Just...holy shit. This is happening.

Remember how I was excited about buying a house? I still am. It has been almost 11 years since I last purchased a home of any kind. I forgot the stress of it all. I forgot what it was like to see the numbers in front of you and go, HOLY FUCK I CANNOT AFFORD THIS. But we can. We are. We are doing this.

I had dinner with friends tonight while the boy read through the mortgage and all the contracts. I drank a beer while the boy spent an amount of money that could buy at least a car. I came home and he had taken a fair amount of tequila shots and beer and was hyped up on mortgage anxiety. 

We are doing this.

The boy is buying the house. This is a story I am not going to tell here, yet. Maybe ever. There are lawyers and a lot of shit involved with us selling the condo that are just, well, shitty. So, I feel a little disconnected. I feel a little sad that I am going to be a renter, in the legality of things. I feel a little sad to leave my home of 11 years. A home that Kobi grew up and died in. A home that housed Krackle and I. A home that held Kaya and Ally - Krackle's dogs. A home that holds so much of me. It's hard. It's hard to be going through what I am going through. So, yes I am ridiculously happy. Yes, this is exactly what I want.  But, I am sad. 

It is hard to talk about this because I am trying so hard to focus on the future, the new, the next step. I am writing garden journals and so many spreadsheets. I am trying to just get my mind off of the fact that I am leaving my entire adult life behind. In this one place, this one home.

I grew up moving a lot. I lived in 6 houses by the time I was 17. 9 houses before I bought this condo at 20. This is the longest I have lived in one place by, well, a lot of years.  At least 5 years. 

And I have always been in control. For 11 years I have had my house and my car and my things. This changes that. The house will technically be the boys. We are selling my car, so I will technically have no car. 

It is easy for me to focus on the good. The things that are going to be amazing about all of these changes, because, well, I have to focus on those things. If I start to think about everything else, well, I find it hard to breathe. 

I am so excited, I really am. I am just overwhelmed. I am scared. I am putting my faith in someone else and I don't think I have ever done that before, not on this level. I am in love and happy and trust the boy, but holy shit. I am about to give away everything that is me so that me can become us. And it is fucking awesome. Terrifying. But, awesome.