I cannot handle a bedazzled Letterman's jacket.

I hope that this doesn't sound conceited. But, it probably will.  So, right. 

I would also like to add a disclaimer that the boy and I have been CHUGGING margaritas in order to not kill each other because closing on a house is FUCKING STRESSFUL and the mortgage company just informed of us of their obligatory surprise costs. Fuck that.

And some bitch on The Voice is singing in the middle of a heart. This what happens when my "How I Met Your Mother" line up isn't on. I watch stupid bullshit TV and they sing in a heart and I get angry and want to throw the cat at the TV. AND NOW HE IS WEARING A FUCKING FUCK BEDAZZLED LETTERMAN'S JACKET.

So, my time is valuable. And I am not talking about sitting and hanging out with friends and drinking. I am talking about when you ask me, as a person with a skilled trade, to help you, a person without said skilled trade, to use that skilled trade to your advantage. 

Would you call your electrician friend and ask them to rewire your house for a party and then ask them to bring a gift to said party? No. You would say, hey, it's my birthday and in lieu of a present, would you rewire my house? And he would tell you to go fuck yourself and it will cost $1000. And no, he does not accept credit cards.

I have a skilled trade too. And it is SO FRUSTRATING because people always ask me to cook for things and never think, hey, she should be compensated for that. This is what she does for a living. 

Here's the thing. If you read this blog, and I know you in real life, I would cater your wedding, cook you dinner, throw you a dinner party including a 5 course meal. Hell yes I would. And I would charge you absolutely nothing for it. But, I would not buy you a wedding gift unless you paid me exactly what I cost. I would cook for all of you, even if I don't know you in real life, dinner. No strings attached. I am sure as fuck not making a 5 course meal and then buying you some bullshit digital picture frame. 

If you don't care about food, fine. Call some local restaurant that does catering cheap and regret it later. If you ask me to cater something, to give you a sit down, coursed out dinner, expect awesome. Because it will be. And I guarantee you, I will get ripped off in the process, even if you pay me.

Let's just say that I make $10/hr to cater your dinner party for 10 people. I will spend about 5 hours menu planning. Another 10 testing the recipes. Another 10 doing prep. At least, depending on the ingredients, $200 on food. (that is cheap) and then probably 5 actually executing the dinner. That is $50 a person. Except all I will actually get to charge you for is the prep, execution and food costs. That is $35 a person.

I do that shit for free ALL THE TIME. So, please don't ask me to do all of that and then bring a fucking gift. I will stab you. I want to stab you right now, person who doesn't read this blog but should because then they would understand what a total asshole they are.

Yes, all of you cook everyday and don't get paid for it. I do. I am not saying I am better than you. I am saying this is how I pay my bills. This is how I make a living. I am more than happy to come over and weed your garden for free, because if I fuck it up, my reputation isn't on the line. (note: there is no way I will come over and weed your garden.) 

I would love to cook everything for every one of you. I would. But, please don't ask me to bring the wine too, ya know?