Selfish

I can't relate to what Big Jed is going through. Nor can I really, truly understand. I can only be there to hold her hand and make her food. Because that is how I show love. I make you food. And hug you. And do stupid things to make you laugh. I am like a puppy with cooking skills. And I feel guilty for talking about how all of this changed me. I feel selfish. I feel like I am taking away from what she is going through somehow, that my feelings are invalid because hers are so much more intense. 

But, this changed me. I feel like I have been woken up from a 29 year slumber. I am pretty cynical and jaded, in case none of you noticed. And the love that surrounded this entire situation has touched me in ways I cannot even put words to. A complete stranger, one of my coworkers parents, upon finding out, went to church and started a prayer circle for Big Jed. They brought together a group of 20 women, total strangers, and prayed for her and her family. While I don't believe in prayer, this touched me in a way I can't explain. Josey sent people to Big Jed's blog to lend support and encouraging words. Nurses hugged me. And I feel like my relationship with Krackle and Big Jed is completely different now. While we always said we were like sisters, this is the first time that was put to the test. I have never felt closer to the people around me and never felt luckier in my entire life.

I feel like I take so much for granted, so many things that I just always count on to be there. People I never talk to because, well, we'll talk tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Days spent lying around watching trash TV instead of getting my ass off the couch and doing something. Seeing someone. Spending time with the people I love.

Maybe this is only temporary, this new outlook on the world. Because if I am bad at one thing, it is change. But, maybe it isn't. Maybe I shouldn't let it be. We all only have today. And I am done putting off shit until tomorrow.