Boring...Please still love me.

1. I just spent the better part of  my night trying to figure out how to merge traditional BBQ flavors with traditional Mexican flavors. (Traditional Mexican meaning allspice, cinnamon, coriander, and so on.) This is either going to be brilliant or a complete disaster. I really can't decide because traditional Mexican is a new thing I am exploring. AND I am doing this for the entire staff of my work. So, you know, people who know NOTHING about food. Why do I do this shit? I am so nervous.
2. So....my cousin married someone with my same first name. And we have the same last name. I feel like I have talked about this here before, but if not, well, there are two of me actively in my life. And, you guys, IT IS SO CONFUSING. On Facebook people like my comments on her posts when it is clearly obvious that they think I am her. Pinterest...I confuse myself with her constantly. Like, wait, I don't remember pinning that...oh...right. Not me. I need a new name.
3. I AM DONE WITH PREDNISONE! I AM DONE WITH PREDNISONE! I slept for like a gazillion hours yesterday. They sent me home from work because I was pale and possibly hallucinating from lack of sleep. It was bad. I also vomited for no reason other than, hey, vomit. Good times.
4. I ran 1.37 miles today. I realize that to most people this is not that much...but it is the beginning. I will conquer the fat roll.
5. On a related note, the boy is counting calories and this is the opposite of everything that I believe in regarding food and OMG I had to spell quinoa for him. It is a grain that is really good for you, honey. Just trust me, our meals are balanced. I kind of want to make him walk me through Norton every single day and then see how he feels about it.
6. I AM SO SICK OF PLAYING MOUSEY (fetch with the mother fucking cat) WITH THE MOTHER FUCKING CAT. Put the fucking mouse somewhere near me and stop trying to kill me when I ignore you. !#@$@#$!@.
7. And...political. Susan G Komen Foundation removed their funding from Planned Parenthood. I wrote an entire diatribe about my feelings on this, but it doesn't really matter. You agree or you don't. I don't.
8. The following Facebook status will ALWAYS make me want to stab you; "I am so busy. Look at all I am doing. And then I am doing more. Do you feel bad about yourself? You should. Because I am ALSO DOING THIS. I know, I know, everyone is busy, but so am I! So busy! LOOK AT WHAT I AM DOING." Go fuck yourself. This applies only if your status is more than one sentence. If you accomplish this in on sentence, I deserve to feel like shit.
9. I miss you guys. The last two-ish weeks are kind of a blur of medicated insanity. I feel so out of touch.
10. This may be the most boring 10 random things ever. My bad. I promise to be more amusing in the future.

I needed that laugh.

I am done with prednisone. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. I feel like a freight train hit me full speed and just left me on the side of the tracks. I think it is official...the next time someone tries to prescribe me prednisone, I am flat out refusing it. Three more days.

Anywho...that is not at all what this blog post is about. This is about my addiction to Pinterest and how at 5:30 this morning when I finally gave up on trying to sleep, this picture made me laugh so hard I cried. 

I thought maybe I wasn't the only one who needed this laugh. Hopefully you have all seen the SNL sketch. If not, well, here you go.

You're welcome.

I'm getting all Emo up in here.

Sometimes I feel so alone it hurts. Which is ridiculous because I am surrounded by love.

But, sometimes it just feels like me. Sitting out there, dealing with my shit. I feel like I should have my own twitter feed that just explains everything I am doing when I am doing it. And then another one to apologize later.

I want to just say. Everything. To just put it the fuck out there. Like here. Here it is. Here is everything I can't say. Here is everything about me that I never want anyone to know.

But I can't. That's not really what we do, as a society. 

I feel like most of the time I am pretty honest. I throw my shit in the air and feel sorry for whoever catches it.

But, sometimes I get like this. It is probably the Prednisone. It is probably my natural ability to over think every single fucking thing in my life.

I try so hard not to project this crazy on people. I really do.

But, sometimes I need people to just say I love you. To just tell me I am awesome. To just make me feel really, really good. Which is pathetic.

My boss told me today that I have a tendency to say "to be perfectly honest with you." He has some kind of black ops training and said that is a huge indicator of someone lying. Which made me think...I use that phrase when I am uncomfortable with the truth I am telling. I am not lying...just uncomfortable.

I really don't lie. I exaggerate. Fuck yes, I do. I don't lie.

