I Now Pronounce You Woman and Wine

I am going out of my mind I am so bored. It is like torture. And I am suddenly incapable of entertaining myself. Normally, you could leave me on a deserted island for like a year, and you would return to me, sitting in the middle of some fucked up village I made out of twigs asking if you want a snack. Then I would totally make you take a tour of my village and you would be, all, wow, you are handy. Who knew? And I would be like, fuck yeah, I'm handy. Here, have a coconut.

What am I doing instead? I watched The Wedding Planner. Do you have any idea how horrible The Wedding Planner is? And your answer is no. Because you have a life and you have never seen it. Did anybody ever see that movie? Did J-Lo even see that movie? Because, seriously, it was a giant pile of dog shit. I would say it is looking up, but I am currently watching Bride Wars. I have very low expectations. Also, what is with all the bridey movies? My grandmother is totally picking them. Weird.

I am also in an odd pain place. I stopped taking the pain killers, because, people, that shit is addictive. And I am all about the altered state of being, but not so much about the withdrawal and costly addiction. I went through two days of withdrawal. TWO DAYS. I wasn't even on the shit for two weeks. That was mildly annoying. And by mildly, I mean hot and cold sweats, jitters, and nausea. I would have just started taking it again, but then I found out it was called hillbilly heroin on the "street" and my street cred is already a little iffy, so I am going to just stick with the real heroin. I have a reputation to uphold.

Back to the original point, I am in pain now. And sober. And that sucks. I mean, it really, really sucks. I am still taking Flexeril. And I know, you are all, whoa, that shit is awesome. But, I am all, whoa, I built up a tolerance quick. So, the result of me being in pain, is the constant twitchy, antsy dance of trying to find a comfortable position. Because I am comfortable for approximately a nano second at a time. Then I have to move to get comfortable again. And repeat. So, I kind of resemble a meth addict with a wedgie. It's hot.

I would also like to mention that in a week and a half, I have made my grandmother an alcoholic. Or at least forced her to break her "one glass of wine" a night rule. By like 8 glasses. We got totally trashed last night and talked about reincarnation. Then we both drug our asses out of bed this morning, hung over, and went to physical therapy where they tortured me for an hour while I was sweating pure wine and shame. Because, physical therapists are all skinny and in shape and don't do things like drink 3 bottles of wine with their grandmother and show up for physical therapy hung over. Oh, the shame.

Bridal movie update: Bridal Wars just brought a little tear to my eye. SEND HELP. IMMEDIATELY. And bring tequila. Lots and lots of tequila. I don't have physical therapy until Monday.

UPDATE: When the fuck did it become May???? I just went to make sure my post didn't, like, confess something I accidentally didn't want to confess and it said May 1st. WTF? I REALLY need to get off the couch.