The Worst Weekend of My Life (thus far)

This all feels so unreal. The past 5 days have been some of the worst of my life. 

This past Thursday, man-pants showed up to work to find a sign that said "no checks, sorry!" 

Sunday, it was announced that his restaurant was sold and he no longer had a job. 

Monday, he got offered a job at another restaurant in the company for $1.50/hour paycut and a demotion. 

He was promised pay tomorrow and is now getting text messages stating that there is no money to pay them. 

He owes me $450 (which is irrelevant except to state how in the hole he is. I don't care about the money.)

I do not have enough money to pay the remainder of our bills. Between a recently sick cat and the move, we are tapped. 

There is potential that it will be another 3 weeks before he gets paid. 

The owner of his restaurant (different than the owner of mine) was in Nashville on vacation SPENDING THE MONEY THAT WAS NEEDED TO PAY THE STAFF.

I watched man-pants have a panic attack. I have watched his coworkers devastated. I have watched everyone involved with this restaurant have their entire lives turned upside down. 

His 5 month pregnant shift lead was borrowing $20 for gas because she was broke.

I am posting this here not because I need anyone to feel sorry for me, but because I can't vent on social media for fear of losing my job. Everyone in my life is surely sick of hearing me scream about how evil this woman is and how she is destroying lives with a smile on her face. 

AND SHE HAD THE FUCKING BALLS TO CRY OVER HOW MEAN EVERYONE WAS BEING TO HER ON FACEBOOK. 

She hasn't even had the backbone to talk to any of the staff in person, she is forcing the front of house manager to relay all the news. 

I am very fortunate that my family has enough money to help me get through this. VERY FORTUNATE. But, this is how people end up homeless. This is how lives are ruined. 

I have, for the first time, encountered someone who I believe to be truly evil. Someone who has this city fooled, thinking she is a good samaritan and selfless person. She is a local celebrity and loved by everyone (myself included until I started working for this company.)

I am watching man-pants go through all of this, knowing he hates that he has no money and I am supporting him. Knowing that he cared about that place and busted his ass for it makes me sick. 

This whole thing makes me absolutely furiously sick. 

As soon as man-pants finds another job and is on his feet again, my first order of business is doing the same. 

If you know me in person, stop giving this woman your money. I don't care how much you love the food. (You can still come see me at work because she isn't affiliated with my location.) 

And send happy thoughts our way. Mostly happy lottery thoughts. We really need it.

Moving on

I can't even begin to explain how out of control the dishonesty has escalated at work. I am debating between telling my owner, who will surely fire me or just finding a new job and giving one hell of an exit interview. So many people I trusted and considered friends have betrayed me. I feel like a scapegoat....like everything is going to be blamed on me. When I have done literally nothing. I have never encountered this level of deceit and dishonesty before. I have never met such terrible people in my life. 

I feel like I am just naive and trust people I shouldn't. I feel like I should watch my back constantly. I have never been easy to trust, but am I now doing it too easily? Am I just assuming people are honest when they are actually complete fucking dicks? 

My world feels a little upside down. 

I am hurt 

I am pissed

I am vengeful

I want to burn the restaurant to the ground and cartoon character style laugh maniacally over the ashes. 

Not really. 

I spent some time with a staff member tonight who told me soooo much. She is definitely been a good friend through all of this and put the final nail in the coffin on some things I suspected. 

I need out. 

It's not a safe environment for me anymore. 

I put these people, this company on a pedestal for so many years. Have frequented their restaurants for a decade. 

It's been a really long, hard, painful fall from the top. 

Bourbon on the rocks...with a lime please

Things aren't great right now. Not in a tangible way either. I can't say, well, this one thing is not going well. It's just a series of a lot of things that aren't going as expected. A lot of SURPRISE! this is not happening the way you expected kind of things. I find myself frustrated a lot. I find myself angry and upset a lot. This is not normal for me. It is not the way I want things to go.

I can't go into a whole lot of detail about the work stuff, but there is a possible law suit and a completely unrelated possibility that I could be fired for bringing it to the attention of management that one of their managers (not me, of course) is stealing.

Just mother fucking ugh.

Plus we are maybe moving, we don't know, because people are flaky. And man-pants is maybe getting a new job, we don't know because nobody ever knows with that shit.

And my dog will only poop for me.

And the cat won't stop meowing at all hours of the night.

AND THERE IS A SMELL AND NO AMOUNT OF FIND THAT SMELL IS WORKING.

I hate find that smell.

I said goodbye to a friend of 15 years two days ago. I have talked about him, but never gave him a name here. It doesn't matter who he is, he became toxic in my life and I refuse to allow someone like that to continue being in my life.

I want positivity and happiness and GOOD. And right now the universe is throwing me a bunch of negative and bad.

Sometimes it gets so overwhelming, I have to walk to my car and just take some deep breaths. And remind myself that I am happy and healthy and good. 

Sometimes life hands you lemons...and I say fuck that, I want limes and make a mother fucking cocktail. 

