Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sarah Palin, you are dead to me. Seriously. I think you are brain dead.

I would like to start this post by telling Criminal Minds to go fuck itself. Because, seriously, I watch that show because I want to see some smart mother fucker deducing shit from next to nothing, catching the bad guy at the last possible moment, then saying something all full of wisdom on the plane ride home. I DO NOT want to spend an hour crying. If I wanted to do that, I would watch Lifetime. Or Oprah. Bad Criminal Minds, bad. (Picture me swatting it with a newspaper here, because that is totally what I am doing in my head.)

In case you forgot since yesterday, this term is kicking my ass. KICKING. MY. ASS. That is all I am going to say on that because I am liable to start simultaneously whining and chugging beer and the last thing any of you need is another drunk, whiny blogger. I am not sure who the other drunk whiny bloggers are, but I have read some really really bad blogs out there and I just sincerely hope they are drunk because if they are sober and writing that shit, just wow. Today one of the blogs I read linked to another blog calling them mature and smart and shit. I was like, sweet! I love finding new blogs to love. It is kind of my hobby. So, I click on the link and HOLY CRAP it is the most inane bunch of drivel (I love that word. drivel. ha.) I have ever read. I have almost no faith left in humanity at this point, and that shit makes it hard to get out of bed.

Speaking of hating humanity, Sarah Palin is coming to town on Friday. If I have any Republican readers out there (which, seriously? Why do you like me?) go ahead and stop reading. Especially if you are one of the people that SCARES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME and thinks that she is going to change the face of politics. Did you see the Katie Couric interview? DID YOU SEE IT? Because, what is going to change the face of politics is intelligence. And reason. And intelligence. Even if that woman agreed with every political belief I had, I wouldn't vote for her. No fucking way.

OK, I have lost all sense of what this post was supposed to be about. Oh, right, I am going to try to assassinate Sarah Palin. OK, not really. I don't believe in guns and even if I was close enough to perform some sort of awesome "I will kill you with my pinky move," I know no such moves. However, one of my fellow classmates works at the Aladdin Shrine Center where she is giving her speech that she did not write, think of, or even understand. There are Secret Service everywhere and he is all kinds of freaked out because he asked me to give him a ride. Immediately upon asking me, I started telling everyone that would listen that I was paying him to assassinate her. Seriously, I yelled it in the hall at school. And a lot of people from school work there. My hope is that I pull up to drop him off and he is taken down by the Secret Service. Seriously, how funny would that be?

I just had the best idea ever. I have an Obama/Biden magnetic bumper sticker. So, what if I get like 100 of them and just COVER my car in them. Like, even the roof. And then pull up to her pro-life rally. I am also going to need some pro-choice paraphernalia. And maybe something funny about how stupid she is. And hunting from helicopters. I am totally serious. Local readers, let's rally.

He is never going to let me drive him to work. I may also be the worst friend ever.


Junket said...

Holy shit. I'm not the shitty blogger you're referring to am I?

P.S. Drivel is a fantastic word.

Bradshaw said...

Dude, that was just FANTASTIC.

And yes, drivel = amazing word.

Erratic said...

No, the person I am referring to is someone I should have removed from my reader like 100 years ago and keep forgetting and then she posts and I read it and I am like OMG WHY DO I STILL READ YOUR BLOG?