When I ended things, I thought I was saying what both of us were feeling. I thought there would be shock, then relief. I thought he felt guilty and stuck around because I didn't make enough money to make it on my own. I stayed longer than I should have for the same reason.
I was wrong. I hurt him. The day I moved out he posted on facebook that it was the hardest day of his life.
I meant it when I said I wanted to remain friends. I had to block his posts because it upset me to see him upset. I needed space from him so that we could be friends.
He said that when he was ready, he wanted to talk. To know what happened. I agreed, knowing I would never have that conversation and open wounds he had worked to heal.
I got a call the other day about NCH from the vet. I called to relay the message and was sent straight to voicemail. It stung a little. That's not how friends treat each other.
I was doing a facebook cleaning today and as I went through my friends list I realized he wasn't there. Nor were his friends from high school. And it hit me. I hurt him again.
Giddy off of finally being out at work, man-pants and I decided to change our profile pictures and become facebook official. We were so excited that we could tell people, I didn't think what it would do to him. Maybe it was before that and I just didn't notice. I don't know. But it upset me that I could have hurt him again. And it upset me that I will probably never see him again. Or our mutual friends. It occurred to me that my getting out of an extremely unhappy, unhealthy situation for me was devastating for him. It occurred to me that he probably hates me. And the people he talks to on a regular basis probably hate me too.
To all of them, I left suddenly and unexpectedly leaving him stunned and devastated. None of them see that I made a handful of extremely hard decisions so that I could hopefully find happiness.
I suppose this is how break ups go. The people who knew me well were not surprised. The people who didn't were shocked. Comfortable is not happy.
I had a boyfriend do something very similar to me and it has only been in the past few years that I could imagine having a drink with him.
I hope one day the boy gets there. I really do. Because I miss his friendship. And it hurts me to know that we will never grab that drink. And that it is because of my actions and how much I hurt him. My intentions were never to do him any harm, they were simply to save myself.