something I am willing to live without.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Baby Giraffes are my hero.

It's like the boy doesn't know I am going to immediately scream "I WANT A BABY GIRAFFE" as soon as I see this picture.

You're welcome. Now you all want a baby giraffe.

Yes, that is my intro to the letter I am supposed to write to a hero who let me down. Here's the thing...people let you down. Everyone eventually lets you down. And that is OK. That is life. Nobody is infallible or perfect. I don't have a hero, per se. I have people I look up to for certain reasons, but it's not like any one person is ideal to me. There is not a person whose life I admire so much as to call them a hero. I mean, we could delve into the fantasy world here and I could name fictional people, but that's not really the point, right? The point is to say that X person in my life did Y and now I am disappointed because I expected X to be better than that. Meh. That's not fair. A hero to me is someone who does the right thing and still remains true to themselves. A hero is someone who sacrifices everything for something or someone else. A hero is someone who stands up and says yes when everyone else is saying no. I am not going to be let down when that person gets drunk and pukes on their shoes. Or dings a parked car with their door. Or calls off work when they really aren't sick. 

People have faults and people let you down. That's life. Being able to forgive the let downs is heroic. Being able to overcome the bad and still love the good is much more important than idolizing someone because they fit some stereotype of heroism. 

(Now scroll back up and look at the baby giraffe. See - I'm not heartless!) 

Friday, November 19, 2010

Can't. Believe. I. Am. Posting. This. Nonsense.

Hey, you guys...I had a weird day. So, this is not 30 posts of anything other than how Erratic had a crazy fucking day. Most of it was self induced stupidity because I have not slept since Tuesday. 

So...fairly normal day full of fairly normal things. Then I get to work. And it was like someone slipped me acid.

1. I cut my finger on a knife. That was laying on a table. By rubbing my finger against the blade while wrapping cheese. Seriously.

2. I stabbed a chicken. With a different knife. On accident. Just, kind of, stabbed it. People should not give me knives when I have not gotten adequate sleep. (Note: the chicken was dead)

3. I cut my finger open trussing a chicken. Blood. Rope. Yeah. (Note: it was a different chicken)

4. I ran into, that I remember, a wall, the rotisserie, multiple coworkers, and the Hobart. The last one was with my head. Just ran right into it. Been working there four months. It has always been there.

THEN! Have you seen "The Middle"? I don't really like it. But, the kid what whispers cracks me the fuck up and today at work somebody did it! I looked over and she was mumbling to herself that she hated when she couldn't say words. Queue scene.

Erratic: What word can't you say?
Weird Girl: Pork and Cheese
Erratic: Like a cheese flavored pork or a pork flavored cheese?
Weird Girl: No. Pork and Cheese.
Erratic: I just keep hearing Pork and Cheese. Spell it for me.
Weird Girl: Pouss...I don't know how to spell it.
Other Dude: Are you trying to say Portuguese?
Weird Girl: YES! (AND THEN THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED...She put her head down and whispered...pork and cheese.)
Erratic: I know a dude from Portugal that is hearing this story. There is just no way around that one.

Other Dude...Hours Later: Remember when weird girl couldn't say Portuguese. (Queue hilarious laughter)

I really hope that wasn't a "you had to be there" moment, because I just peed a little typing it.

So, then I left work and was driving home and LITERALLY FORGOT TO TURN. Like, just didn't turn. Almost drove off the road. Because I was too tired to remember to turn the car. Wasn't dozing off. Eyes were wide open. Just forgot to turn. Rumble strips seriously saved my life.

THEN. I get off at the exit that I almost drove off of and my entire road is closed. Four lane road, double lane. Closed. This means...prepare to judge me...I HAVE NO ACCESS TO FAST FOOD. Except McDonalds which I am over. I have no food. I just spent an 8 hour shift on my feet with absolutely no food and I was starving. STARVING. And could not get food. Like, the path to make it happen would have been ridiculous for 1:00 am. 

I would like to state for the record that I KNOW IT IS BAD FOR YOU TO EAT AT 1:00 AM. Please stop telling me this, universe. I get it. I shouldn't do it because Oprah and God said so. But, you know what, I am fucking hungry. And I am losing weight. SO SUCK IT UNIVERSE.

