Punching children is illegal. Probably.

This article made me think about things that make me crazy in restaurants. Kids aren't really one of them. Unless they are a screaming nightmare, but that goes for the grocery store and the gas station and everywhere. Is there anyone who LOVES the sound of screaming, poorly behaved children? Because it makes me want to punch children. And that is illegal.

So, here is my list of shit that DRIVES ME CRAZY from behind the scenes. Just for funsies.

1. Special orders. It is one thing to say no onion on the burger. But, we serve a pulled pork burrito and have a guy that comes in once a week and gets it with salmon instead of pork. Dude. No. Order off the menu, don't make up your own shit. We put a lot of thought into this menu.
2. Large groups of women. I know. I am a woman. But, let me just tell you those checks are the WORST checks we get. All special orders, all sauces on the side, and the server is PISSED the whole time. And generally get a shitty tip. 
3. People who say they have allergies when they don't. If you don't like onion, please just tell us that. We will not put onion in your food. But, if you are actually allergic to it, this requires A TON of work on our part to make sure you don't get sick. If an allergy comes in, I clean every work surface, change gloves, change out bowls, tongs, serving utensils, everything. Pretty please just tell me you hate onions.
4. Ordering off the lunch menu at dinner and the dinner menu at lunch. The line is stocked for that particular meal. Please don't order shit that we aren't ready for. ESPECIALLY if it is busy. Running around trying to pull that shit together during a rush pretty much ends in all of the customers in the dining room being affected. 
5. Large groups that don't call ahead. If you have twenty of your closest friends meet you at a restaurant, call. We will have a table set up. We will have enough food prepped. If all of a sudden twenty people show up and they all want the same thing, we probably won't have enough food to make it. This only applies to small restaurants, but still. Be courteous. Just think...would you want them to call ahead if it was your house? Then call ahead. Even if the place doesn't take reservations.

And on the flip side, here is my list of shit that DRIVES ME CRAZY when eating out.

1. A server who doesn't know shit about the wine list. I know more about wine that your average citizen and I am still intimidated by large wine lists. If I have the wine list out and I ask for suggestions, please know what the fuck you are talking about. It is your JOB.
2. Being rushed. I typically order multiple courses when I eat out. If I am still eating the previous one and you bring me food, I am going to be pissed. PISSED. I am not rude, so I won't say anything, but on the inside, I will be pinching your head. 
3. An empty drink or water. I am very understanding if it is busy and you are slammed. But if it happens all night, I am going to be upset. And probably tip less. Which will still be 20% because I work in kitchens and hear all day about how tipping should start at 20% and go from there. I GET IT. I TIP WELL. STOP LECTURING ME. 
4. When I ask the server what is good and they are flippant about it. I am asking what you eat before your shift. I am asking because I want a delicious meal and the server knows what is good. They eat the food. And if they don't eat the food? Well, I don't really want to eat there.
5. When the tables are too close together and you find yourself sharing your meal with the tables on either side of you. I get that this is very New York City and Chicago. Awesome. I am not in either of those cities. And I would like to be able to mock people from a comfortable distance.