But, sometimes I am uncomfortable with the truth. With me. And, yes, I think I use that phrase in that case.

It  blows my mind that someone who barely knows me sees that.

It in turn terrifies me. Who else sees through me? Who sees these walls I put up? It feels almost like I spend all my time creating a personality for myself that hides who I actually am perfectly. Yet, sometimes it feels like the people who know me, who truly know me, know me so well it terrifies me.

Isn't everyones secret insecurity that if anyone truly knew them, truly knew everything about them, that they would be hated by everyone? If someone could sit next to me and read my mind for a month straight, they would despise everything I am?

My mom had this needle point framed in our bathroom growing up...it said, "I like me. I like me. Being what no one else can be. I like me."

That phrase just flows through my mind every time I get like this. It makes me thing, fuck. Nobody else is going to love you like YOU love you. But, nobody else is going to hate you like you hate you either. 

This probably makes no sense unless you too are on steroids.

I despise being on Prednisone. Due to my back problems, this is not my first rodeo. I always fight the doctor when they say, oh, Prednisone is the answer to your problems. No, I say. It's not. It turns me into a 12-headed monster with no self control. At all.

Yesterday, I had an entire blog post typed up. I decided not to post it right away because I had consumed some wine and on top of the drugs, though it best to see the post in the light of day. I read it today. It was terrible. It made no sense. It sounded like a schizophrenic giraffe with three legs wrote it. If you had read it, well, the legless giraffe would make sense.

I then had to hold back tears because I was unable to communicate with people anymore and should just go ahead and become a hermit with lots of cats that will eat me when I fall down the stairs and die. BECAUSE I AM REASONABLE.

I am exhausted, because Prednisone takes my insomnia and forces it to do lines of coke. Or meth. What keeps you up all night? I was scared to google it. So, I am wide awake. Except, I am exhausted. Oh, and Prednisone makes me anxious. So....right. I am sure you can imagine what having a conversation with me is like right now. Schizophrenic giraffe with three legs anyone?

On top of all of these lovely symptoms, somebody at some point (probably while my insomnia was doing coke AND meth) hit me in the lower back with a 2 X 4. Wheeee. It literally feels like I have a giant, wood shaped bruise on my back. Haha. Not THAT kind of wood. 

I came home from work today, took off my chef coat and pants and crawled into bed for TWO HOURS and watched Kim Kardashian's life unravel while cuddling with the pets. I also may have repinned everything on Pinterest ever. The entire time I kept thinking how completely worthless I am and how I should just clean the house because nobody loves me. Seriously, you guys, THIS IS WHY I HATE PREDNISONE.

I finally dragged my ass out of bed and put on pants and a hoodie and came downstairs to make myself dinner. There were only enough leftovers for one of us, so I left those for the boy. I am currently roasting brussells sprouts and cooking brown rice. Because, you know, those two things go together. I also had some muenster cheese. And may or may not be contemplating putting some jack in my sleepy time tea.

I hate the feeling of being a prisoner in my own head. I know I am being unreasonable. I know that it is the drugs and that I don't actually feel these things. I know all of this. But, it doesn't matter. I feel them just as if they were real. Yes, I have suffered from depression and while similar, this is different. More manic. More unrealistic. 

I was reading the side effects and they list difficulty sleeping (check), dizziness (check), flushing, nervousness (check), increased appetite (check), increased sweating, indigestion (check), or nausea (check.) 

So, I am going to crawl in a hole for the next 6 days while I work through all of this shit. The boy is currently seeking alternate places to live until the crazy stops.

Hives and why I should not be allowed on the internet unsupervised.

I have very sensitive skin. I often just break out in a blotchy rash for no reason. At least no reason that I can figure out. 

I often get hives as well. I also have allergy induced asthma, which can cause me to wheeze when I am around cats, dogs, and excessive amounts of dust. Yes, I realize I have a dog, a cat, and dust. So, sometimes random hives are normal.

Friday, when I looked down to see my hands covered in hives, I thought nothing of it. This happens. It's normal. Except they didn't go away after an hour or so like normal. In fact, I still have them today.

Now. The only thing that I did differently than normal was pit olives that were in brine. And I wore gloves for an excessive amount of time. My hands have also been ridiculously dry lately, and sometimes that can cause them to become irritated. But, nothing like this.

