Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Nervous Breakdown: The Summary

I have sat down to write a blog post every day since my last one. Honestly? So much has happened in the past few days, I don't know where to start, or even if I can start.

This weekend was our catering event for our school menu project. We made an 8 course meal for 12 people. Each course contained 2 - 3 dishes. It was somewhere between a success and failure. The food was good...the worst rating we got was "fair." I can live with that. But, our timing was absolutely fucking horrible and I was a little embarrassed about that. All in all, though, I will put it in the win category. Tini and I worked a little on Thursday, all night Friday, and over 13 hours on Saturday. It was exhausting and the exact reason I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be a caterer. Ever. In case you wanted to ask me to cater something, just don't. It won't happen. I would rather stab a baby. Or 12. Catering = dead babies. Remember that. Always.

I got a weird friend request on Facebook Friday, which led to me being distracted and distressed most of the weekend. I tried to hide it, but I just failed. It was my former step brother who used to sneak into the bathroom and watch me shower. His father was abusive to my mother. So, to say the least, the friend request was not welcome. I gave it a lot of thought and decided to see what he wanted. Turns out that was more members for his mother fucking Mafia. I unfriended him immediately. But, it made me decide to look up his sisters, whom I believe I was close to for those unspeakable years. One of them likened my sister and me to Anastasia and Drizella (Cinderella), which devastated me. To think I had a part in the pain that was all those years is something I have not yet reconciled. I don't know that I ever will. I had no idea, which I think makes it even worse. I was a kid too, but the fact that 13 years later she is still talking about that pain, specific to my mother (explainable), my sister and me, feels like a punch in the stomach. Typing this now is taking my breath away.

I had my first resident death at work. I only met him a few times before he was transferred to assisted living, but his wife I know well. I know that I need to put on a thick skin to this. I know that I have a lot more of these in my future. But, loss is loss. And watching my coworkers shrug it off as a normal occurrence is making it that much more tragic for me. These people, even the mean, crabby ones, are still people. Some one's mother, some one's wife, some one's daughter...and some of them I want to adopt as my own, and visit everyday and just love. Because they have no family. Nobody to visit. Nobody to bring them groceries or stop by for brunch on Sunday. It breaks my heart.

On top of all of this, it is finals week. My practical for Kitchen is a lot like the show Chopped...we get a cart of ingredients and have to make dishes from it. And I do not have a single day off this week. I will make it work, I always do. I am just a ball of stress and anxiety.

What scares me the most? Honestly? Tini leaving. This is his last term and I know that it is codependent and crazy, but I am going to fucking miss him. I know I will be OK and I know that we will hang out and get drunk and take inappropriate pictures and drunk dial people, but I will still miss him everyday.

I also found out that an old friend of mine has thrown his life away, which is tragic, but honestly doesn't affect me. What affects me is that he may be sleeping with a good friend of mine, who has no idea the STD's (and possibly AIDS) that he is infected with. I just don't know what to do. I called him, my good friend, but he did not return my call. And the thought of losing him, after all of this, to some stupid mother fucker who CHOSE to have unprotected sex with someone who is HIV positive makes me want to vomit. I will live on his fucking porch to make sure he is aware of this old friend's status. I refuse, REFUSE to let this happen. I know it is not my place and I know that I am violating every boundary in the book, but I love him too much not to violate him terribly. I am THAT kind of friend.

So, that is my nervous breakdown in a post. I am trying really hard to hold my shit together and I feel like I am failing at every turn.


Bradshaw said...

Sometimes brain dumps like these are the best thing for you. Sounds like you're having a rough time, but at the same time, things will calm down soon. They have to. Finals will be over, you'll get past the former family stuff, and you'll still have Tini with you. I know you'll make it through.

Krackle said...

If you need someone, I am here. Even just a happy hour :) Let me know. I will also sit his front porch with you.