10 things I just don't understand

1. Getting a tattoo of your dog. Or your cat. Or your your albino ferret. I love animals as much as the next person (give me otter or give me death) but a tattoo? Really? No. 

2. People who order sandwiches with no bread. Get a salad. Or, really, anything. But a pile of turkey and cheese with a side of mayo is weird.

3. The als ice bucket challenge...good cause, I know. But so fucking annoying. 

4. My job. I would elaborate if I could. Ugh.

5. How rioting is a solution to violence. And how violence is a solution to anything. And sending tear gas into a crowd of elderly people and children. Mostly just violence as a solution.

6. My addiction to cheese fries

7. My cat's inability to shut the fuck up between 3 am and 7 am

8. Why when it rains it pours. Just one thing at a time, universe.

9. People who are gluten free that order pasta. Because you can't have a gluten allergy if you don't know what the fuck gluten is.

10. The Kim Kardashian game. That I can't stop playing. Send help. 

Struggling

I am struggling right now. With money, with life, just struggling. 

My credit is terrible. With the foreclosure of last year and some medical bills, I have a lot of "dings" on my credit. I decided to try to clean it all up. This means I am literally barely breaking even. I have had to cancel plans and hermit in our apartment just because I have zero money to spare. It's good, it's really good, that I am finally taking all of this seriously. I HATE DEBT. Several years ago, I decided to never have a credit card again. This makes emergency situations be a cash only kind of deal. Sometimes this is fine, sometimes not so much. Man-pants and I are going to Aruba in March, so I am trying to save for that. Passports are expensive, blah blah blah. I'm broke. I can pay all of my household expenses with half of one of my two paychecks a month. So, I shouldn't be broke, right? STUDENT LOANS. I have $42k in them. They literally want an entire paycheck a month in payment. 

Blah, Blah, Blah. Whine, Whine, Whine. The moral of the story is that man-pants and I have decided to move into an apartment a few doors down that is a 2 bedroom, much nicer and a little cheaper a month. We are spending the winter banking money so this vacation doesn't break us. September is the month where we officially combine bills and I can start actually having money again. It will be a breath of fresh air, where in everything goes into savings so I can have the vacation of my life in Aruba. 

I also have come to a realization that two chefs cannot survive together. There just isn't any money, health insurance, blah blah blah. If I ever want to make a life for myself, I can't continue in this line of work. I don't plan to leave soon. I don't plan to, actually, leave at all. I just want to be the on the other side of things. I am actively pursuing a job working for the food vendors that sell me food. To get back into some sort of a corporate chef. Whether I am doing test kitchens, sales, whatever. Both of us can't work for locally owned businesses and ever be more than living in 400 sq ft apartments and counting pennies. 

I love what I do. It's time to find a way to survive while still loving what I do. 

My Fucked Up Romance

Before man-pants and I started dating, he would leave pink post it notes all over my office that just said boner. 

I realize it sounds silly, but it always made me laugh. I would open a notebook or a file and there would just be this pink post it that said boner. 

Our front of house manager frequently drew penises on, well, everything. There are a lot of dick jokes in restaurants. 

Sometime during the first week that we dated, I came home from work to find the bed made and my apartment picked up and a boner note on the bed. I still have it. 

Boner eventually escalated to penis drawings which would be hidden all over whatever station I was working. 

Man-pants last day of work led to this...they were hidden all over everything. The next day, me and a coworker boob bombed his station in retaliation. 

This explanation leads up to one of the sweetest things ever. Our schedules frequently suck ass and we are working opposites. Today, for example, I left for work at 9 am, man-pants was sound asleep. I got off at 5. Man-pants gets off work at 10 pm, about the time that I go to bed because I work at 7 am. One night I was working late and came home to this.

This is the door at the top of the stairs that leads into my apartment. There were little notes like this taped everywhere. 

To the average outsider, we probably look like an insane couple that is kind of mean to each other. But I finally found someone who speaks kitchen. Who gets that a dick drawing is a thousand times sweeter to me than flowers. Who I can be totally blunt and honest with all the time and understands that it isn't mean or spiteful, just honest. 

We are currently living in 450 square feet with a cat and a dog and all of our stuff. 

If you had told me two years ago this was my life, I would have run away screaming. 

I have never been happier.

You're Fired! Just kidding. Maybe.

The first time I fired someone, I left the conference room, went straight to the bathroom and threw up. 

I was 23. Maybe 24. I felt like a total ass hole. It was the only person I have ever fired prior to my current job. I had a part in other people getting fired, definitely. But not the act itself.

I have lost count of the number of people I have fired since I started my current job. I currently have 22 people working in my kitchen alone, this doesn't count the servers and bartenders employed by the restaurant. 

And this may sound ridiculously cold, but it is easy. Compared to the first time, I don't have a single qualm about any person I have fired. Every single person was adequately warned or broke company policy. They all expected it. 

One guy was caught smoking weed on the clock.

One guy was late so many times that I suspended him. Then he called at 6 pm for a shift that started at 10 am.

