Monday, April 30, 2012

Overwhelmed. So. So. So Overwhelmed.

I am in agony. We had the inspection eight days ago. It took 7 days for the owner to respond to our demands on what to fix. Which, let me tell you, were NOTHING. Not compared to the repairs that we took on. Then he comes back haggling over a mere $850 dollars and we are being stubborn. Because, fuck, we are THOUSANDS of dollars out of our comfort zone here. And I am going from excited to pissed. Fucking. Fuck. Pissed.

We may have to walk away. From this house that we have already in some weird way made a home. Despite both of us cautioning against it, we fell in love. And now we are sitting here, both of us knowing that last $850 is a deal breaker. Because that leaves us with almost nothing. That leaves us vulnerable. I am not sad, I am mad. This is often how I find myself reacting when I put myself out there and am let down. I don't get hurt, I get fucking pissed. And spiteful. It's silly, this amount of money. The haggling that is taking place right now is just petty and it PISSES ME OFF. Because it is important to us. And I am 99% sure that $850 is not important to them. If it comes down to it, will we walk away? I don't know. Maybe. It's not a good feeling.

All of this has lead to me not sleeping for (almost exactly now) 36 hours. Like, I did not sleep last night. I started to doze off around 5:45 and was up by 6:00 at which point I turned the light back on to read. My eyes hurt. Burn. I have been putting eye drops in all day like I was 20 again. 

Work is equally as stressful. I found out that I will be cooking food on Thursday that Hubert Keller will be eating. If you don't know who that is...pick a sport. Then pick your favorite athlete. Then play him in your favorite sport and tell me that you didn't almost shit your pants when the TV station dropped off the fucking fuck menu inserts with his picture all over the front. Tell me that you didn't almost hyperventilate when your plan was a fucking goat cheese crostini and you had THREE DAYS to come up with a dish that would make this man remember your name. Because, oh yeah, the owner put MY NAME AND MINE ALONE on this food. Tell me you didn't want to walk away and cry all day long because you hadn't slept and you were exhausted and overwhelmed. BECAUSE YOU WERE TOLD TO JUST COME UP WITH A QUICK, SIMPLE APPETIZER FOR PEOPLE TO MUNCH ON. Yes, I get that he is a man like any other man. Please don't patronize me with that bullshit. Because when one of your idols is about to eat your food, you don't give a fuck which leg he puts in his fucking pants first. You just want him to eat your food, raise his eyebrows, and say, "this is excellent." (there was a lot of "he puts his pants on like any other man" bullshit today that made me stabby. Clearly.)

And then tell me you didn't almost murder your coworker who called off for a hangover. !@#$!%!$!#$#!

I don't even have words.

I have gotten so much better at handling stress. This industry has taught me self control and to expect everything and nothing. It has taught me to just take the blows as they come and that tomorrow is a new day. It even taught me to sleep, because when your body is exhausted, it is hard not to. 

But, fuck, if everything doesn't come all at once and I am so overwhelmed sometimes it is hard to breathe. I am on the edge of everything I want. And I am SO. FUCKING. SCARED. Because what if it all falls apart? It is somehow harder for me to prepare for this. 

Because if it all fucking works? If everything turns out perfect? I can deal with that. I will have no idea how to and I will probably stare at things and excessively blink a lot, but that is easy. That is just easy.

It's really hard to be standing in front of everything you want and wondering when it will all get taken away. Because I am still a pessimist at heart. And I am thinking so many positive thoughts that I worry I will, quite literally, shit out rainbows. I am sending so much happy out into the universe it makes me gag. 

I just want all of this to work. For Hubert Keller to say, yeah, that was some good ass food. For all of the seven gazillion other things going on at the restaurant to work out (I can't share this publicly, but things are grim for the moment.) To get this house. To be able to afford all of the expenses that come with fixing up this house, moving, just being there.

I just want to BE THERE. In so many aspects of my life. I just want to be there.

Something tells me I won't be sleeping tonight either.


Rachael Heiner said...

I'm so sorry. I have no idea why life decides to throw EVERYTHING at us at once... it seems to go that way around these parts too. I hope that the house works out, and get exactly where you're coming from with being pissed because you know it's not a big deal to them and they're fighting over it. I feel lie I've been there so many times - SO frustrating. Hubert Keller? Awesome! I'll be thinking good thoughts on both fronts.

J o s e y said...

Ugh, that sucks when the "little" expenses end up adding up so quickly that they become deal breakers. I get that though, for sure.

You will make some amazeballs food for Hubert Keller because you are an amazeballs chef. Remember that!