So...I start googling. This is my answer to all medical problems. Also the reason for my neurosis. All of a sudden, there were all these websites in front of me saying OMG YOU HAVE SCABIES. TINY BUGS ARE LAYING EGGS UNDER YOUR SKIN AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. 

Shut laptop, go to urgent care. $90 later (yay for lack of health insurance) and I had an allergic reaction to something. We think olive brine. Which is a very long story that is not important. 

I go to the local pharmacy and get my prescription for Prednisone filled. I hate being on prednisone. It makes me BAT SHIT crazy. Crying, yelling, shoveling food in my mouth so fast I can't swallow...yeah. It's going to be a fun 9 days. The boy is going on vacation. 

So, the pharmacist signals that I am ready and she says that I should start taking it tonight since I am clearly having such a bad reaction. Now. The hives are on my hands, which are buried in the sleeves of my hoodie. She can't even SEE the area of my body where I am having a reaction. I sputtered something out and walked away. 

Then I think...wait, she thought the allergic reaction was happening on MY FACE. Which had no reaction. I think I have mentioned here that my face is always red. Like, always. And I have kind of a round, chubby face anyway. So, I am pretty sure she took the natural roundness of my face and the natural redness of my skin and assumed I was having an allergic reaction on my face. Awesome. Thanks for the self esteem boost, bitch.

Of course I had 100 comebacks as soon as I walked out, but I just bowed my head in shame and walked out. Because, you guys, I don't think it looks like I am having an allergic reaction on my face 24/7. Well, at least I didn't. 

Restaurant Week Day 6

Mock Ruben. Housemade corned beef with braised red cabbage.

Superior, Judgmental me.

I work with a woman who has the smallest carbon footprint of anyone I have ever met. Probably smaller than most of our country, aside from those that are able to live out of the way and provide their own electricity and such. I wish I had the dedication to be that kind of person.

This woman does not have a cell phone. She buys only local, organic products. She makes her own soap. She is one of the only people I have ever met that is a TRUE Vegan. She uses no animal products. None. Even her make up. I asked.

She drives an electric car. She lives in the city and shops only at places she can walk to. She is a yoga teacher. 

This woman is obnoxiously Vegan. But, in a good way. In a way that I admire. So often people say they are Vegan but wear leather. Or use soap with animal products. Or make up. Or shampoo. It is truly a lifestyle that requires a lot of work to change to. And I admire the work she has put in.

In her previous life, she was a drug addict and an alcoholic. She got clean and she overhauled her life. It is honorable.

People like this humble me. I try so hard to live a lifestyle that I feel is right and good and responsible. I don't buy process foods, with very few exceptions. Pasta being one of them. I just don't have the energy to make pasta every time I need it. Bread is another for similar reasons.

We take grocery bags to the store. We shop locally when possible. Organic when we can afford it. 

We both refuse to work for "the man" and work for locally owned and run businesses. 

We want to move downtown, where we both work, and eliminate one car. I would love to ride my bike to work. I would also love to own a bike. Baby steps.

It never feels like enough. When I meet people like this woman, I just feel like a sham. Like a Vegan who wears leather. And I understand that doing what I can is something. It is a start. But it is frustrating that it is so expensive to do, what I believe to be, the right thing. It costs gas to drive to local butchers, because there are none in the city. It costs gas to drive to local grocery stores, because, again, there are none in the city. Farmers markets are awesome if you can afford them. Mostly, we can't. Anyone who thinks they are cheaper is wrong. Unless, once again, you load up the car and head to the country.

She doesn't have a cell phone. Or cable television. I doubt she even owns a television, to be honest. 

I own a cell phone. I have cable. I watch more television than I am willing to admit here. I can't afford an electric car. I can't afford to live in the city, where I can walk or ride a bike everywhere. I can't afford to buy reusable zip lock bags (totally just discovered these existed.) I can't afford to replace our windows which are about the equivalent to duct taped plastic at this point.

Doing what I can is enough because it has to be. I am choosing a lifestyle where there are only so many sacrifices I am willing to make. Which, essentially, is what's wrong with this country, right? We are selfish. We are spoiled. We are not willing to do without for the sake of the overall good of this world. 