One guy called off 3 times in his first month.

And so on. Obvious reasons to let every single one of them go. 

Enter this week. I have a meeting tomorrow that will determine the fate of two of my staff members. One of them has been an employee for 7 years. He has a shit attitude and the owner is done. He also has crippling depression and a drinking problem that affects his mood. And the front of house manager HATES him. I don't think I am going to win the fight for him. But I am going to have to fire him.

The second employee is someone who helps to the point of their own detriment.  She tries so hard but is genuinely just really really bad at her job. I like her. But I am fairly certain I have to fire her. 

Neither of these people will see it coming. Neither of these people will have any kind of back up plan or any other jobs lined up. It will totally shock them both. 

I suddenly find myself extremely uncomfortable at the thought of firing either one of them. I will be backed into a corner and my hand will be forced in both cases. 

This job is hard. It's hard to juggle 20 something people's lives. It's hard when I have to cut hours and hurt someone's well being. It's hard when I have to fire people I don't want to fire. It's hard being in charge. I have been a manager before, but never in a circumstance where I am reporting directly to an owner who basically says "call me only if necessary." It's my kitchen, my staff. It's me fielding the calls when someone is unhappy and me fielding the call offs. It is me covering the shifts. It is me me me me me. 

Sometimes that is nice. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Tonight is the latter. 

I spent an hour on the phone with one of my shift leads tonight discussing basically all of this. 

It's hard to be liked and to manage. 

It's hard to be effective and to still do what I love.

It's hard to be good at my job and care about the people who work for me. 

Today is hard. Tomorrow will be significantly harder. 

This is not my dream job, because my dream job is to own my own restaurant. But this is as close as I have come. And right now, in this moment, in the next 24 hours, I really fucking hate my job.

My front of house manager said that he has become so desensitized to firing people it doesn't even phase him. He has fired pregnant women, single dads, so on and so forth with no remorse. 

If I ever get there, I am lost. 

If I ever get there, I am not me anymore.

Catching Up

Where to start? An explanation perhaps? A brief one.

I didn't feel comfortable writing here. I am still not 100% sure that I do. I lost a lot of friends when my relationship with the boy ended, people I did not anticipate losing. People that read this blog. And while I would love to say, fuck them, I don't care what people think...that's not true. And I didn't want my stories, my life just put out there for everyone to read and then gossip about behind my back. But, I guess, in the end, what difference does it make?

I considered starting a new blog, but I didn't really want to do that either. I want to change the face, the feel of this blog for sure. Because I am no longer the person who started this. But a new blog? That feels wrong to me.

I considered just not writing at all anymore. But I miss it. A lot. I miss the connections I have made here. And maybe most of them are gone, which I would totally understand. Hopefully they come back. And maybe, just maybe, I will make some new connections.

If you only know me from the blogging world, I am still out there reading. I still think about all of you and love you all dearly. I have literally just had a phone at my disposal for almost a year.

And it's funny, my neighbor offered to take a look at my laptop and fixed it in 10 minutes. No clue what she did, but I am ever so grateful.

So, let me summarize the past year of my life.

I changed everything. And I mean, everything. All changes that I have felt inside of me for a long time. I am not going to dwell on the past and lament about the series of mistakes that ended with me in a life I never wanted. A life I tried to make the best of and couldn't. All that matters is now. No matter how crazy everyone thinks I went, which I know they do. Those that have spoken to me since this all happened know that I am the happiest I have ever been. And THAT is what matters.

That wasn't all that brief. We all know how long winded I can be.

I just got back from a week in St. Louis that I needed SO BADLY. It has been over three years since I had more than 2 consecutive days off in a row. I can't remember, since starting this job, a week that I haven't worked on my day off. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. Do not get me wrong, everyone there yells at me to go home. But I needed this week. 

It started off as a tour of the midwest, hitting up Chicago, Indianapolis and St. Louis to see family and friends. Then man-pants couldn't get any time off. Then right as we were getting ready to leave to come home, he got the time off very unexpectedly. So we missed seeing a lot of people we wanted to see because of how unorganized the plans were. We had a great time, it just wasn't what either of us expected it to be.

We are staying in my shitty apartment until Spring to bank money because we are going to Aruba in March!! So, 450 square feet with two people, a dog and a cat. 

Oh yeah, we got a cat. My friend is moving to LA and couldn't take him. He is HANDS DOWN the sweetest cat I have ever met. But, fucking shit, he never shuts up. Like ever. Meow, meow, meow, I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU. That is 3 am every single day here. I love him very much and would never actually murder him. But have about exhausted "SHUT THE FUCK UP CAT" solutions. Any suggestions?

So, that is about it for me. Gratuitous cuteness below. 

I'm back!

My laptop has returned to working order. Expect more posts soon! Would post tonight, but downloading a years worth of updates. Can't wait to be back!!! 

This post focuses on me being an asshole...and also my asshole

Prepare yourself for TMI. My period has decided lately that it will be SUPER heavy, make me constipated and then cause lower back pain. 

