Monday, January 11, 2010

Woman seeking temperate climate.

I think most people have the tendency to underestimate themselves, to doubt their ability to try new things. I am definitely one of those people.

I was terrified going into culinary school that I would fail, terrified that I would realize I totally sucked. I would never be able to use the industrial burners, stoves, salamanders. I would never be able to keep up with my fellow students who had so much more experience than I did in kitchens. Yeah, I have a good palate, but that isn't all there is to becoming a chef.

Then I got there and everything was fine and I am halfway decent at this. Dare I say good? Yet, I still doubt myself at every turn.

Serving was a lot like that for me too. I was terrified to take an order, afraid I would fuck it up. Terrified to carry a tray, afraid I would drop it.

And it's fine. Do I think that I am awesome? No, no I do not. I get yelled at by old people all the time for stupid shit, like not cleaning up their dirty plates from the right. But, I am not horrible, so I am OK with it.

Most of the time I am at work, honestly, I stare at the chefs, a little pile of drool forming at the corner of my mouth because all I want is to be on their side of the line. To be grilling steak and making soup and plating food. When I have down time, I watch them, watch the routine that they each have. Waiting for the day that I have the chance to actually cook.

I am quite certain that all of the chefs think I am a food perv or something. Or maybe they get it, I don't know. But, this whole experience has made me a lot braver and a lot more confident in my ability to just DO something. I need to stop doubting myself so much. It's a hard habit to kick, man, but I am doing my best.

On a totally unrelated topic, can someone please tell the world that IT IS JANUARY and it has snowed for, like, two weeks. This is February weather. I am scared for February. And it is so cold I can't feel my toes. Somebody hold me...

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