Happy New Year!

I have spent the better part of the day catching up on blogs and reading every one's end of the year recap and you have all made me feel like a complete waste of oxygen for not posting one. So, here I go, vaguely against my will. Oh, guilt, why do you work so well?

This year has been eventful to say the least. I spent a year in culinary school, with only a few months ahead of me before graduation. This experience has changed who I am. I never thought I could love food more, but each day I find that I can. Each time I taste something I have never tasted. As huge, life changing decisions go, this was a good one. And 2010 was the year that I finally realized this is exactly what I want to be when I grow up. A chef. 

I have met so so so many wonderful people through school, work, and even the Internet. I have discovered that the support from my old friends through this crazy time is more motivation than I ever thought possible. I have found that even when I fall off the face of the planet for a year, the people who love me are still there and giving me pictures of Justin Bieber's crotch for Christmas. True story.

I have fought to hold on to the relationship with the boy through all of my late nights and moodiness and general unpleasantness that is me at all times; to find and us that includes the new me. Just last night I got a text that said he got food to make breakfast in the morning and to wake him up when I got home for a back rub. I melted, right then and there, in the 32 degree walk-in. We are going to be OK.

We brought Neil Catrick Harris into our home, changing the dynamic of our house in a way that has me wondering how we ever lived without that little shit. 

I have cut myself, fallen down the stairs, burned myself, and abused my body in the name of my career more than any other time in my life. And I have never felt better. (Other than the 2nd degree burn on my arm. Oh, bacon grease.)

I have learned to trust my instincts, not to be afraid of spontaneity. Just a few days ago, I walked into a salon I have never been in and told them to cut off my hair. It is the best haircut I have had in 5 years. Over thinking things gets me in trouble.

In 2011, I graduate from culinary school and I turn 30. And I can't fucking wait to see what else the new year brings.

Happy New Year Everyone. Stay Safe. Be Happy. And drink some champagne for me. Or a lot of champagne for me. Yeah, that one. A lot of champagne.

Merry Christmas Boys!

I would show you a picture of Neil with his present, but it was catnip and he is high as balls and won't come out. And, yes, Kobi is wearing a hoodie. Stop judging me. He gets cold.

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Why all churches should ban me

The boy and I finished up Christmas shopping early and headed to our local favorite cuban restaurant for some Dos Equis before meeting my dad for Christmas Eve service at his church. Don't worry, I invited my Dad.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday full of laughs and inappropriate stops at the bar.

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Letter to Myself

Dear Erratic,

NEVER EVER EVER take on 30 posts of anything, because 15 posts in you will want to kill yourself and everyone around you. Mass murder is never the answer.

Also, don't be so hard on yourself. Because, you know, you are. Stop it.

And for the love of god, IF YOU HEAR SARAH MCLAUGHLIN, CHANGE THE CHANNEL. You cannot own anymore animals before it becomes hoarding. 

Kisses!

Also Erratic

Rainbows and shit.

Heh. Today was change, right? This is change:

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/12/22/dadt.repeal.crowd/

Things like this happen and my heart is in my throat. My eyes well up and I just want to scream. A part of me wants to roll my eyes; we should have been here years ago. The other part of me is so happy that we are here. Call Obama a socialist, fine. I don't fucking care.

I am sure that people said horrible things about Lincoln. And Woodrow Wilson. 

One day we will figure it out. One day we will realize that no human being deserves to be less than any other. One day we will figure out that every single human being in this world is worthy of equality. No exceptions.

Change

Change is hard. And to list something I want to change about myself is even harder, because my instinct is always to say EVERY SINGLE THING. Not that I don't love who I am, but who doesn't see a bigger better version of themselves? I want to get better at balancing my life, I am never home, never see the boy. I need to figure out a way to have an awesome career and have time for him. But, that isn't even possible until I graduate from school. 

I want to work out every day. My job is a pretty big workout on it's own, but I want to do more. I forgot the feeling of that physical exertion and how good it feels. My lazy desk days are over and I don't want to go back.

