You're a Swine Flu

While I was out...work developed a germ phobia. I noticed it first by the hand sanitizer by the door as you left the lunch room. Then, today, something happened that made me want to, well, vomit. Swine Flu. Everywhere.

I walked into the bathroom and saw a sign. It contained instructions. On how to wash your hands. Admittedly, I am the youngest person in my office. There is one person younger than me, and several people I wonder about, but they have kids. This puts them on a maturity level that makes me look like a toddler crying for their Binky. So, for the sake of argument, let's call me the youngest. I know how to wash my hands. If these people - the people who I consider light years ahead of me in life experience - cannot figure out how to properly cleanse their hands, well, fuck me. WE ARE ADULTS. I could rant FOREVER about how this country coddles people and takes away self responsibility, but I won't. I really really want to, mind you. But, this post would be like 17 years long and you all would be like, dude, shut the fuck up. And I would totally agree with you.

I googled "deaths from swine flu" and every article I read indicated there were 6 in the United States. SIX. This is not an epidemic, people. This is a really bad car accident. Or the people I killed last week. Tragic? Yes. Reason to panic? Not so much. There is cautious and there is crazy. If I am calling you crazy...you know you have a problem.

Oh, but nobody worry. I have a plan. My plan is to just start licking everything. And wearing shirts that say "I have Swine Flu: Beware" with a skull and cross bones. And when people ask, I will say the CDC made me do it. Then I will lick them and run away cackling, with my arms flailing everywhere. I think it would be HILARIOUS. (Hi HR! Just kidding! I would never purposefully spread Swine Flu. Well, at least not to the people I liked.)

Or maybe I should put caution tape up around my cubicle and tell everyone I have a tickle in my throat and that they should stay away, because, you never know. I guarantee you at least 3 people would ask for their desks to be moved. To a bubble.

OMG. I should request a bubble.

The point is, the bubonic plague was an epidemic. AIDS in the 80's (and in some countries now) was an epidemic. This is a blip. And, trust me when I say, it isn't because the government stepped in and fixed things before they got bad.

Also...the crap at the end of American Idol when that "new judge" whose last name sounds like phlegm wrote them a song...total fucking crap. I want to vomit a giant hurricane filled mountain while stabbing myself repeatedly in the eye with, well, to stay in theme, a hurricane. Then impale myself on a mountain. And give her swine flu. That was totally random.