Monday, January 25, 2010

Please don't stab me in the throat.

I was on Facebook today and was watching a video posted by one of my friends. I have not seen her since the summer after I graduated high school, nor talked to her other than on Facebook and MySpace. (On a side note: do people still use MySpace? Does it even still exist?)

She has two 3 month old twins, a boy and a girl. She always wanted twins and they are pretty cute. Well, that is not entirely true. The girl is really cute and the boy really isn't. I know that is mean and I just don't care, he is one ugly baby. She was a pretty ugly baby, though, so I am holding out hope for him. Not much, but, you know, an inkling.

So, I am watching this video of her husband bouncing their son on his knee and listening to Muse and all of a sudden she starts talking in the background. The typical goo goo gaa gaa baby stuff that everyone is forced to do when in the presence of a baby. Except me, who just can't do it. Most kids look at me like a crazy person and tell their parents they don't like me because I just don't know how to talk to kids. Seriously. They are little adults, right? It's OK to ask them what they think of the new health care reform bill, right?

Anyway, she started talking and my ears started bleeding. I just kept thinking, how was I friends with this person? Did she always sound like this? I scoured Facebook looking for all of her videos hoping it was just her baby voice.

You know what I found out? HOLY SHIT SHE REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THAT. This was the first friend I ever made when I moved to St. Louis in 3rd grade. This was the person that I spent most of my childhood and teenage years with. And she sounds like a shrew who inhaled helium then got kicked in the balls.

And it makes me wonder, do I have an annoying voice? Is it high pitched and shrill and I just don't notice because I hear it all the time? Do people want to stab me in the throat when I talk?

And maybe I am being a little paranoid here, but is it weird that I never want to talk out loud again? I'll just write notes all the time. It'll be fine. Really. I write fast. I can make this work. Because every single time I hear my voice on the answering machine I cringe and think, that is someone else impersonating me. I don't sound like that.

I sound like a man. A shrill man. Or something. Can someone please remind me that 28 is not a good age to find a NEW insecurity?


Bradshaw said...

"Shrew who inhaled helium and got kicked in the balls."

Snorted at that one. Honestly. Don't worry. I think everyone hates their own voices. Except like professional singers and weirdos like that.

whimsy said...

As long as we're friends you will never have any reason to feel insecure about how you're voice sounds. The sound of my own voice makes me want to kick babies in the windpipe. Just think of how I feel when I hear my own singing voice. Every time I want to stab my eyes out with rusty shears, only after clipping my own Achilles tendon with them to disable my ability to run away from myself. Once I'm blind and effectively paralyzed I then shove the shears down my gullet and open them with enough force to tear my throat apart. Repeat. Wow, that was pretty graphic. I may or may not have watched SAW today. You be the judge.

whimsy said...

In the first sentence of the previous comment I meant "your" not "you're". That just didn't make sense (as if that's the biggest problem with the last post...).