Most of all, though, I want to not be scared to change. I spent so many years stagnant. I want to be able to make huge decisions and quit my job and go to culinary school and not have 412 panic attacks in the process. 

So, while change sucks, it is also exciting and I need to remember that it doesn't always have to suck.

Bradshaw!

I met Bradshaw today. I can't link to her blog because I am posting this from my phone, but if you don't know who I am talking about, you really haven't been paying attention.

It was pretty awesome. There was beer and laughs and random scarf attacks. I was SO scared it would be awkward and that was the last thing it was, not counting the normal amount of awkward I bring to any situation. I had fun, a lot of fun. Two and a half hours went by before I even knew it. I am so happy we decided to have lunch!

Also...she made me miss St. Louis. And I now require that she come to Ohio to visit me immediately. I am high maintenance like that.

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Testing

I installed an app for my phone so I can blog anywhere! Anytime! This may be exciting only to me because I have been drinking alone in the airport. Airports are boring. So, you know, testing and shit.

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Raise this, bitch.

I got a raise! I got a raise!

I had my first review at the new restaurant and it was a really, really good review. I have potential and what it takes to make it in this industry, apparently. I think I needed to hear those words because I almost cried when he said them! I am a hot mess, people. Hot mess. It's lack of sleep. Please note the posting time.

A lot of the conversation about the review was about my attitude and how I need to lose it. I was called moody and unpredictable. I laughed. Out loud. Probably not boding well for me changing my attitude. I mean, you guys know by now that I am a crazy person, right? That I am pretty negative, right? Well, apparently positivity is in the cards for 2011. Psht. We'll see. I am going to try out over the top positivity. Like, OVER THE TOP. I have been toying with it for a week or so, since I was told I was positively negative. There is a lot of dramatic smiles and frantic waving. I am bringing in the over the top compliments when I return from vacation. And the voice goes up an octave. Good times for all.

So...long story short, I had a good day. And I got a 10% raise to go with it. 

I will be out of town for the weekend, so I am going to be MIA. I know, you are all holding your breath waiting for the conclusion to the 30 posts of truth that lasted 412 years. I'm sorry. Please don't let the suspense kill you.

Pregnancy

I think I might someday want children. I do. But, I am not ready. My life is too chaotic and I am still far too selfish to give everything to a child, the way that I should.

Having said that, if I found out I was pregnant, I would keep the baby. I would do my best to be the best damn mom I can be. I would love that child more than anything. 

Everyone always says that you are never ready to have children, but I don't believe that to be true. I believe I am capable of raising a child, but I think that in a few years I would be much better at it. In the meantime, I am going to actively prevent pregnancy until I feel that time has come.

What's the best thing going for you right now?

School. Hands down, school. I feel like I have finally found my direction and am headed towards the career I was meant to have. Whatever that may be. 

I have a lot of good things going for me, though. I have amazing friends and family. The boy has been incredibly supportive through this whole life change. I have three evil pets that I love dearly. A home over my head, a car to drive, my health. You name it. Things are pretty damn good right now. And picking one of those things isn't fair. I guess the newest thing, the thing that I haven't had for years is school and my culinary career. 

Have I ever thought about giving up on life?

No. Never. Not even for a second. I have, however, wondered what my funeral would be like, but doesn't everyone do that? 

Here's the thing...my life has never been so bad that I have considered suicide. Shitty things have happened to me, things I still deal with today. But, never so shitty I felt I couldn't go on. The ONLY way that I would consider suicide was if I was terminally ill. I think that everyone would consider that, though. Even in that situation, I am not sure I could go through with it. 

These posts keep getting shorter and shorter. I apologize. But, dammit, I am going to finish this bull shit! Just, you know, half-heartedly.

Why I think I am alive today.

I skipped the playlist one because, frankly, I don't care. I couldn't think of someone I could make a playlist for because NONE of my friends have the same taste in music that I do, so they would hate every playlist I put together. And I just didn't feel like doing it. And it's my blog and I'll skip if I want to. Yes, this just turned into a temper tantrum.