This is month three of this shit. (Pun intended)

I was whining to man-pants tonight and tried to stand up to go pee and exclaimed the following:

"It's like god cuts off your fucking leg. So you have no leg. And then he flicks you in the forehead. That is my lower back pain, god is flicking me in the fucking forehead." Which is what I said as I literally waddled to the bathroom like I was about to birth a bowling ball.

This post is NSFC.

Didn't laugh? Man-pants didn't get it either. The real lesson here is don't let nuns read my blog. And flicking someone in the forehead is a dick move. And know Internet short hand. Because if you don't know what NSFW means, I feel like you accidentally open a lot of vulgar shit in staff meetings. And then send me angry text messages about how I should warn you before I send that shit. 

My bad.  

Judgement, love and support

I have been struggling, really struggling lately. I am the happiest I have been in recent memory. It seems as if in the past year everything has fallen into place. I had to make some hard choices and I hurt some people along the way. I regret that part of it immensely. I also realize from the outside looking in, it looks like I had a nervous breakdown. And putting the people around me through that stress has been eating away at me. I find myself in tears quite often thinking of the whispers around the holidays. Of the events that have recently come to light that crippled me for days because of how hurtful and deceitful they were. I find myself dwelling on that rather than moving forward. 

And I find myself not being able to move past the stigma of dating an employee. Granted, in 3 weeks he is taking over another restaurant in the company and it will all be moot. But I feel as though there has been a rain cloud following me around on the sunniest day of my life. And I can't seem to let it go. 

Until last Thursday. Big Jed has been studying EPT, or Emotional Polarity Technique. I will let you all google that on your own, but basically it is a holistic approach to emotion. To finding the root cause of a certain emotion and allowing yourself to let it go through understanding and polarity. (That is definitely dumbing it down, so maybe Big Jed can elaborate in the comments or post a link that isn't terrible.)

Anyway, she asked if I could be one of her practice patients to help get her certification. I, of course, agreed and decided that this was the issue I needed to discuss...in short why everyone else affected my happiness so much. And after much digging and finding the shocking root of the problem, she completed the therapy and I felt, well, tired. 

Queue the next day, it was like the black cloud had been lifted. I no longer felt guilty that everyone was worried about me because I wasn't. And if they talked to me, they wouldn't worry either. I no longer cared about how man-pants and I met because this is the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Not a doubt in my mind and there hasn't been since day one. I no longer care if people doubt the decisions I am making because I know they are right for me, healthy for me. For the first time in my entire adult life I feel free. I love my friends and family, but it's not my place to judge their choices just as it is not theirs to judge mine. As long as they are happy and healthy, I don't give a shit. As long as I am happy and healthy, I give nobody the right to make me feel bad about my choices. 

I know that seems obvious and very easy to say...and I have said those words outloud 100 times. And meant them only now. I feel like for the first time in my life, I get to just be me. The good, the bad, me. Man-pants sees it all. And, shockingly, for the first time I am in a relationship where the bad and the ugly and the darkest of all the shadows are so easy to talk about. And they are met with a hug and a kiss and support. There is no anger, no disappointment, nothing but support and love. 

It's real easy to sit back and judge other people. To find someone with the same moral compass as you and to look at everyone else and think about how much better you have it. It's not that easy to sit across from the person you love and put all your skeletons out there. But it's really fucking great when that person doesn't judge you for it, doesn't think any less of you. 

From this point forward, I am living my life for me. I am making the choices I want to make. Whether this is a body covered in tattoos or selling everything I own and moving to Aruba to open a food truck on the beach. I will make decisions that make me happy and refuse to let others make me feel bad about that because it is not a decision they would make. And I promise to do my damnedest to be supportive and loving and non-judgemental to those I hold dear. 

Sober May might turn out to be the best thing I ever did. 

Next: Insomnia. Big Jed, you up for the challenge??

I'm alive! Sort of.

The saying is...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Lately that has been the case. I am fine, it's not like anything in my life is bad. Man-pants and I are great and decided to move in together when both our leases end this fall. Life is good. 

Work...well, it's been rough. The restaurant bought the building we are located in and money has been TIGHT. Stress levels are high. Menu changes are of course rolling out, which adds stress. Just stress, stress, stress. Doesn't make for a very good blog post. And, honestly, my life hasn't been much but work, work, work lately. I am taking a week of vacation in June and touring the Midwest to see all the family I didn't see over the holidays because I was working. 

The neighborhood family decided to be sober for the month of May. We all have just been partying too hard since spring hit. Bar patios and nice weather and cook outs and just constantly being outside with a drink in hand. My liver is silently weeping and I need to give him a break. I need him for the many years of bourbon ahead. (Not sure why my liver is male either. I suppose I picture him in an arm chair with a glass of booze smoking a cigar. My liver really shouldn't smoke.)

A family friend is dying. I say that bluntly because how else do you say it? He's 28 and a drug addict. His heart is failing and he needs a transplant but they won't put him on the list because of his drug use. It's sad, but honestly, expected. He was born with a heart defect and shouldn't even drink caffeine. I have seen the road ending here for years. I consider his parents my family and the true devastation is watching them lose their only child. 

