Thursday, April 7, 2011

Guilty

I don't really know how to express what I am feeling right now.

I don't think that any one person has brought on this feeling. I am not sure that anyone has actually made me feel this way, maybe it is just me...but I feel like everyone in my life expects me to go back to a 9 to 5 schedule and proceed as normal. 

I feel so guilty. I feel like everyone is mad at me all the time because I can't make more time for them. I feel like nobody understands. People try to make plans with me for lunch...which is awesome. I love lunch. Except...I get up at noon. Because I get off at 1 or 2 and go to bed at 4. 

I feel terrible because I don't get up earlier, but I can't wind down before that. I can't go to bed 15 minutes after I get home when I am wired. I just closed a restaurant. Do you get home from work at 5:00 and go to bed by 6:00?

I feel like I never get anything done and I feel like I am a total failure. 

I don't know what to do with this now. I really, really don't. It has been a short amount of time and I hope that things get better. But, my schedule is not figuring itself out. I know that people work second shift and function. I just don't know how yet. And I want to stop feeling guilty. All I feel is guilty.

4 comments:

Josey said...

Honestly, when I worked 2nd shift, most of my friends did as well. It will just always be hard to coordinate schedules with daytime workers. That's not your fault - it's just what happens b/c of your schedule. Don't let other people's expectations stress you out or make you feel like a bad person. Would they want to meet you for an after-work cocktail at 1am? I thought not.

whimsy said...

If there is anything you are, it is not, I repeat NOT a failure. I admire you. I look up to you. You are one of the most genuine, caring, and talented people I know. Don't let anyone make you feel anything other than pride for all you have accomplished. Things haven't settled down yet, so what? The people in your life can deal until you figure out just how this whole "being a chef" thing works. You're following your dream and you should never feel guilty about it. Never. I love you!

Big Jed said...

Let the guilt go and just live your life for you. You're on the right path and those who understand will be with you the whole way. For reals.

Anonymous said...

I'll second the comment from BJ. (yes, I called her BJ) Do what YOU want. Real friends will always be around in one form or another just like the bird will always be the word, no matter what. WORD.