Sunday, May 4, 2014

Judgement, love and support

I have been struggling, really struggling lately. I am the happiest I have been in recent memory. It seems as if in the past year everything has fallen into place. I had to make some hard choices and I hurt some people along the way. I regret that part of it immensely. I also realize from the outside looking in, it looks like I had a nervous breakdown. And putting the people around me through that stress has been eating away at me. I find myself in tears quite often thinking of the whispers around the holidays. Of the events that have recently come to light that crippled me for days because of how hurtful and deceitful they were. I find myself dwelling on that rather than moving forward. 

And I find myself not being able to move past the stigma of dating an employee. Granted, in 3 weeks he is taking over another restaurant in the company and it will all be moot. But I feel as though there has been a rain cloud following me around on the sunniest day of my life. And I can't seem to let it go. 

Until last Thursday. Big Jed has been studying EPT, or Emotional Polarity Technique. I will let you all google that on your own, but basically it is a holistic approach to emotion. To finding the root cause of a certain emotion and allowing yourself to let it go through understanding and polarity. (That is definitely dumbing it down, so maybe Big Jed can elaborate in the comments or post a link that isn't terrible.)

Anyway, she asked if I could be one of her practice patients to help get her certification. I, of course, agreed and decided that this was the issue I needed to short why everyone else affected my happiness so much. And after much digging and finding the shocking root of the problem, she completed the therapy and I felt, well, tired. 

Queue the next day, it was like the black cloud had been lifted. I no longer felt guilty that everyone was worried about me because I wasn't. And if they talked to me, they wouldn't worry either. I no longer cared about how man-pants and I met because this is the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Not a doubt in my mind and there hasn't been since day one. I no longer care if people doubt the decisions I am making because I know they are right for me, healthy for me. For the first time in my entire adult life I feel free. I love my friends and family, but it's not my place to judge their choices just as it is not theirs to judge mine. As long as they are happy and healthy, I don't give a shit. As long as I am happy and healthy, I give nobody the right to make me feel bad about my choices. 

I know that seems obvious and very easy to say...and I have said those words outloud 100 times. And meant them only now. I feel like for the first time in my life, I get to just be me. The good, the bad, me. Man-pants sees it all. And, shockingly, for the first time I am in a relationship where the bad and the ugly and the darkest of all the shadows are so easy to talk about. And they are met with a hug and a kiss and support. There is no anger, no disappointment, nothing but support and love. 

It's real easy to sit back and judge other people. To find someone with the same moral compass as you and to look at everyone else and think about how much better you have it. It's not that easy to sit across from the person you love and put all your skeletons out there. But it's really fucking great when that person doesn't judge you for it, doesn't think any less of you. 

From this point forward, I am living my life for me. I am making the choices I want to make. Whether this is a body covered in tattoos or selling everything I own and moving to Aruba to open a food truck on the beach. I will make decisions that make me happy and refuse to let others make me feel bad about that because it is not a decision they would make. And I promise to do my damnedest to be supportive and loving and non-judgemental to those I hold dear. 

Sober May might turn out to be the best thing I ever did. 

Next: Insomnia. Big Jed, you up for the challenge??


J o s e y said...

Love this. :) So glad that Big Jed was able to help you out!

Kristen said...

I have my appointment with Big Jed on Wednesday evening and this post made me even more excited. I haven't picked my topic yet, because there is so many to choose from. This is sort of awesome. Also, I have told you this before, but I am telling you again because I truly mean it. I am in awe of you and your choices. I so admire the risks you have taken to be happy and often times when looking at my life, remind myself of the things you have done and look at it as inspiration. Like, all the time. So...chew on that. :) Love you.

Benny said...

Even though we talked and I knew that EPT helped you, I just got goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. Knowing that I have actually helped someone let go of something negative makes me feel so good. And I'm glad that you are feeling the way you are. I'm so happy!! And yes, I just found limitless belief that we are going to "install" next time for insomnia. Prepare yourself for sleep, sister!!!!

Anyone wanting more information can go to I don't have my site up and running quite yet, but you can pimp me out as soon as I do. Thanks for the good PR. Love you!!!!!!!!