Another part of sober May is watching a friend get consumed by alcoholism. He lost his job and got evicted from his apartment. His family has turned their backs on him and so have all his friends. It is sad and awful and I hope hitting rock bottom will be a wake up call. I highly doubt it. 

So, yeah. That is pretty much consuming me and I have zero on my mind other than all of that. I love this place and love all of you that still read. I promise, when everything isn't so bleak, I will be updating with my normal shenanigans. I will definitely be updating during sober May. Because I am going to be bored as shit! 

How are all of you?

Self preservation

The boy unfriended me on facebook. And I am upset about it. Not because my feelings are hurt but because I know he did it because I hurt him. 

When I ended things, I thought I was saying what both of us were feeling. I thought there would be shock, then relief. I thought he felt guilty and stuck around because I didn't make enough money to make it on my own. I stayed longer than I should have for the same reason. 

I was wrong. I hurt him. The day I moved out he posted on facebook that it was the hardest day of his life. 

I meant it when I said I wanted to remain friends. I had to block his posts because it upset me to see him upset. I needed space from him so that we could be friends. 

He said that when he was ready, he wanted to talk. To know what happened. I agreed, knowing I would never have that conversation and open wounds he had worked to heal. 

I got a call the other day about NCH from the vet. I called to relay the message and was sent straight to voicemail. It stung a little. That's not how friends treat each other. 

I was doing a facebook cleaning today and as I went through my friends list I realized he wasn't there. Nor were his friends from high school. And it hit me. I hurt him again. 

Giddy off of finally being out at work, man-pants and I decided to change our profile pictures and become facebook official. We were so excited that we could tell people, I didn't think what it would do to him. Maybe it was before that and I just didn't notice. I don't know. But it upset me that I could have hurt him again. And it upset me that I will probably never see him again. Or our mutual friends. It occurred to me that my getting out of an extremely unhappy, unhealthy situation for me was devastating for him. It occurred to me that he probably hates me. And the people he talks to on a regular basis probably hate me too. 

To all of them, I left suddenly and unexpectedly leaving him stunned and devastated. None of them see that I made a handful of extremely hard decisions so that I could hopefully find happiness. 

I suppose this is how break ups go. The people who knew me well were not surprised. The people who didn't were shocked. Comfortable is not happy. 

I had a boyfriend do something very similar to me and it has only been in the past few years that I could imagine having a drink with him. 

I hope one day the boy gets there. I really do. Because I miss his friendship. And it hurts me to know that we will never grab that drink. And that it is because of my actions and how much I hurt him. My intentions were never to do him any harm, they were simply to save myself.

Finding the real me.

I have this terrible habit of dooming things before they start. Every weekend, I dread Sunday because it means the weekend is almost over. I can pick apart any situation and find the negative. 

I am changing that. When you go through essentially a divorce, move and change jobs in a month, dwelling on the negative ends in a nervous breakdown. A lot went really, really wrong really, really fast. And something in me broke. I lost the ability to doom everything. I hit rock bottom, if you will. There was no where to go but up. I started giving myself pep talks, forcing myself to see the positive in every situation. My apartment is a shit hole and my landlord is a slumlord. But it's mine. And I am safe and on the same block as one of my favorite bars. And I love my neighbors. You get the point. 

Can I tell you what a difference it has made in my life? I don't normally do the preachy, life is wonderful kind of thing, but man is life wonderful. Bad things are still happenning. I have just the same amount of stress I have always had. But instead of stressing out, I force myself to focus on the positive things in my life. Do I slip? Absolutely. But I feel like I am in control of my life for the first time. I am controlling my own happiness. No more letting things happen to me. 

Most importantly, I am making decisions that make me happy. I'm not making decisions to make other people happy. That's not to say I am a sociopath or anything. But I had to stop caring what people thought because, frankly, it hurt too much to see the pity in their eyes. It hurt too much to try to guess what they were saying about me. 

I dyed my hair purple and blue. That sounds crazy, I know. But it was done professionally and it is so bad ass I can't even tell you. I will have man-pants take pictures and post them so you all don't think I have lost my mind.

I am in the process of getting a food sleeve on my left arm. 

And I am doing these things because they make me happy. I have always wanted to dye my hair crazy colors. I love having art on my body. 

I am happy. And I can attribute it all to positive thinking. The queen of sarcasm and pessimism has gone to the dark side. Or perhaps the light side in this case. And it feels damn good.

Herbert, my new BFF

It is sixty degrees and sunny and I am writing a blog post. Why, yes, I have lost my mind, thank you for asking. I also am not wearing pants. But I swear I will put on pants and go outside as soon as I am done. 

I have mice. Or mouse as I have only seen one. But more than likely mice. I discovered this when I grabbed a loaf of bread off the refrigerator and there was a mouse sized hole in it. I turned to man-pants and declared that we now had tiny little pets and should we buy them sweaters? He looked at me like I had lost my damn mind and drug me to the hardware store for mouse killing devices. 