Anywho...I came home and made organic boxed macaroni and cheese. After spending hours in my CLASSICAL FRENCH COOKING SCHOOL. Escoffier literally jumped out of his coffin and punched a baby. As the noodles were boiling, I glanced at the refrigerator and saw this lovely note Tini left me when he stayed over the weekend:
I chuckled, grabbed the milk, put it back in the fridge, grabbed the heavy cream and literally said, as I was pouring it on the macaroni noodles "this one's for my homies." Then I swore to never be my friend because I was such a tool. Then I mentally high-fived Escoffier and vowed never to tell anyone about any of this. I fail at self vows.

Neil Catrick Harris approved. Note: I let him do this long enough to take a picture. I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. Then I sprayed him with a water bottle.
P.S.I sincerely hope that this post makes sense. I am not even going back and rereading it. I am that scared of what I just wrote.

P.P.S. At what age do the 1:00 AM terrorize everything in a 100 mile radius kitten crazies end? Because, for reals, he just tried to amputate my foot.

P.P.P.S. I am going to bed. Please still love me tomorrow.

Monday, November 15, 2010

A band that has gotten me through tough times

I know, two in one day. But, I have the day off. I have to use the time that I can. So, here is my letter to a band that has gotten me through some tough times.

Dear Pearl Jam,

You provided an outlet for my teenage anger and showed me that all of those feelings were normal. While my friends were listening to Dave Mathews Band and getting stoned, I was drinking Vodka and screaming "Porch." I have never been a glass half full kind of person and have always hated music that promoted holding hands and swaying. Just not my thing. You guys gave me music that spoke to me.

When I was 16, my best friend thought I was a lesbian because the lyrics to "Black" were written on my comically over-sized desk calendar. "Her legs spread out before me, as her body lay still" became a running joke. "Rearview Mirror" is still my breakup song of choice and can only be played at deafening volume. "Corduroy" will always and forever be my favorite song. I have a song for every single mood.

"Not For You" - pissed
"Wishlist" - pensive
"Off He Goes" - sad/lonely
"Indifference" - failure

You get the point.

As I have gotten older, the meaning of the songs have changed and my love has grown. Not only are you a great band, but you are good people. Unique people. People that do what they think is right and stand by the people they believe in. People I would love to sit and have a beer with.

I will always want to do Eddie Vedder, no matter how old he gets.


Something people never compliment me on.

My patience. Dear Lord, my patience. You can't compliment someone on something that they have absolutely zero of. Can't get a knot out of a necklace? I will probably try for, oh, a nanosecond and then just deem the necklace a lost cause and never wear it again. Can't get the dog to learn to shake? I will work with him for, oh, a nanosecond and then give up entirely declaring him too stupid to get it.

I want to be patient. I really, really do. I want to be that person that spends an hour getting the knot out of the necklace and then proudly wears it as a sign of their accomplishment. I want to be the person who spent hours teaching the dogs tricks. I will never be that person. Ever. 

I also want things RIGHT NOW. Say, for example, I am aware that there is a present for me in my immediate vicinity. I will follow the giver of the gift around saying "give it to me" until they either give it to me or render me unconscious. I don't want to wait until the appropriate time. I want it right the fuckity fuck now.

The part I really hate about my impatience is it keeps me from learning new things because I don't have the patience to get good at them. It's why I have never played sports. It is why I have few hobbies and why I rarely try new things. I wish I was different, but it takes patience to change. Kind of a catch-22.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Something people compliment me on

People compliment me on weird things. Like, my hair. I have naturally curly hair that I pretty much just let air dry most days. Since it is naturally curly, it is also kind of oily, so I have that shiny hair thing going on too. So, yeah, my hair. I have had men tell me I have great hair. Straight men. 

I personally hate it. I would much rather have straight hair, but I make do with my white girl afro.

I also get compliments on my skin a lot. I don't wear make up really at all. (I know, I am just the image of fashion with my air dried hair and make-up-less face.) I hate my skin because my face is always red. ALWAYS. I don't have high blood pressure or any other valid reason for always having a red face. My mom is the same way. Fucking genetics.

