Sunday, January 31, 2010


Tonight I went to girl's night at J's house. She hosts these every few months or so and they are always interesting because of one person, Kim. I am using her real name because you can't give crazy a pseudonym. It is illegal in, like, 12 states.

This is the second time I have met her, though heard many many stories. The last time I met her, it was football Saturday and I showed up wasted. I had been drinking since noon and had a DD, so why the fuck not, right? I yelled at her all night because she was telling another friend of ours that her kids allergies were in her head. Or their heads. Or something completely ridiculous and this other friend was stunned into silence. At least this is how the story was told to me tonight, I do not remember yelling at her. Whatever.

This woman has a doctorate in something, but it is not legal to practice this type of medicine in the state of Ohio. Her Facebook page says that she has a doctorate in natural medicine. She is a naturopath? Whatever, she has a doctorate in crazy. She told us how she was prescribing her patients mushrooms. If I went to someone who claimed to have a medical degree with a health problem, and they told me to eat some mother fucking mushrooms, I would do everything in my power to make sure that no human being was ever allowed to speak to them again.

So, tonight she starts talking about birth control. She refuses to take birth control because she does not want to ingest hormones. OK, I get that. I mean, I take birth control, but I respect the choice to not take it. THEN THIS HAPPENED. She proceeds to say that sexually transmitted diseases are not as contagious as everyone thinks and that we are living in a society where our choices are controlled by fear. That you don't have to use condoms because every one's immune system is different and that if she hasn't gotten anything yet, she is immune to all sexually transmitted diseases. I seriously, at least 5 times, yelled "DUDE, YOU ARE GOING TO GET THE HERPS" at her. She does not like condoms, wants to have sex with whomever she wants, but doesn't want to get pregnant. And wanted our advice. On how to accomplish this.

Then she kept apologizing because she was a whore. Then something happened where she tried to convince me that HIV/AIDS was not an epidemic plaguing the world and that if we all just had stronger immune systems, nobody would ever get sexually transmitted diseases.

At this point, logic wasn't working. So, I just started answering every question she asked with "use condoms." Even after the conversation was over. Then I told her that she was never allowed to touch me because I didn't want crabs. THEN she said that she has never been tested. I believe at that point I fell off the couch, twitched on the floor for a few minutes, while screaming YOU HAVE THE AIDS.

As I am typing this, I still shaking my head in amazement. Mostly because if even one person out there is dumb enough to listen to this woman, she could kill them. Or give them turnips for cancer.

I literally left girls night to come home and share this with all of you. The proper reaction is to be stunned into silence, followed by repeating "why?" to yourself, and finally anger that a college gave this woman a medical license in some states. Just not the one she lives in...which I would try to understand, but it would kill me.


Bradshaw said...

So for the record, I came home, tipsy, and figured, what the hell, I'll comment on someone else's blog. And what happens? I read this story, about the most RIDICULOUS mindset I've EVER heard in my ENTIRE life, and I almost want to throw up. Which is not alcohol induced. It's nausea at the fact that someone could be And here I am, feeling like I should rant to someone, and yet all I get to do is comment on your blog with WAY too many all caps words and hope that this woman never, ever, ever reproduces. For the sake of the gene pool.

In a nutshell....what a motherfucking moron.

Bradshaw said...

Also, the second time I read through this I thought "mother-fucking mushrooms for the mother-fucking herps" a la Samuel L. Jackson. Just so you know.

whimsy said...

When life gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS. That is all.