Friday, November 19, 2010

Can't. Believe. I. Am. Posting. This. Nonsense.

Hey, you guys...I had a weird day. So, this is not 30 posts of anything other than how Erratic had a crazy fucking day. Most of it was self induced stupidity because I have not slept since Tuesday. 

So...fairly normal day full of fairly normal things. Then I get to work. And it was like someone slipped me acid.

1. I cut my finger on a knife. That was laying on a table. By rubbing my finger against the blade while wrapping cheese. Seriously.

2. I stabbed a chicken. With a different knife. On accident. Just, kind of, stabbed it. People should not give me knives when I have not gotten adequate sleep. (Note: the chicken was dead)

3. I cut my finger open trussing a chicken. Blood. Rope. Yeah. (Note: it was a different chicken)

4. I ran into, that I remember, a wall, the rotisserie, multiple coworkers, and the Hobart. The last one was with my head. Just ran right into it. Been working there four months. It has always been there.

THEN! Have you seen "The Middle"? I don't really like it. But, the kid what whispers cracks me the fuck up and today at work somebody did it! I looked over and she was mumbling to herself that she hated when she couldn't say words. Queue scene.

Erratic: What word can't you say?
Weird Girl: Pork and Cheese
Erratic: Like a cheese flavored pork or a pork flavored cheese?
Weird Girl: No. Pork and Cheese.
Erratic: I just keep hearing Pork and Cheese. Spell it for me.
Weird Girl: Pouss...I don't know how to spell it.
Other Dude: Are you trying to say Portuguese?
Weird Girl: YES! (AND THEN THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED...She put her head down and whispered...pork and cheese.)
Erratic: I know a dude from Portugal that is hearing this story. There is just no way around that one.

Other Dude...Hours Later: Remember when weird girl couldn't say Portuguese. (Queue hilarious laughter)

I really hope that wasn't a "you had to be there" moment, because I just peed a little typing it.

So, then I left work and was driving home and LITERALLY FORGOT TO TURN. Like, just didn't turn. Almost drove off the road. Because I was too tired to remember to turn the car. Wasn't dozing off. Eyes were wide open. Just forgot to turn. Rumble strips seriously saved my life.

THEN. I get off at the exit that I almost drove off of and my entire road is closed. Four lane road, double lane. Closed. This means...prepare to judge me...I HAVE NO ACCESS TO FAST FOOD. Except McDonalds which I am over. I have no food. I just spent an 8 hour shift on my feet with absolutely no food and I was starving. STARVING. And could not get food. Like, the path to make it happen would have been ridiculous for 1:00 am. 

I would like to state for the record that I KNOW IT IS BAD FOR YOU TO EAT AT 1:00 AM. Please stop telling me this, universe. I get it. I shouldn't do it because Oprah and God said so. But, you know what, I am fucking hungry. And I am losing weight. SO SUCK IT UNIVERSE.

Anywho...I came home and made organic boxed macaroni and cheese. After spending hours in my CLASSICAL FRENCH COOKING SCHOOL. Escoffier literally jumped out of his coffin and punched a baby. As the noodles were boiling, I glanced at the refrigerator and saw this lovely note Tini left me when he stayed over the weekend:
I chuckled, grabbed the milk, put it back in the fridge, grabbed the heavy cream and literally said, as I was pouring it on the macaroni noodles "this one's for my homies." Then I swore to never be my friend because I was such a tool. Then I mentally high-fived Escoffier and vowed never to tell anyone about any of this. I fail at self vows.

Neil Catrick Harris approved. Note: I let him do this long enough to take a picture. I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. Then I sprayed him with a water bottle.
P.S.I sincerely hope that this post makes sense. I am not even going back and rereading it. I am that scared of what I just wrote.

P.P.S. At what age do the 1:00 AM terrorize everything in a 100 mile radius kitten crazies end? Because, for reals, he just tried to amputate my foot.

P.P.P.S. I am going to bed. Please still love me tomorrow.


whimsy said...

Schmerratic, you are awesome. This post is the reason that we're friends. Well, I'm sure that there are others, I just can't think of them right now.

Bradshaw said...

Oh my god, I love you for this. I just do. Awesome. And the Portuguese thing made me laugh OUT LOUD. Mostly because the first time my uncle got drunk, he was incapable of saying the word "thermometer." I sat there and corrected him six or so times, and he leaned against a bed, sighed, and said to himself (in a whisper), "thermenomener...thernemonemer...therm...thermen...fuck." Still makes me laugh to remember.

Big Jed said...

I am little behind the times at blog reading, but as a woman who is married to a Pork and Cheese man I would just like to say...... you're post made me snort.