I went to Sam's Club today to stock up on the wasteful American things I am not willing to go without. Paper towels (although we use cloth napkins. What? How awesome am I?), toilet paper, simple green, tissues, zip lock baggies, etc. So, I am walking through the store in my usual daze, paying zero attention to the people around me. And I see this couple with a brand new baby. They are arguing about fruit juice and I find myself judging them because the brand they choose is essentially just sugar water. I glanced at their cart. Chips, soda, cereal, frozen, processed food. It was literally all empty calories. There was nothing at all of nutritional value. We went through the checkout together and walked out together. They got into a Ford F150. For the sake of my argument, I looked up the gas mileage. 13/mpg.

I see things like that all the time. A part of me feels bad for them, because they probably don't know. Or can't afford any different. We've all had weeks where all we could afford was Ramen Noodles. But, mostly, they probably don't care. That food tastes good. It is easy to make. And that makes me a little angry. And there are reasons to own a pick up. Certainly. I don't know their situation.

This puts me somewhere in the middle, I suppose. I am not the perfect Vegan (nor would I ever be Vegan, but you know what I mean) nor am I oblivious to the repercussions of the choices I make. As I sit with my laptop on my lap, my iPhone inches away from me, my flat screen TV on and my kindle a few feet away, I realize I am just as bad. I am just as wasteful. And I really don't have any room to judge anyone.  But, I know I will. I know I will look at the people with nothing but processed food and soda in their cart, and I will feel sorry for them. 

I know I have no right to. I know that I am not superior to anyone because we all make our choices for a reason. But, I just can't help feel a little bit better about myself as I explain to the cashier that, no, in fact Kale is not the same thing as Spinach. And, yes, ma'am, all I am buying is produce, eggs, and milk.

Restaurant Week Day 5

Lamb Bacon Fritters with Spinach Salad and Pumpkin Vinaigrette (only the fritters on this dish are mine)

We need a portable kitchen sink.

After a long day of cooking, I did not want to come home and cook dinner, so we ordered Chinese. The following shenanigans ensued.

(sitting under a blanket on the couch) "I am freezing. But I want a drink. Will you make me a drink?"

"Nope. It's your fault it's cold, you keep the house too cold."

"I keep the house below the temperature in which germs flourish. It is healthier to keep the house this cold."

"That's what you say"

"No, that is actually true."

"I will bring you everything you need to make a drink to the couch so you don't have to get up."

"You realize it will just be easier to make the drink, right? Because I need the kitchen sink. Are you going to bring me the kitchen sink?"

"Yep."

"OK. Deal. You bring me the kitchen sink, I will make my own drink."

"You are so mean to me. I went and picked up dinner for you, I do the dishes for you."

"Running into the delivery guy on the front porch is not picking up dinner. That is basically just answering the door."

"Nope. I picked it up," he says as he sets the drink next to me.

OK. You win. You picked up dinner. Cheers.

Restaurant Week Day 4

Asian Meatloaf with Hoison Gravy and Sweet Potato Mash

Restaurant Week Day 3

Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwich.

Restaurant Week Day 2

Bacon and Blue Mac and Cheese.

Disclaimer

The restaurant week posts are menu items I have created, but not specifically for restaurant week. Except the first one, the beet salad is on our restaurant week menu. Just a little showcase of me while I am too busy to post here. 

Restaurant Week Day 1

Beet and daikon salad with yellow pepper vinaigrette.

Get it first here: Erratic lost her shit. Oh, wait...that's not news.

I feel like all I do is rant. I hope you all don't mind. Because I am about to do it again. Can we say instead of ranting I go on an angry tirade? I like that word.

I HATE when people go off about shit they know nothing about. A friend of mine on Facebook, not a real life friend, posted some FDA warning that she saw at a fast food restaurant that rhymes with DickDonalds. The warning basically said that eating their food would kill you. Well, duh.

First of all, she was SHOCKED by this information, which made me both sad and angry. That is another rant about knowing what you are putting in your body and understanding what it does to you. Gah! 

Second of all, someone replied and said that anytime you grill something, the char that is on the meat or vegetable or whatever can cause cancer. And...my brain explodes. OK. Let's be realistic here. There are tons of things that can cause cancer in large amounts in lab rats. Or mice. Or whatever. People have been "charring" food forever. Literally. FOREVER. That is NOT the same as what DickDonalds is doing. It's just not. That is not even, really, food. By definition, it is edible. But, it is not "food" as you and I would understand it. 

