Thursday, January 26, 2012

I'm getting all Emo up in here.

Sometimes I feel so alone it hurts. Which is ridiculous because I am surrounded by love.

But, sometimes it just feels like me. Sitting out there, dealing with my shit. I feel like I should have my own twitter feed that just explains everything I am doing when I am doing it. And then another one to apologize later.

I want to just say. Everything. To just put it the fuck out there. Like here. Here it is. Here is everything I can't say. Here is everything about me that I never want anyone to know.

But I can't. That's not really what we do, as a society. 

I feel like most of the time I am pretty honest. I throw my shit in the air and feel sorry for whoever catches it.

But, sometimes I get like this. It is probably the Prednisone. It is probably my natural ability to over think every single fucking thing in my life.

I try so hard not to project this crazy on people. I really do.

But, sometimes I need people to just say I love you. To just tell me I am awesome. To just make me feel really, really good. Which is pathetic.

My boss told me today that I have a tendency to say "to be perfectly honest with you." He has some kind of black ops training and said that is a huge indicator of someone lying. Which made me think...I use that phrase when I am uncomfortable with the truth I am telling. I am not lying...just uncomfortable.

I really don't lie. I exaggerate. Fuck yes, I do. I don't lie.

But, sometimes I am uncomfortable with the truth. With me. And, yes, I think I use that phrase in that case.

It  blows my mind that someone who barely knows me sees that.

It in turn terrifies me. Who else sees through me? Who sees these walls I put up? It feels almost like I spend all my time creating a personality for myself that hides who I actually am perfectly. Yet, sometimes it feels like the people who know me, who truly know me, know me so well it terrifies me.

Isn't everyones secret insecurity that if anyone truly knew them, truly knew everything about them, that they would be hated by everyone? If someone could sit next to me and read my mind for a month straight, they would despise everything I am?

My mom had this needle point framed in our bathroom growing said, "I like me. I like me. Being what no one else can be. I like me."

That phrase just flows through my mind every time I get like this. It makes me thing, fuck. Nobody else is going to love you like YOU love you. But, nobody else is going to hate you like you hate you either. 


Krackle said...

I love you and you are awesome. You really are. You have balls I will never have and you have strength I will never have. You rock my world and don't forget it.

Krackle said...

oh, and for the record - I thought the title of you post was "I'm getting all Elmo up in here" until just now. I was thinking...what does this have to do with Elmo? Then I realized, I am around kids way too much.

Big Jed said...

First, I think the drugs are fucking with you big time.

Second, I have also felt that if someone knew everything about me and every thought that went through my head they would hate me.

I love you. There is never judgement regardless of what you say. Because I know I will get the same in return.

Anonymous said...

I would also like to say I LOVE YOU and that I agree with Big Jed that the drugs are really fucking with you...damn Prednisone! <3 Nye

Mrs. Case said...

My dad says the same thing about when people say something akin to, "To be honest." His rationale is, "Well, I assumed you were going to be honest but now you have given me an element of doubt by specifying that THIS time you are going to be honest." LOL. Just be you. :) And I concur in EVERY respect that telling the truth is HARD!