See, everytime I have had mice, I have just coexisted with them. They don't bother me and I have never had an infestation of any kind. Just signs here and there. Maybe a sighting now and then. Apparently I am weird and death to all mice. I can't handle the thought of killing said mice, so man-pants was in charge. We bought glue traps (the snappy ones with a dog? No) and he was going to put them someplace I would never see a dead animal and the dog would never eat a dead animal. 

The traps are still sitting on top of the fridge. So, last night I went to get a glass of wine and turned on the kitchen light and there goes Herbert running from the wine rack to under the fridge. I screamed like a girl because it scared the living shit out of me. But then I kept going in the kitchen trying to find him because he was adorable. And probably chilly because he didn't have a sweater. Man-pants upon observing my obsession with Herbert rolled his eyes and declared we would go to the store tomorrow and get catch and release traps. That is true love right there. 

Except he has to drive because my perfectly lovely car is still sitting out back. 

I wonder how he feels about otters? 

10 people I DIDN'T hire

I'm currently hiring a part time dish washer. This seems like a normal everyday thing a kitchen manager would do, right? Ha! Yeah, I thought so too. 

1. The kid who showed up for his job interview in a hoodie, with the hood up. 20 minutes late. And stoned.

2. The guy who filled out the last four digits of his social security number with "51."

3. The woman who is only available Tuesday through Friday 2pm to 7pm. The Craigslist ad clearly stated must be available nights and weekends.

4. The man who answered no to being arrested for more than a minor misdemeanor...but when I ran the background check it pulled up TWELVE domestic violence arrests.

5. The brother of my current dishwasher who,, when asked to text me when he was available for a working interview, simply sent a text that said "schedules tight" and I haven't heard from him since.

6. The person who emailed (when the ad had a link to fill out an online app) their resume which listed three jobs and that's it. Where they worked and how long. Nothing more, nothing less.

7. The other person who emailed me their resume which contained a phone number that was disconnected. 

8. The guy who answered his phone "what up dawg" and refused to give me his birthdate for the background check.

9. The woman who asked if she could split the shifts with her friend because she didn't want to work 10 hours straight.

10. The person who returned my call totally shit faced at 10 am. 

The episode where Erratic learns she is driving the bat mobile.

Well...we are officially out at work. All of my gay friends find it hilarious that we have been in the closet for almost two months. It feels pretty awesome. When we went in public, we had a strict no affection rule. Now walking down the street holding hands is not a big deal. 

It happened exactly how we both thought it would. One day nobody knew, the next day EVERYBODY knew. And nobody seems to care beyond it being the latest gossip. All of this hiding for nothing.

On a TOTALLY unrelated note, have any of you heard of Car2Go? The basic concept is you get a membership and you can drive these cars anytime you want for like $.38/minute (I don't know the exact cost.) They park at meters for free too. It is sort of the best thing ever. Costs me about $2.60 one way to take them to work. Bus fare is $2 and takes about a half hour. To go a mile. So worth $.60 to me. 

Why am I driving a Car2Go to work, you ask? Well...let me tell you a tale I like to call Erratic blows up her car.

Unless you live on Mars, you know this winter has been absolutely horrific. We are 15 inches from breaking the snow record for Ohio. It is the third "snowiest" winter on record. And let's not even talk about the weeks of sub zero temperatures and the time a space heater blew a fuse and I had no electricity in the front half of my apartment for a week. So, naturally lots of snow means lots of pot holes. The two by three foot one that was 6 inches deep was the death of my front right tire. Now. I have the money to fix it. It's amazing how not tight money is when you live well below your means. I have the time to fix it. However, I do not have the lock key to the lug nut. Now I realize your reaction is probably one of light amusement. Get another one, you are thinking. This is a stupid blog post about you going to the store is crossing your mind. Don't worry, I felt the same way. It's a natural reaction. 

It is 2014 and I cannot get the tire off my car. It has been a week. 

First we tried AAA. They are efficient and fast and wonderful, right? This is true when they don't send Joe Dirt from Joe's incompetent and slightly smelly towing. Nice AAA sticker you slapped, crookedly, on your truck. 30 seconds of trying and nope, that tire is on there forever, time for a new car. Oh! And I am going to block the alley for an hour while I write this all up. LONGER THAN I SPEND TRYING TO GET YOUR TIRE OFF. 

This is when I started searching for gasoline and a match. Man-pants started calling around for estimates on the fire departments reaction time.

The next day we take a field trip to the dealership where I bought the car. I walk right up to the parts department and have the following conversation.

E: I have misplaced the key to my locking lug nut. 

Parts guy: do you want to purchase a new set of locking lug nuts?

E: no. My tire is flat and I need to change it.

PG: is the car here?

E: no. I have a flat tire. 

PG: well, we have everything here to help you if you bring the car in. 

E: I can't change my tire to get the car to you.

PG: well, we have keys here, but I can't loan them out.

