Frustration times a million.

I need to rant. And I don't really have anywhere else to do it because everyone I know has nice normal lives and are busy living them. And I don't want to ruin someone else's Saturday.

When I got my new job, while I was thrilled, I had some hesitation. The person who got me the job was someone I cut out of my life 6 or so years ago. I had recently just started talking to him again and made it very clear that our new relationship needed boundaries. Lots and lots of boundaries. Then I started working with him. And slowly but surely, those boundaries are becoming blurred. Late night drunk phone calls, asking me to constantly come over for dinner, and the latest, watching his cats while he was on vacation.

He was supposed to be back on Wednesday. He is still not back. So, I went over there yesterday to feed them and scoop the litter box. Well, his cockroaches are back. And I am not sure I have ever talked about this, but I have a paralyzing fear of bugs. I can't help it. I realize it is irrational. I realize that it makes me a complete fucking chicken shit. I can't help it. I start to panic, hyperventilate, sob uncontrollably. I can't help it. So, I quickly refilled their food and water and got out of there.

I called Krackle bawling. I didn't know what to do. The cats were covered in mats, because he doesn't brush them enough. They live in a basement with no beds, no carpeting. Nothing. The whole situation just broke my heart. Krackle works with the only other person stupid enough to still have this person in his life. He called me and I begged him to watch them until this other friend got back. 

He said he would go pick them up, but under no circumstances was he spending time in that bug infested house. I agreed because nobody had any idea when they would be home. We spent last night making arrangements to get all the necessary supplies together and even discussed the boy going over and bombing their house because the cats would be out.

Cut to this morning. I get a phone from a total stranger asking me not to move the cats, that they will be home tomorrow. Apparently I have pissed him off so much, he can't even talk to me. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHERE I DID SOMETHING WRONG. 

I am so annoyed because somehow, and this is his superpower, the reason I wanted him out of my life in the first place, a situation that he completely created and fucked me over with has made me feel bad. He has managed to get to me. Again. I am smarter than this. I KNOW this is what he does. Yet, here I am worrying that I have upset him and his husband. Worrying that I overreacted. 

And I can't just walk away because I work with him every single day. Do I walk away from a job that I absolutely adore? Because I am seriously thinking about it. I want out. I want to be done. Surely, I can stop answering his phone calls. Be curt in passing at work. But, we are a kitchen of 5. You bring in that kind of tension and suddenly, the kitchen doesn't work anymore and I am the reason. 

I don't know what to do. This is the second time in two days I have been in tears over this situation and I am just so angry. All of my actions were out of love for those two poor cats. I feel terrible about the way I left them. 

I have managed to get myself into an impossible situation with no way out. Again. With him. And I think the only answer is to start looking for a new job.