Monday, January 31, 2011

Old Friends

When I talk about significant people in my life that I have lost, I discuss them here and here. I don't mean loss as in death, I mean friendships that ended but still affect me today. The first, the work friend who was so much more, I still choose not to talk about for many reasons. One of the last things she said to me, setting aside everything that had to do with the work shit, was that it had become too hard to be my friend. I never asked for clarification, knowing that I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I look back now and know that our friendship would never have lasted, we are too different. I do regret that it ended that way. (On a side note, I reread the comment from anonymous and felt so much better all over again. Thank you and I miss you.)

The second reference is to the old friend with the positive HIV status. Well, I have since learned probably not positive and definitely not sleeping with the current very close friend. Fuck, this is complicated. I over simplified before and don't really want to go into a whole lot of detail right now. Let's just say that this was my best friend for many, many years. An ex-boyfriend of a current friend, an ex-lover of a new friend.(I need to find more diversified gays. They all seem to know each other. And have slept with each other.) So, this person and I had a huge falling out that has lead to us not speaking for almost 5 years. We have mutual friends, obviously, so we heard about each other, which is how many of the rumors started.

Last week, he sent me a friend request on Facebook. The simple answer seems to be to just decline it and move on. But, I can't. I don't know why, but I can't. This person meant so much to me. And I go back and look through the email conversations that ended our friendship, and it was petty and stupid and immature. I will admit that. I will admit that I was looking for a reason to end our friendship because I felt this person was toxic and not healthy in my life. I was right, do not get me wrong. This person is toxic. But, I miss him. I really, really miss him. And some of you are rolling your eyes and calling me crazy and trying to virtually stab me. But, I do. I can't help it. He was my closest friend for a long time. I am not going to justify the things that he did in anyway shape or form. He hurt people that are very important to me. He hurt me. 

But, a part of me wants to accept the friend request. To find out what is going on in his life. To grab a beer and catch up and just talk. Like the old days, just talk. I know I will regret it. I know that it will spiral into the person who gets arrested again and again for DUI's and spends months in jail. The person whose car is covered in empty beer cans that he drinks while he is driving. The person who lies and tells people his father is dead to get things from them. I know that he is a bad person.

There is a lot of good there too. When he is not drinking, before he was this out of control person, there was a kindness. And a creativity. And a passion. And a good, good friend. He is an alcoholic. He is out of control now and unable to see how far he has fallen. I get that. I understand addiction and what it makes a person. I understand that until he gets sober, nothing will ever change. I SO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

I still miss him. I want one more night on his deck. One more night to say goodbye to the old friend so that I can completely let go.

I will never get that because he isn't there. I need to deny this friend request, I know that I do. But, I didn't. I haven't. I sent him a message instead, saying mostly what I said here. He responded by confronting all of our mutual friends and sending me a "get right back to you" response.

Nothing has changed. I doubt anything ever will.

But, fuck if I don't wish it would.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's true yo.