Today. And some other shit.

I don't really care what people think about me. Personal life me. Crazy, erratic, me. But work me? Work me I care about. I work my fucking ass of for that place and I realized, on my 3 weeks of disability, that it is affecting my personal life. So, now I am having an internal monologue that looks something like this:

Erratic 1: "You should quit your job, sell all your shit, buy an old Volkswagen, and just live your life, man."

Erratic 2: "Shut the fuck up and get a job, hippie."

One part of me realizes that on some level, my career validates me. The other part of me realizes that I have let my job interfere with my life to the point that it is affecting my health. And I feel like everyone sees it and knows that I am returning to work caring a little bit less. And it is making me paranoid. Smoked too much pot, scared to leave the house because the man is waiting in your backyard paranoid. (This is a true story, for another post.)

Also, today sucked ass. And, in a tradition I have been planning to bring to the blog, I am going to rant. In numeric form. Because I can.

1. I had over 700 new emails. I expected more. What I did not expect was that about 40 of them were forwards. FORWARDS. Who sends a forward to someone who is out of the office? And they weren't like, OMG, this is so fucking funny I don't care if it blows up your inbox. It was like, hey, look at this doggie that needs a home. And some shit about frogs that I didn't even read. I deleted it, while simultaneously plotting revenge on the person who sent it. I am thinking interoffice and anthrax. So, if anyone knows how to get anthrax let me know. Also, United States government, if you are reading this, I am totally joking.
2. I had all these meetings scheduled that were meant to "catch me up." Um. Do you have any idea how long it takes to go through 700 emails? I only worked 4 hours. Oh, and I haven't had to use my brain in 3 weeks. And I took enough pain killers in that time to kill a small village. And went through 5 days of withdrawal. I am pretty sure all the brain cells labeled "smart" are long gone. However, "beer," "reality TV," and "dragons" managed to survive.
3. The "welcome back, pity, head tilt, talk to me like a toddler." Enough said. I do not have a brain injury. My lower back does not control my brain. You let me PROVE I am now stupid...don't just assume. And by enough said, I mean shut the fuck up this is my rant and I don't have to make sense. I am also sticking my tongue out at you.
4. Seriously, people, I am afraid I got stupid. Also, if I ever say "got stupid" again, send me some anthrax via interoffice.
5. On my way home, I got hit on by a man with a tooth. He was driving next to me. In a teal green pick up truck. On the highway. Making obscene gestures. At that point, don't you just give up?

So, I am sorry I haven't been writing...I blame the stupid. And I promise to do better.

And does anyone else feel like "The Hangover" looks like the worst movie ever made? Ever? Because, I watch the previews, and I want to shove glass in my eyes. Or something less painful but equally dramatic.