So, I am alive today because I am alive today. I mean, this is just a stupid question. I have never considered suicide or been close to death in anyway. I have been sick enough to wish I was dead a few times, but not seriously. So, reasons I am still alive.

1. I have not been hit by a bus.
2. Aliens did not abduct me and things did not go horribly wrong during the anal probing.
3. I did not become a suicide bomber.
4. I did not trip and impale myself on anything.
5. I did not strangle myself a little too hard during sex.
6. There was someone there willing to shove the needle into my heart (yeah, Pulp Fiction)
7. I did not get gunned down at a toll booth (yes, now I am just stealing from movies)
8. Snape didn't cast the killing curse on me.
9. I did not run upstairs instead of out of the house when the call came from inside the house.
10. I'm not dead

Something I wish I had done

Easy. Travel. I wish I had gone to Europe and South America and India and Canada. I know I still have time and I plan to make this happen. It just seemed so much easier 10 years ago when I had no responsibilities. No mortgage or pets or bills. So, yeah. Shortest blog post ever.

Something I wish I hadn't done

This is bitter sweet for me. I have always wished that I didn't drop out of Ohio State when I was 18. I have always wished that I followed that through and got my degree in criminal psychology. However...I am not sure where that would have led me and it is hard to wish away the life I have now. I was young and stupid and way more into smoking weed than I was college. 

But, I am happy with my life. I am happy that I am just months away from graduating from culinary school. I am happy that I am becoming a chef. If I had graduated from Ohio State with a degree in criminal psychology...I would be working for the police force in some way. A very far cry from what I am doing now. And much less of a good fit. A fascination with serial killers does not a cop make. Yes, I just said that.

I think everything happens for a reason. I think that I was lost and lacking ambition for a reason. It led me to work my ass off for the man for years, realizing that I do not ever want to work for a corporation again. It led me to culinary school, to my locally owned, locally operated organic restaurant. It led me to find satisfaction in a career I never expected.

So, while that is probably my biggest regret, I think it was also one of the best things to ever happen to me. 

Car Accident

Those of you that have been reading along with everyone who is doing this little game, I am going to say about the same thing.

My best friend gets in a car accident, but we got in a fight an hour before it. What do I do?

I go to the hospital. I sit by my friend's bedside. I cry. I apologize. I hug them. I love them. I bring flowers and stuffed animals and balloons and trashy magazines and crossword puzzles. 

The thing is, the fight was one moment in what is likely years of friendship. It was one disagreement. It doesn't define or change anything. That would be stupid. And if it was that kind of fight? A fight that you can't come back from, my answer is the same. You see your friend through this and you revisit the issue. If you still can't come back from it, you part ways. But, you never ever ever ever ever EVER walk away when someone you love needs you. 

On a totally unrelated note, why do all military personnel want to be on Wheel of Fortune? I mean, statistically speaking, there are a lot more military personnel than any other occupation. This baffles me. 

Drugs and Alcohol

Am I the only one who is moderately sick of this 30 days of truth thing? Because I am. I feel like I haven't said anything all that real in, well, 30 posts. Which is the opposite of what is supposed to happen, right? On to the next...

I don't really care about drugs and alcohol. I mean, as far as people using either. I don't care. Do it, don't do it. I drink. I have dabbled in drugs in the past, but am pretty much an alcohol only girl these days. I can only handle one vice at a time, people. And I already have alcohol AND butter. I think that anything in excess is dangerous, but I also think that each person is different. There are people who drink every single day and are functioning members of society. I think once you stop functioning you should seek help. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can't do. They only have the right to choose to be a part of your life or not. 

Drugs and alcohol aren't bad. People are bad. I understand that addiction is a disease, but each and every person with that disease chose to use for the first time. And they choose to relapse. They are choices. This is kind of a fucked up view, especially since I know people who I truly believe can't help themselves. Life is made up of the choices we make. Things don't just happen to us, we make them happen. Or allow them to continue to happen. Will power sucks. I don't have much of it, admittedly, and I deal with the consequences of it. It is this knowledge, and a lack of desire, that has kept me from ever touching "hard" drugs. 