It is certainly not ground up chicken breast, battered, and fried in their chicken nuggets. 

I am getting off point...the point is, I hate when people say shit for the shock value. When they go for the "OMG, I HAD NO IDEA, THAT IS TERRIBLE" reaction unless they know what the fuck they are talking about. 

Two educated people disagreeing is one thing. But, for someone to say that you cannot char foods because it causes cancer is flat out ridiculous. Even more ridiculous? The post blew up with people being shocked and swearing off grilling. 

And those people are also going to walk into my restaurant and want their fucking steak baked because the char marks are going to kill them.

Also, there is a difference between an intolerance and an allergy and GOD DAMMIT DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY JUST INTOLERANT OF SOMETHING. Or heaven forbid you just don't like it. I will respect it either way. But, an allergy is like walking into an ER and calling code red. We stop and wash everything, change our pans, our tongs, our gloves, our cutting boards, everything. Nobody wants to watch someone go into anaphylactic shock. But, if you tell me you are allergic to onions and I go to your table and say, well, we have these lily family (onions, garlic, etc) ingredients in our food and maybe you should just have a salad, and you say, well, they just give me gas, I am going to stab you in the throat. 

OK, I won't. But, I will roll my eyes and just walk away. And be pissed. And rant. And then go on an angry tirade about it on my blog.

Look, if you are at a nice restaurant, we understand food allergies. IT IS OUR JOB. Please just be honest. It is, again, our job to make you happy. 

And...that got off track. I am just going to stop here and hope you all continue reading after this. I may have just lost my shit. Halfway through the post I poured myself a drink. Yeah.

To sum up: Don't lie to servers. We all just want to make you happy. Even if you are picky. Oh, and don't talk shit if you don't have the facts to back it up. Word.

Mr. Belding would totally give me detention for this.

Sometimes when people rave about something, I get annoyed and avoid it on principle. I always end up relenting and loving the thing WAY late when everyone else is over it.

This is not that situation.

Sometimes someone tells me I should do something and I refuse because I can't be bothered or I don't want to deal with it. It just seems like too much work for the reward I will get.

This is also not that situation.

Sometimes I just procrastinate things. There is always tomorrow. Tomorrow Erratic will handle it. Or maybe the day after that.

This is also not that situation.

Sometimes I am just an idiot. And nobody really tells me that I should do something, I just innately know, hey, you should do this. Why haven't you done this? And I just don't do it. It isn't even procrastinating. It is just a complete lack of interest in said thing.

This is totally that situation.

I used a hands free headset on my iPhone for the first time today. No, not the first time on my iPhone. THE FIRST TIME EVER. ON ANY PHONE.

I live in 1998 and someone should just hand me a Zach Morris phone and be done with it.

Usually when I am doing something that requires both hands, I either get off the phone or put the person on speaker phone. It's not like I talk on the phone THAT much. But, I usually talk on the phone in my car which is the WORST place to not use hands-free. 

Today, I was on the phone with Tini and I wanted to walk Short Dog. But I wasn't done talking to Tini. And I knew my energy would fade and I would just procrastinate walking him until the boy came home and he did it. Wait, that isn't procrastination, is it? Hm.

So, I said, hey, I am going to dig out that hands free headset that I CARRY EVERYWHERE WITH ME.

That really is the worst part, isn't it? That it is always with me and I simply can't be bothered to use it. 

I get it out, I plug it in, and voila. Hands free. I walked the dog. I made dinner. I cleaned the bathroom. I dusted the living room. YOU GUYS. It was like having a friend go everywhere with you while you get shit done. LOVED. IT.

I realize that all of you are like, well, yeah. I mean, we have known this since 2004 when everyone else figured it the fuck out. Also, here is your giant flip phone, you idiot. 

I deserve that.

Diet, diet, diet, diet, diet...PINTEREST!

