My "Cool" Friends

So, here is the thing with Facebook...I have, like, 10 friends that get me. The rest of them, the other 100 or so friends, are asshats. Now, let me tell you how Facebook works. At least for me.

I join.

I friend the people I care about.

800 people from high school send me friend requests. I accept, thinking, wow, I wonder what they are up to now? I quickly realize I don't care.

A cult in Tacoma, Washington tries to suck me in. I realize I am very unsure on how to spell Tacoma.

I stop accepting new friends, unless I actually like them. I decide to keep the friends I already have. I would also keep a dog that repeatedly gnawed off my leg. I am loyal like that. Plus, I want a peg leg. More on that later.

So, I don't take Facebook very seriously. At all. I just completed a quiz entitled "how you will die" with the result "crushed by a sumo wrestler." One of my "cool" friends is jealous because he is simply going to spontaneously combust. I don't blame him. How often do you hear of someone getting crushed by a sumo wrestler?

Sometimes my status messages are mundane like, "hiding another body" or "can't sleep. domestic violence again." But, sometimes, I break out the wit, and say something like "trying to blow up my pager with my mind." The results:

Cool Friend: You have a pager? How 1998 of you...kudos.

Cool Friend: I know I have that number around here somewhere....

Not Cool Friend: Have fun with that. Let me know how it goes...

It is funny, people! Funny! You know why it is funny? Because it can't happen. But, the image of someone sitting there, concentrating and trying (ala Big Bang Theory) is hilarious. HILARIOUS. OK, maybe I just find it funny. But, stop raining on my parade people. I don't believe there is a Ninja hiding in my bathroom, waiting to decapitate me on sight. I don't believe that zombies are being resurrected in my basement because my house was built on an Indian Burial Ground. (I wasn't sure how to capitalize that, so I just went all out.)

It is silly. It is stupid. It is Facebook. I feel sorry for these people who sit around their house all day thinking, "Oh, she must think that actually works. I must tell her immediately you can't really blow up things with your mind."

Then there is that friend who makes it all about them. Like, if I post my status as "getting that leg amputated today." They respond, with longest comment ever, explaining the entire medical procedure and how they know someone who went through it, and, oh, by the way, you are totally going to miss that leg. I try to reel them back in with a response like; "I won't miss it at all. SO STOKED FOR THE PEG LEG." And they go into a 4 paragraph tirade about splinters. And this one time they got a splinter and it hurt. And you should really not get a peg leg.

When I want advice I ask for it. When I want people to shit on my day, I go to work. Or call my Aunt. So, all you people out there who use Facebook for any reason other than to mess around and keep in touch with friends, can fuck off. Seriously. I don't care if I only have 10 Facebook friends. Because, you know what, when a Ninja really does attack, they will be the ones I call in to clean up the mess.