On the flip side of that, I know people who use cocaine recreationally. Let's be honest, the restaurant industry is fueled on cocaine and caffeine. I will always be the person downing cup after cup of coffee and never be the person doing lines in the bathroom. That's my choice.

I know that it is an apathetic take on drugs and a year ago, I probably would have felt differently. But, the bottom line is that drugs are going to happen and as long as it isn't affecting me or putting me in danger, I could care less what the people around me are doing.

Religion and Politics

These are two fairly safe, unemotional subjects, right? Jeesh.

I admire people who are capable of blind faith. I am not one of them. I am a see it and believe it kind of person. I don't trust easily and I don't believe anything unless I have some facts to back it up. I have no problem with the concept of religion, but I have a very serious problem with the things that are often done in the name of religion. My father belongs to a non-denominational church that performs commitment ceremonies. They are very liberal and I feel very comfortable there. I support their charities and am more than willing to go to church services with him, despite not believing in God. I think that religion can do so much good, that it can bring people together in a way few other things can. I just wish that people wouldn't take it too far. That they would make it an important aspect of their lives instead of an all consuming obsession. I wish that people who had faith could see their God(s) as benevolent and loving, not condemning and hateful.

I think politics are linked to religion in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Separation of church and state has long been forgotten. I enjoy politics and the political process. I think that most of this country is apathetic and unaware of what is going on around them, myself included. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I am not going to go into much more detail because this could be the longest post ever.

Vote. Be a part of the process. It is important.

Gay Marriage

I think that it is extremely rude to think that I have any right to say who can and cannot get married. I don't have that right and either does anyone else. If two consenting adults want to get married, so be it. If those same two people want to have children, they should have children. If they want to adopt a child that needs a home, they are better people than I am. If they want the ability to make decisions regarding every member of their family, they should be allowed to do that. They should get health insurance and baby albums and anniversaries. 

I don't really understand who the fuck people think they are telling someone they love the wrong person. I am not saying that people do not have the right to disagree with some one's lifestyle. They have the right to live the lifestyle they want with whomever they want. End of story. Judge people, fine. Think that homosexuality is wrong. Whatever. But, what happens when we go too far? What happens when it's not just gay marriage, but interracial marriage? Remember when that was illegal? 

Two men or two women getting married hurts nobody. Absolutely nobody. So, what the fuck is the problem?

A book I read that changed my view on something

Before I talk about the book, I would like to say that I am having a shitty shit day. I slept like crap last night, so I am tired. Then in my kitchen lab, I picked up a screaming hot sauce pan that somebody set down without the courteous towel on handle to indicate it was hot. It ripped all of the skin off my fingers on my right hand. And blistered. All of the blisters popped during my shift at work. It was awesome. THEN I had yet another allergy to yet another chemical at work, and my hands are covered in hives and look like I had hand transplants from the stay puff marshmallow man. I am buying stock in fucking hydro-cortisone and benadryl anti-itch spray. BITTER, PARTY OF ONE.

Anywho...the book. The Unhealthy Truth. I was raised in a fairly healthy household. With a diabetic sister, I still to this day rarely eat a meal that does not contain a starch, protein, and vegetable. I skimp on fruit, admittedly, but usually get that in the form of smoothies at work. I get the food pyramid and I get how to eat a balanced diet. I often choose not to use this knowledge, but I contain the knowledge. Someone recommended this book to me and I read it on a whim. It lead me to Michael Pollan's books and an entirely new view of food.

I am not going to preach to you. I would be extremely frustrated with someone trying to shove this information down my throat too. I will just say one thing - the single most important factor to our own health is the food that we eat, good or bad. Isn't it important to know where this food comes from? I think that it is.

So, check out the book or don't. It is geared more towards mothers, but the information is sound. If you aren't a mom and are still interested, start with Michael Pollan. He has some pretty damn good things to say too.