1. Curry is not a thing. It is a spice mix created in England to replicate the flavors in Indian cuisine. There is no dish actually called curry, but rather it is a generic term for Indian food. This bothers me greatly and I had to share. I correct people on this often. Don't mess with my Indian food!
2. The guy with the cats is back. I am choosing to pretend as though he doesn't exist. Maturity is my thing. I have decided, mostly because of you guys and your support, to just stick it out and be curt and have a strictly professional relationship. Next Blog Post: Tales from prison: How I killed the cat guy with a bowl of couscous.
3. I am in a book rut. I need the next big thing, the next Harry Potter or Hunger Games or (cough, vomit) Twilight. I have read a Game of Thrones series too. Help. (ironically, I have not read The Help)
4. I have decided to start making my own facial care products - toner, moisturizer, soap. Now, before you all start complaining about the smell of patchouli...yeah, you should start complaining. I am turning into a giant, giant hippie. On a positive note, I am making SOAP, so I won't be a smelly hippie. On a negative note, I am one homemade shampoo away from starting a commune and gathering followers. I am thinking a lovely beach commune...where we manufacture beeswax because that shit is EXPENSIVE.
5. I have recently come across THREE things that are amazing. The unofficial Harry Potter recipe book, The Unofficial Hunger Games recipe book, and a blog where the writer made a cocktail for all the Harry Potter characters. Now, I ask you, who is coming to the dinner party? Ron sounds delicious.
6. Our basement is finally getting fixed. We decided to gut it (it was VERY poorly finished) and refinish it with the help of one of the guys I work with. So, survey says, is it super cheesy and trashy to do a sports themed room? 
7. I'm bored. Winter bores me. I am going to whine until March. Brace yourselves. 
8. I am hooked on pinterest. You guys should all do it and follow me and then we can share pretty things and food and dorky things. I don't totally understand it yet, but it is a great time killer. See #7.  I just got lost for like an hour pinning pictures of food. Anywho...
9. I am so sick of green tea and water and steamed vegetables. I WANT SODA AND BEER AND FRIED THINGS. Dieting sucks ass. I mean trying to eat healthier. Ugh. I just want beer.
10. I went grocery shopping today and I do my best to bring my own bags (what's that smell? dirty hippie?) Well, today I brought two in and kept getting very strange looks as I was shopping. I always put them in the baby seat in my cart. Cut to the checkout and I start bagging my groceries...I totally brought the "Pet Funeral Services" bag from when Kobi died. Now, I have no issue with this, it's not like the ashes were just poured in the bottom. It is a perfectly good bag to, say, tote things to and from places where people know you. Not so much to be dressed in a chef's uniform at the grocery store. I can't even imagine what people thought.

Frustration times a million.

I need to rant. And I don't really have anywhere else to do it because everyone I know has nice normal lives and are busy living them. And I don't want to ruin someone else's Saturday.

When I got my new job, while I was thrilled, I had some hesitation. The person who got me the job was someone I cut out of my life 6 or so years ago. I had recently just started talking to him again and made it very clear that our new relationship needed boundaries. Lots and lots of boundaries. Then I started working with him. And slowly but surely, those boundaries are becoming blurred. Late night drunk phone calls, asking me to constantly come over for dinner, and the latest, watching his cats while he was on vacation.

He was supposed to be back on Wednesday. He is still not back. So, I went over there yesterday to feed them and scoop the litter box. Well, his cockroaches are back. And I am not sure I have ever talked about this, but I have a paralyzing fear of bugs. I can't help it. I realize it is irrational. I realize that it makes me a complete fucking chicken shit. I can't help it. I start to panic, hyperventilate, sob uncontrollably. I can't help it. So, I quickly refilled their food and water and got out of there.

I called Krackle bawling. I didn't know what to do. The cats were covered in mats, because he doesn't brush them enough. They live in a basement with no beds, no carpeting. Nothing. The whole situation just broke my heart. Krackle works with the only other person stupid enough to still have this person in his life. He called me and I begged him to watch them until this other friend got back. 

He said he would go pick them up, but under no circumstances was he spending time in that bug infested house. I agreed because nobody had any idea when they would be home. We spent last night making arrangements to get all the necessary supplies together and even discussed the boy going over and bombing their house because the cats would be out.

Cut to this morning. I get a phone from a total stranger asking me not to move the cats, that they will be home tomorrow. Apparently I have pissed him off so much, he can't even talk to me. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHERE I DID SOMETHING WRONG. 

