Zip Your Flap

The boy and I are going on a weekend getaway this weekend to a secluded cabin in the middle of a state park. OK, that was way hard to explain when I could have just said the name of the park. Stupid anonymity. Anyway, we are going to a cabin and taking the dogs and spending the weekend hiking and relaxing. I need this. I need a weekend away to decompress and regroup. To drink in the middle of the day for no reason other than I can. Oh, vacation.

So, everyone who I tell about this trip, keeps asking, why aren't you going camping? My response to this is generally a blank stare and then laughter. Maybe some pointing. Definitely more laughter. See, camping to me is the equivalent, of well, unnecessary torture. Like, repeatedly stabbing yourself with a pen. In the eye. Or reading anything written by Danielle Steele.

I have been camping once. I was young - maybe 7 - and it was with my brownies troop. It was a father daughter camping trip. My dad describes the trip as where souls go to die. I squealed at every fly, spider, bee, snake, leaf, blade of grass, and worst of all, the death traps they called tents. I have since matured and left all that ridiculousness behind. I never squeal at the sight of grass. However, the bug phobia has never left. Nor has the fear of being eaten alive by a bear in the middle of the night because I am being protected by a structure that contains a zipper and a flap. A FLAP. You camping people are nuts.

Plus, there is nature everywhere. I love nature, do not get me wrong. I like to hike, I like to sit outside for brief periods of time, I like to drink. Um, I mean, drink outside. But, I like to go inside and take a hot shower and wash all that fucking nature off too. Camping is just not my thing. I will drink all day at a tailgate, pee in a Porto Potty, but when it is time to pass out at the end of the day, I want a bed, four walls, and temperature control.

One of my favorite quotes, of all time, is from Monk; "You can't clean nature with nature!" Monk, it is so true.