E: I don't want to borrow a new one, I want to buy one.

PG: oh!! Well, that's easy. Your car came with a tiny piece of paper with a code on it. If you bring that in, we can sell you a new one.

E: I bought my car 9 years ago and was never told that a tiny piece of paper bore any sort of importance. Seriously? (At this point I thought I was being Punk'd)

PG: or you can bring the car in and I will sell you one. 

E: I have a flat tire...just...never mind.

I proceeded to walk out and demand that man-pants take me somewhere with booze immediately. 

Also...tiny piece of paper with a code on it? AM I SECRETLY DRIVING THE BAT MOBILE? 

So, my car sits behind my apartment with a flat tire and no solution in sight. On a happy note, I am now positive I can survive without a car! As long as I never need to leave downtown for any reason. 

There was also an evening last week that man-pants took to you tube to find a way to get the lug nuts off without a key. The only result was him being very cold and quite drunk by the time I got home. Ugh. Cars...am I right?

Dating woes

I learned something very important being single in my thirties...there is almost always a reason people are still single in their thirties. Some are perfectly reasonable, like divorce or a break up or some such thing. Some of these people are just fucking crazy. 

What is funny about my dating stories is that all of this happened once I started the new job and man-pants was sort of the person I confided in and vice versa. We would exchange our horrible dating stories and laugh about them, both of us secretly happy it didn't work out. I will say it again, every relationship should start as a friendship. He became one of my closest friends and the transition into a relationship was ridiculously easy and natural. 

On to Erratic's dating horror stories...

I will start with the beer delivery guy. I have known him for some time, he delivered to a restaurant I worked for. We have been facebook friends and text now and then. This was probably the only story I didn't immediately find hilarious because I genuinely had high hopes for this. We talked on and off for several weeks and then decided to grab a beer. It went great. I actually spent New Years Eve on the phone with him for four hours. (I worked until 11) Out of the blue, he told me I was too clingy and needy and it was a huge turn off. Then he not only unfriended me on Facebook, he blocked me. I still have zero clue what happened because I am not clingy nor needy. At all. In fact, I am the polar opposite of both those things. His text (yes, text) said something along the lines of "I have consulted a friend and after much deliberation, despite you being a great kisser, I do not want to persue a relationship with you." I am not entirely sure if I got blown off or just didn't get a job I didn't know I applied for. 

Then there was the chemist who I met at a bar by my house. Really great guy. We went out several times. We made plans one night to cook dinner at my apartment. He was going to grab stuff from the store and meet me here after work. At about 4:00 pm he said he was leaving for the store. I never heard from him again. I know he is fine because he has an iPhone which shows me when a message is read. No explanation, just never heard from him again.

There was the non-date, date. I volunteer at a battered women's shelter and a men's mission. I took one of the guys from the mission to a job interview and then treated him to lunch. I am 99% sure he thought it was a date. Needless to say, I stopped responding to his texts when they got sexual.

There was the guy who literally said nothing the entire date and then got mad when I ended it early. I was called a tease and told that we had great chemistry, I was just too stupid and stuck up to see it. He literally said NOTHING but one word answers to questions I asked. Oh and when I ended it early, he left and stuck me with the bill. 

And I most certainly saved the best for last. I again met this guy at the bar, we exchanged numbers since we were both out with friends. He was incredibly good looking and was a counselor at a shelter for troubled boys. Kind of thought this guy was perfect. We talked on and off for a week - he worked second shift making it difficult to mesh schedules. We finally went out and came back to my apartment to watch a movie. He pulled me into his lap and when I turned to kiss him, he put a finger in front of my lips and said "I don't kiss, but you can suck my dick if you want." Needless to say I threw him out and never spoke to him again. Who does that?

But it all lead me to man-pants, so I suppose it was good to get all the bad ones out of the way. I know I wasn't single long, but I genuinely hope I never have to be single again. Because like Josey said in the comments...sometimes you just know. 

The Neighborhood

What summer brought living on my street was warm nights drinking beer on the stoop. It was support when everyone was sort of falling apart. It was a little family that held each other up. 

This winter has been rough. Freezing cold temperatures, record snow fall, and very little time outside of the house. This brought out a lot of depression amongst the street, myself included. Luckily man-pants came along and made me want to spend all of my time in my apartment. 

Not so much for everyone else. My neighbors lost one of their mothers and have been traveling back and forth to Indiana since Thanksgiving. I can hear them screaming at each other through the floor. 

Another neighbor just stopped taking care of his pets and finally surrendered them to the humane society. He owes two of us so much money we have lost track.

Another neighbor is pretty much drinking 24/7, including at work. He works for me two nights a week for some extra money washing dishes. The first time I have proof he is drinking, I will fire him. I have already decided I do not want him to be a part of my life. 

I am lucky that I do not suffer from mental illness. And I have done everything I can to be there for the neighbors. But I just can't anymore. Our little family is slowly becoming smaller as everyone is coming to the same conclusion that I have. And that is ok. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I don't know what spring will bring. I hope it snaps everyone out of this and maybe some friendships can be mended. Maybe they can't. But needless to say, the snow that is coming tomorrow is quite unwelcome. 