I am so annoyed because somehow, and this is his superpower, the reason I wanted him out of my life in the first place, a situation that he completely created and fucked me over with has made me feel bad. He has managed to get to me. Again. I am smarter than this. I KNOW this is what he does. Yet, here I am worrying that I have upset him and his husband. Worrying that I overreacted. 

And I can't just walk away because I work with him every single day. Do I walk away from a job that I absolutely adore? Because I am seriously thinking about it. I want out. I want to be done. Surely, I can stop answering his phone calls. Be curt in passing at work. But, we are a kitchen of 5. You bring in that kind of tension and suddenly, the kitchen doesn't work anymore and I am the reason. 

I don't know what to do. This is the second time in two days I have been in tears over this situation and I am just so angry. All of my actions were out of love for those two poor cats. I feel terrible about the way I left them. 

I have managed to get myself into an impossible situation with no way out. Again. With him. And I think the only answer is to start looking for a new job. 

Zumba: A Review

The boy and I are trying to lose weight and get in shape. We did not mean for it to coordinate with New Years, it just worked out that way.

This involves me drinking less (THE HORROR) and giving up soda completely (ALSO, THE HORROR.) 

I am cooking healthier. This week we have had lentils and brown rice. And salads with every meal. With fresh squeezed lemon and pepper instead of salad dressing. The food has been awesome. It really has. It makes a huge difference cooking healthy when you know how to make it taste good without added calories and fat. 

I miss soda, but I have been drinking tea, which is nice since it has been cold as shit here.

The other thing I am doing is being active every single day in a way that is NOT work. Today I took Short Dog for a mile walk and saw a woman walking a cat. No, that is not a typo. It had a leash.

Yesterday I did Zumba for the first time. Those of you that do not know what Zumba is, it is a latin dance/workout video thing. I haven't gotten past the basics DVD which essentially just walks you through the dance moves.

Now. I am not coordinated. Not at all. You all know this. So, imagine taking me, someone who cannot walk straight, and have them trying to do things like Samba. And other latin dance things. 

It went something like this:

Z: "Now, everybody let's take two steps to the right and clap."

E: "I've got this. Stepping Clapping. Yes."

Z: "Now, lets swing our hips in a circular motion while we step. Don't forget to clap!"

E: " Hips sort of swinging. I look like a little bit like a bee is attacking me, but it's OK. I am doing this!"

Z: "Now let's do that twice as fast, clap, and swing our arms so that we look like we have been a professional dancer for 17 years!"

E: "What happened to the stepping and the clapping? I almost had the hip swinging down! This is so fast! I must look ridiculous! But I am having fun!"

Z: "Now that you have our first step down, only 19 more to go. The next step involves solving world peace while humping the couch!"

E: sobs in corner while slowly moving hips in a circular motion.

Needless to say, day 1 Zumba was a wee bit challenging. However...despite the crippling self doubt and complete and utter thanks for a lack of mirror, I had a lot of fun. I am excited to do it again tomorrow. I have a feeling I will never be good at this, it is something fun that I will enjoy doing while getting fit at the same time.

But...all I want is a beer. Sigh.

Portrait of a Hoarder

Alternate Title: Look! I can use Instagram! (This is probably the only time I will ever use Instagram.)

2011: Holy Fuck, where did it go?

*I had this almost typed up when Josey posted her version, so now I feel like I am stealing from TWO people. Thievery is what it is, I suppose. I also find it kind of funny that we both thought to steal this idea. 

I got this idea from All & Sundry. She does it every year and I have been tempted to follow suit for a long time. It is a good way to do a recap, which seems to be the trend in the blogosphere. Also, my other option was ranting about a terrible new show on Food Network that is making me twitchy. I figured this was more interesting.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you have never done before?

I worked in a real kitchen. I have food on a menu. I have made huge strides in my culinary career.

I went to Orlando (never been before) and went to Universal Studios and had the best day of my life. I can't help it...that was just an amazing, amazing week. Quality time with the boy, feeling like a kid, warm beautiful weather...amazing.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more next year?

No and no. I don't do New Years resolutions. I feel like it is a huge let down. Nobody ever sticks to them. I prefer to just make changes at my own pace. Yes, there are things I am starting this year, but they have nothing to do with a resolution. More with the conclusion of the holiday season.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! So many babies. Krackle, Josey, my friend K who I have never talked about here. Krackle's sister. My cousin's twins. Holy shit, you guys. 2011 was the year of the baby. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Babies Sophia and Avelina. While I was not necessarily close to them in the traditional sense, their deaths changed my world. I am shocked every day by how much I miss something and someone I never even knew.

