Thursday, January 14, 2010

Why is murder ALWAYS the answer?

There is steam coming out of my ears right now and I have to talk about it. I called Tini, my culinary BFF, and fumed, but it did not seem to settle the urge to stab people. So, I am going to rant here.

As much as I come across as bitter and angry and sometimes violent, I'm actually a pretty nice person. Today at school, someone asked me to do a favor for them that involved talking to someone else on their behalf. Remember - I go to school with people that have an average age of 18. While I hesitated, I also saw a way to save this girl some heartache in a very nice, not obvious way.

This is the point where you all roll your eyes and say, "ERRATIC YOU FUCKING MORON HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING?"

I deserve it. I deserve every single one of you to come to my house and slap me in the face five times. I would prefer you not do that, though. Because, you know, ouch.

So, I had this conversation. It was a non event. The girl thinks I was looking out for her, which is true, I was. That was the main reason I did it, because this guy is kind of a moron and would probably have been mean. He is interested in someone else, so I simply pointed that out to her. No harm no foul. UNTIL HE STARTED TEXTING HER.

He claims it was because he didn't want it to be obvious that I was calling her for him. To which I replied something along the lines of, this isn't my first time at the rodeo. FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE SAID JUST THAT. Because it would make this situation even more lame than it already is.

So, she now thinks that he isn't really interested in this other person and wants her and HOLY FUCKING BALLS WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?

So, to summarize, I am in the middle of some kind of fucked up love triangle to which there is no escape without either:

  1. Murdering this girl, because it is the only way she will NOT stalk me until I die. After our little talk, she posted on her Facebook wall "hahah I love Erratic. She is amazing." This girl makes Fatal Attraction look like a fairy tale.
  2. Murdering this guy because, although a little scary stalkerish, she is a sweet girl with good intentions and he is an ass hat.
It looks like murder either way, which pretty much means it is time to break out the bone saw. Fuck.


whimsy said...

Girl, and you wonder why I wasn't completely convinced you weren't a serial killer. And to boot, the word that I have to type in to prove that I'm not a robot is "bleeding". Not cool, but kind of funny. All kinds of ironic.

Bradshaw said...

I think I laughed out loud at this like 4 times. So, um, sorry for laughing at your misfortune? Asshat, though. That insult never gets old!

Big Jed said...

Please remember the pond. Also, please remember that it's currently frozen, so wait to begin your killing spree until Spring when everything thaws out.