Saturday, February 27, 2010

Always put alcohol in your coffee

I am writing a blog post in response to a blog post. This is too much for a comment and such a huge part of my life too, I wanted to share it here.

Read Tini's post here:

I woke up this morning and felt five steps to the left. I just wasn't right, things just weren't right. I got to school at almost the exact same time as Tini, in fact we were on the phone when I parked next to him. I went through the motions and I barely looked at him all day. I couldn't. I was scared I would see it in his eyes and I would just lose it. So, I kept myself busy. I took the responsibility of red neck and buried myself in it, making certain everyone was on task at all times. I made sure Tini was working on things I was not.

This was probably a dick move on my part, I realize this. But, today wasn't goodbye for me. Tini sang and danced his way into my life forever and I know that I will see him. And soon. I am sad that it won't be everyday and I am scared to face school without him. But, today was emotional for him. Today was a day that I knew would be hard for him and I didn't want to be the person to make him cry. I didn't want to be the person that made today a huge event. If someone else had, I would have been there for him in a nano second. I was never far away and was sure to keep an eye on him, even when we were cleaning in different kitchens.

I walked out of the building, one of the only times in 16 weeks, without him. I got in my car and I burst into tears. I drove home and felt like an ass hole that I just let him walk into that office alone to sign the papers that, temporarily, ended his dream. But, I knew I couldn't be there. I knew it would only be worse if I was there, sobbing like a baby. I knew it would be that much harder.

A lot of our classmates sent me texts asking me to tell him bye, that they just didn't have a chance to say it. One of them made me promise I would give him their number. We all talk, constantly, about how much we are going to miss him. About how he is the glue that holds this group together. We joke constantly that he should get a lawn chair, a cooler, and an umbrella and just sit in front of the windows watching us cook. We joke about him coming up and sitting with us in the lunchroom between classes.

He may weave his way out of some of their lives, but there are more people than he thinks that won't ever forget him. And won't have to. Because he will be back in the fall and stop in our class, just like we will stop in his.

When I read his post, my heart broke for him all over again. And maybe I didn't handle this right, maybe I needed to show up on his door step with a bottle of jack and make him feel like P-Diddy. I chose to let him feel this, in his way, because that is what I would have needed. I hope that was the right decision.

Tini, I love you. Don't feel lost. You are just temporarily derailed.


whimsy said...

Totally ignore what I just typed on Facebook because all I had to do was read the comment on my blog and I lost it. I lost all of it. And it was exactly what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it. Thank you, just...thank you.

When I left school today I realized that I was the last student left in the building. The parking lot was completely empty. That short walk to my car was the single longest walk I have ever taken, but I knew that I had to take it alone. I haven't been able to cry even though it has been exactly what's needed to happen. I really didn't want to go out in tears today, so thanks for not letting me, even if you had to feel like an asshole to do it. And yes, I'm crying like a baby right now. And I'm listening to "Defying Gravity". Figures.

Bradshaw said...

Bloody hell, that made ME cry. Jerks. You guys will make it. I swears.