5. What countries did you visit?

The good old United States. I fail at travel.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

This was such a huge year for me...I graduated college, started my career, turned 30 in the most fabulous of ways, found the perfect job that allowed me to spend more time with the people I love. If 2012 can match 2011, I will be ecstatic.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched in your memory and why?

July 24th - I graduated college. I know I am old and that isn't that serious, but it was important to me to accomplish this before I turned 30.

August 1st - The day that my life changed forever and two friends became much more than I ever imagined.

September 26th - I turned 30 at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Need I say more?

8. What are your biggest achievements of the year?

Graduating. Working. Striving to make a career out of a passion. This year has been the year of food and my life in the culinary world.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn't realize it at the time, but my attempt at working second shift. I alienated a lot of people. I went out too much and created a life I am not proud of. I love the people I met, though. But, I much prefer a life where I am up early enough to spend time with the people I love.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ha! I only attempted to cut off my finger in a meat slicer. The nail that is partially cut through has almost grown out...then I will only have a tiny red scar. It seems odd to me that only that will be left.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I honestly don't know how to answer this...money this year has gone to Neil's surgery, putting down Kobi, a leaky basement, various car ailments...we got a 42 inch TV for the living room for $330. I will go with that. Oh, and vacation. That was money well spent too!

12. Where did most of your money go?

Pets. Always. Fucking pets. I love them so much...I just wish they weren't so expensive.

13.What did you get really excited about?

Graduation. Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Mostly the latter.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Our pastry chef plays a top 40 station in the prep room and the sous chef plays a hard rock station on the line. So, my mornings are spent walking between pop and rock. Curiously, since I don't really like pop, those are the songs that stuck with me the most. 

LMFAO - Sexy and you know it.

PitBull - Give me everything

I have spent the rest of the year in rock listening to Five Finger Death Punch and Mudvayne. 

15. Compared to this time last year, you are...

Happier/Sadder?  Happier. The boy and I are in a better place, my career is in a better place, my relationship with my friends is only getting better...so much happier.

Thinner/Fatter? Fatter. For sure. When I left old job, the craziness of working in high volume went away. Also, I can eat at my new job. These two things combined have not been good for my nonexistent waist line. Shit is going to change. Or at least I keep telling myself.

Richer/Poorer? About the same. Which is poor. I make $11/hr. There is only poor.

16. What do you wish you had done more of?

Read. Write. Exercise. Eat out. Cook. Everything. Isn't that human nature? We always want more of the things we love.

17. What do you wish you had done less of?

I choose not to regret. I can't. It would paralyze me. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?

At a bar with the boy, my grandpa, and my dad playing bingo. We do this every year. My stepmom leaves town, I already do Christmas with my mom the weekend before. It is nice...I enjoy having a relaxing day of just hanging out and relaxing.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Ah! This is so hard. Top Chef will forever be my favorite, but I choose to think in terms of new TV. Once Upon a Time may be my new favorite. I have a weakness for fairy tales. Especially if they contain magic. 

20. What are your favorite books of the year?

Hunger Games

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo Series

Inheritance, the final book in the Eragon series

I read so much it is hard to even remember. Those three really stood out, though.

21. What was your favorite music of the year?

For whatever reason, I fell back in love with Mudvayne. I can't get enough. For months over the summer, it was all I listened to in my car. Now that I don't really have a commute...I listen to far less music. Which is sad.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows II. Hands Down. Winner. Amazing.

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. 

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

The big 3-0. I went to the only place I could truly be a kid...The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Best Day of My Life.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning the lottery? Discovering magic was real? I don't know. This year was pretty bad ass.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

This shit is hilarious. Um. I am currently wearing a "Spock, paper, scissors" T-Shirt and sweatpants. I think this pretty much says it all. 

26. What kept you sane?

The boy. My friends. My family. Alcohol.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

You can't choose your family. Sometimes they are blood relatives and sometimes they aren't. Surrounding yourself with people who make you better, people who make you happier...that is life. That is love. That is everything. You all have given me strength and love and happiness. I couldn't possibly ask for more.