Monday, February 10, 2014

Dating woes

I learned something very important being single in my thirties...there is almost always a reason people are still single in their thirties. Some are perfectly reasonable, like divorce or a break up or some such thing. Some of these people are just fucking crazy. 

What is funny about my dating stories is that all of this happened once I started the new job and man-pants was sort of the person I confided in and vice versa. We would exchange our horrible dating stories and laugh about them, both of us secretly happy it didn't work out. I will say it again, every relationship should start as a friendship. He became one of my closest friends and the transition into a relationship was ridiculously easy and natural. 

On to Erratic's dating horror stories...

I will start with the beer delivery guy. I have known him for some time, he delivered to a restaurant I worked for. We have been facebook friends and text now and then. This was probably the only story I didn't immediately find hilarious because I genuinely had high hopes for this. We talked on and off for several weeks and then decided to grab a beer. It went great. I actually spent New Years Eve on the phone with him for four hours. (I worked until 11) Out of the blue, he told me I was too clingy and needy and it was a huge turn off. Then he not only unfriended me on Facebook, he blocked me. I still have zero clue what happened because I am not clingy nor needy. At all. In fact, I am the polar opposite of both those things. His text (yes, text) said something along the lines of "I have consulted a friend and after much deliberation, despite you being a great kisser, I do not want to persue a relationship with you." I am not entirely sure if I got blown off or just didn't get a job I didn't know I applied for. 

Then there was the chemist who I met at a bar by my house. Really great guy. We went out several times. We made plans one night to cook dinner at my apartment. He was going to grab stuff from the store and meet me here after work. At about 4:00 pm he said he was leaving for the store. I never heard from him again. I know he is fine because he has an iPhone which shows me when a message is read. No explanation, just never heard from him again.

There was the non-date, date. I volunteer at a battered women's shelter and a men's mission. I took one of the guys from the mission to a job interview and then treated him to lunch. I am 99% sure he thought it was a date. Needless to say, I stopped responding to his texts when they got sexual.

There was the guy who literally said nothing the entire date and then got mad when I ended it early. I was called a tease and told that we had great chemistry, I was just too stupid and stuck up to see it. He literally said NOTHING but one word answers to questions I asked. Oh and when I ended it early, he left and stuck me with the bill. 

And I most certainly saved the best for last. I again met this guy at the bar, we exchanged numbers since we were both out with friends. He was incredibly good looking and was a counselor at a shelter for troubled boys. Kind of thought this guy was perfect. We talked on and off for a week - he worked second shift making it difficult to mesh schedules. We finally went out and came back to my apartment to watch a movie. He pulled me into his lap and when I turned to kiss him, he put a finger in front of my lips and said "I don't kiss, but you can suck my dick if you want." Needless to say I threw him out and never spoke to him again. Who does that?

But it all lead me to man-pants, so I suppose it was good to get all the bad ones out of the way. I know I wasn't single long, but I genuinely hope I never have to be single again. Because like Josey said in the comments...sometimes you just know. 

3 comments:

J o s e y said...

LOL - okay, these stories just made my day. I'm so glad you DIDN'T have to kiss too many frogs (or suck any dicks) to find your prince. ;) #BlessingInDisguise

monique said...

It's scary out there for sure.
Just copy/paste Josey's comment here. Haha!

Missy K said...

Ok...the dude that just never showed up from the store for dinner...I'd have to hunt him down & punch him. WTF? I don't know why, but that is the one that would irritate the hell out of me the most. LOL!

The FB friend...I'd wonder if he was married & got caught but didn't want to own up to it. My ex-husband just got caught in one of those by his current wife.

Here's to hoping no more frogs. :D