Mortgage Gate 2010

If you have not read this you are going to want to read it first to get the full effect of Mortgage Gate.

My day began with an allergy attack to end all allergy attacks. I sneezed so many times today that my entire body hurts and it feels like I got hit by a truck.

I called work and explained that there was no way it was sanitary for me to come in because I would sneeze on old people and that is NOT what they are paying for. They agreed, I came home.

I had a message on the answering machine from my mortgage company. I am in the process of refinancing under some of the stimulus stuff that Obama passed. One day I will go into the whole story of that, but for now just know they were calling about my refinance.

I call.

"Please say or enter your account number." Does anyone know their mortgage account number? I don't. Too lazy to look, I do nothing.

"Please say or enter your zip code." Done.

"Please say or enter your social security number." Done.

They list like 12 options, from press 1 if this is in regards to refinancing to press 10 if you are a masturbating monkey.

I pressed 1, although 10 was tempting.

Then they list like 12 different types of refinancing options. I press the one that sounds like maybe it could possibly apply to me?

I was wrong. I pressed the hardship refinance option because none of the other options made any sense. They gave me a 10 minute lecture on paying the mortgage. A recorded lecture. That I could not get out of. It finally ends and asks me if I would like to hear it again. No, thank you. I pay my mortgage on time. Back to the main menu. I push several buttons without listening, just hoping for a person. It tells me to say or enter my account number, so I just started screaming (yes, screaming at a recording) GO FUCK YOURSELF. Amazingly, they transferred me to an operator.

When man who spoke no English answered the phone, I very sweetly (not so much sweet) explained (more like lectured) that it is bad business (asinine) to have someone sit through that recording (long winded compu-cunt) when they were returning a call. He apologized in that fake, dear God don't start screaming way. I accepted and we moved on. This next part may or may not be paraphrased. It's more fun for you to just guess.

"Ma'am, that was a collections call, you are behind on your mortgage."

"No, I am not. I paid my mortgage. Over the phone. Because the refinance does not allow me to pay it online. I have a confirmation number."

"Oh, yes, I see that here. You still owe $167."

"No, I don't. That is stupid. That is not even an amount that makes sense."

"It is title fees."

"You are still not making sense."

"Please hold while I look into this."

"Ma'am, it appears that we pulled the title while researching the refinance and are charging you for it."

"Stop calling me ma'am. And you are still not making sense. Why am I paying for your research? I did not authorize that. I am not paying for it."

"No, of course not. I will see if I can waive that fee. I also show here that we need your last two pay stubs."

"They were faxed on Wednesday."

"Who did you fax them to?"

"YOU. I FAXED THEM TO YOU."

"Oh, I see that here now. Well, I am able to waive your fees."

"Can you please tell me exactly why someone called me? Was it to tell me that they charged me for something and then waived the fee? Or was there another reason?"

"It appears it was in regards to the fee I just waived."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

"I can't disagree."

"Go fuck yourself."

Less than a minute after hanging up the phone, the phone rings. It is Bank of America. Again. I assume they are calling to tell me that my refrigerator is running and to hurry up and go catch it, but I answer anyway.

They tried to sell me auto injury insurance. That I remarkably pre qualified for based on my last conversation. About fees that made no sense. I qualified for insurance.

Go fuck yourself.

Is it anti-America to hate Bank of America so much you want to stab an entire corporation?