Milk and Pencils

So, today, I got one of those inane forwards that list your astrological sign and a description of said sign. I am a Libra, but am on the cusp of Virgo. Here are the two descriptions:

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy.. Often shy. Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous.. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators.. Very gullible.

Both Mrs. Williams and Hannah Montana immediately insisted that I fit every criteria of a Libra, that it was me to a T. I disagreed, saying I thought I was a combination of the two. So, I decided to consult the boy. He thought the description of Virgo fit me, in his words, "ALL THE WAY!"

These two descriptions are vastly different. I mean, complete opposites. To me, one is sort of sweet and angelic (I believe I used the word cherub), and one is kind of a raving bitch. Which is why I believed I was a combination of the two, taking traits from each, creating sort of a bitchy cherub. Like cupid with death arrows. Or something.

This lead to some serious self evaluation. My immediate thought was, um, I have multiple personalities. But, I am not losing time, and I don't wake up in outfits I don't remember putting on. At least not often. So, then, I wondered, do I really treat these two facets of my life that differently?

The answer: Yes. Yes, I do. I knew that I did. I didn't need a forward to tell me that. But it started a conversation between me and MW about WHY I do these things.

I am struggling to write this because it is pretty personal. But, here goes. I have this fear of being wrong. Of making the wrong choices in my life. Things that can be fairly easily changed don't bother me. But, the major ones, the ones that I can't just walk away from if necessary, paralyze me. One example of this is my career. My career fell in my lap. I started in an entry level position at a company and worked my way up. I work hard, I enjoy what I do. But, it is not what I pictured myself doing with the rest of my life.

I have been to college about 4,000 times and taken about 10,000 classes. Every time I find something I think I can do for the rest of my life, the fear paralyzes me. I stop going to class, drop out, and repeat the whole process several months later. Let me tell you - financially - this is fucking stupid.

The same thing applies to relationships. With friends, not so much. I can walk away from a friend if I realize they are complete tools. And I do. I do not keep friends around that are toxic to my life. This has left me with the most amazing group of friends anyone could ever ask for.

But, when it comes to relationships with men and feelings and stuff, I pretty much suck. I am terrified of being wrong. Of marrying the wrong person, having kids with the wrong person, making a life with someone only to realize (or have them realize) that this isn't right and to have to completely take apart a life I spent years building.

I went through more than my fair share of divorces as a kid. 3 to be exact. That might not seem like a lot, I am sure there are people who went through more. But, it left it's mark. I don't want to ever live through another all out war over who gets the $30 coffee pot. It changes people, it makes them monsters. The fear of being there paralyzes me. It makes it hard to breathe.

So, I treat those relationships different, I treat the boy different. It is subconscious. I don't want to. It is not who I really am. I really am more like a combination of the two. I think everyone is different with their friends, their family, the people they work with, etc. I think it is in the nature of who we are. But, I don't think it is OK to do out of fear. I don't think it is OK to live your life being scared, instead of just living it. As MW said, just stop it.

So, I guess I am going to stop being scared. And I guess I am going to have to stop being some kind of mythical shrew/cherub/evil/good creature and just start being me. Whoever that may be.

And if you are wondering why the title of this post is Milk and Pencils - I really have no idea. Ask Mrs. Williams.