It's funny how the things that people envy are also the things we hate about ourselves. I would much rather someone say I have pretty eyes than nice hair, but, nope. Nice hair and skin is about it, kids.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Someone you need to let go.

All right...I am just skipping this one. I have answered it, for the most part, in the last two posts. 

However, I want to talk about something else. I need all of your advice. Everything that has happened with my sister in the past year started last Thanksgiving when she had two diabetic seizures in my house. That is why I was so paranoid when she was vomiting at her bachelorette party, which led to the horrible things she said to me, which led to her throwing me out of her wedding, which led to all of the hurt and heart break that has come over this past year. If you need background, go here. I went to the wedding and I smiled and I supported her and gave a bad ass maid of honor speech. I did everything I was supposed to. 

I have gotten no apologies and this isn't the first time this has happened. This is a lifetime of her treating people like shit and everyone just taking it because she is sick and has had a hard life. It is her calling only when she needs me and never being there when I need her. It is getting so excited to get a voicemail from her only for it to be a half-assed birthday wish followed by never returning my call. I have not spoken to her or had any contact with her since May.

I called my mother today to say hi and catch up. She mentioned that my sister was planning on coming to Ohio for Thanksgiving. I had no idea. I called my dad and asked, who confirmed that was the case. He then asked if she could stay with me. I discussed it with the boy, who adamantly said no after everything that has happened this year, and decided it would be better if she didn't. When I told my father this, he was pissed because it was going to cause drama (she always stayed with me in the past) and he already had enough family drama going on. He understood and said he would take care of it, but rushed me off the phone with barely a good bye.

So, am I being selfish? Am I the ass hole here? I feel like an ass hole. But, I know how this ends. It ends with me bending over backwards to make her comfortable while her dog shits in my house and she trashes my guest room and is ungrateful and mean the whole time. She will snap at everyone around her and make us all feel like shit. I will be in tears at least once. But, my dad has enough stress. So, do I sacrifice myself so that he has a better Thanksgiving weekend? Do I sacrifice the sanity of my home to help the sanity of his? 

My cousin and her husband are staying here with their dog. Is it fucked up to say she is welcome when my own sister isn't? Not in my home, not really in my life. At least not more than superficially. It isn't about love, I love my sister more than myself. But, I don't really like her. And she hurt me, profoundly. I don't hold grudges, this isn't about forgiveness. It is about self preservation. 

Is it selfish to choose me?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Someone I didn't want to let go or just drifted.

This one is easy for me. Probably the easiest of these I have posted. While I have a very different view of love than most people, it does not mean I love any less. And I love my sister, I really do. But, I also know her. I know who she is and I know that who she is will never care to have me in her life in any real way. Yes, she will hug me at Christmas and pretend like everything that happened with her wedding didn't hurt me. But, she won't call me back or return my emails. She won't come visit me just because she misses me and she won't be there for me when I need her to be.

I didn't want to admit this to myself, to come to terms with the fact that she will never be the sister I want her to be. I can't change her and I know this. Every single day I miss her and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. 

I still wish every single day that it was different. 

Monday, November 1, 2010

Someone who has made my life hell or treated me like shit.

I am in this ethics class at school right now and the professor is kind of brilliant. He talks about how our brains are trained wrong. For example, we have been trained to respect other people's opinions and that an opinion can't be right or wrong. So, he said it was his opinion that the best way to stay physically fit was to blindfold yourself and run across the highway at rush hour. That is just ridiculous and obviously wrong. That is the best way to get dead, which is the opposite of physically fit. Opinions can be wrong and while we shouldn't go around shouting that people are wrong, we should educate ourselves to know when someone is wrong, rather than just respectfully accepting what others say. 

He also said that the when we want someone out of our lives, an ex or a toxic friend, we say we never want to talk about them and never want to see them again. Except we keep talking about how we don't want to talk about them and we keep asking people if they are talking about or to them. Our focus becomes that person even though our goal is to eliminate them from our lives. It made a lot of sense to me because I do just this. 

So, while I thought about people that who made my life hell or people who treated me like shit, why talk about them? Why continue to let them affect me?

That may be a cop out and I'm sorry. But, I think it's a pretty awesome idea to just let those people fade away.