The story

When I started at my new job, one of the first things I did was establish a management structure by appointing shift leads. I obviously spent a lot of time with them initially figuring out solutions to the problems that I saw right away. One of those shift leads became a fast friend. We spent a lot of time discussing the issues going on, fixing recipes and even working to come out with a new menu. 

There were feelings there very early on. I sort of refused to acknowledge them. He is the person I confided in when I had a terrible date. I found myself going in to work on my days off, timing it so I was done at the same time he was so we could have our shift drink together. 

He is an artist and offered to paint my apartment. Maybe do some cool graffiti shit in the hallway. He came over to take measurements one day and I invited him to grab a drink at the bar next door. Needless to say, one thing lead to another and just friends we no longer were. 

I freaked out. To the point of almost having a panic attack at work the next day. I was his boss and this was extremely inappropriate. I don't do things like this. I am good at this kind of boundary. We talked and both agreed that these feelings had been there for months; he was actually self aware enough to realize he had them far before that day. I apparently enjoy getting kicked in the face with months worth of feelings all at once. 

We have been seeing each other for about a month. We have not told anyone at work yet, but will probably change that sooner than later. Because this is definitely not a fling. He knows me better than most people in my life and it has been a month. I have never dated anyone I was friends with first and it is quite possibly the only way to go. We were close as friends and being in a relationship magnified that closeness. I can tell him anything and he will still love me. Yes, I said love. We are most definitely in love. I have never experienced anything like this. 

I introduced him to my dad last weekend. We have plans to drive to his hometown so I can meet his parents. Is it fast? Yes. Yes it is. It scares me a little. But then I remember who it is and I am ok with it. Because I have never felt safer with anyone in my entire life. I have never been this content. For the first time I feel like I have a partner, someone always on my side. 

And just to ease everyone's mind, no I can't lose my job. There is no policy against this. And we have already discussed one of us leaving and finding a new job in the company if this gets serious. The owner often dates servers. The hang ups we have are simply because we both want people at work to respect us and are scared that will change if this comes out. 

So there you have it. The story of the new man in my life, who we will call man-pants. Because his term of endearment for me is lady-pants. Or just lady. As I write this, he is asleep on my shoulder. We have a very rare day off together and are cooking dinner for the neighbors. But even if we weren't, we would be together. It's weird for me, to want to spend this much time with someone. And I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm Alive!

I am not done with this blog. I swear, I'm not. Several things are going on here. First of all, I haven't had a laptop for months. First the power cord died, then something screwy is going on with the login and I haven't had time to go to the apple store. I also, you know, ended a relationship, moved and started a job in a month. This space didn't feel the safest to talk about what all of that meant to me. Most people who know me well, the boy included, read this blog. And what I have been going through is deeply personal and I didn't want to share it here. It feels like, for the first time, I am on the other side of that. I can talk about it, talk about what has been going on with me. It will just have to be from the app on my phone for the time being. Because I miss being here. I miss writing. I miss all of you. Those of you that have blogs, I have been loyally reading and, as per usual, not commenting. But I've been here, lurking in the shadows and biding my time until I feel whole enough to be back. And back I am. 

The new job is not just going well, it is fantastic. I feel in my element every single day. I am good at this, at running a kitchen. Every job I have ever had in a kitchen my hands have been tied and I wasn't able to make any of the decisions. Now I can and it is awesome. I feel like all of the things I am doing and decisions I  am making are making the restaurant better for my staff and for the customers. It's a good feeling. And for the most part, the staff likes me. That is also a very good feeling. 

I was dating for a while, if you can even call it that. I met some awesome people I didn't click with and some TERRIBLE people. There will be a blog post all on it's own for erratics dating mishaps. My pain is your amusement. I am no longer dating because I met someone. And, yes it is soon and yes that scares me a little, but you guys. He is wonderful. And he deserves his very own post so that is all you get for now. 

The neighborhood family is having some trouble right now, which I will also save for it's own post. But with the addition of some new members, we are still going strong. I love, love my street no matter how crazy it can get. 

The holidays were very hard for me. There was a lot of the family talking behind my back about me being newly single blah blah. It was extremely hurtful and I wish they had come to me and asked rather than jumping to conclusions about where my life is headed. It definitely put some distance between me and everybody which is equally hurtful. I did not need that on top of everything else. I obviously am not going to post the details here, but the comments that got back to me made me question a lot of relationships in the first place. Why do people do that? Kick you when you are down? Isn't it easier, and infinitely kinder, to just say, "I don't know what happened, I am so sorry it did, and if you need to talk I am here." Not one person, aside from my father, asked what happened. And that's fine, I understand not wanting to pry, but then discussing my future behind my back certainly isn't appropriate. Needless to say I picked up every shift I could so I wasn't around and just buried myself in work. 

So that is the summary, I guess. More posts coming soon as promised! It feels good to be back.