Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Ghost of Terrible TV

I am home at weird hours. None of my neighbors have cars in their driveways and I am frequently blocked in by various lawn care individuals, assuming that I have nowhere to go or nothing to do? I am not sure. Anyway, it is just me and the animals in the neighborhood, so it is quiet and peaceful. I like it. Nobody roaming about to see me shoving potato chips in my face while watching terrible reality TV on my DVR with no bra on. You know, because I am classy and all.

Except there is someone home. Someone devious. Someone who hates me very very much. And I am not talking about the cat, although he fits in this category too. 

I will be watching my DVR in the early afternoon before work and then magically, the channel will change. It is always to either Disney, Nick, Cartoon Network, or TLC. And TLC only when it is some woman putting her baby in danger because she is scared of giving birth or some shit. It is always a birthing show. Disney is always the Wizards of Waverly Place. Nick is all over the place, mostly with cartoons with scary voices that give me nightmares. Cartoon Network is always 2 Stupid Dogs.

Now, let me tell you something about me. I don't watch any of this shit. I don't watch shows about women having babies, prepubescent wizards (shut up. Harry Potter doesn't count), or any of the other nonsense that the channel is changed to. 

Originally I thought that it was just a glitch because I tend to make electronics do weird things. I don't know. I am magnetic or some shit. Who knows. But, then I noticed it was always the same shows. So, clearly, one of three things is happening. 

There is someone with a universal remote that is somehow also changing my television to terrible TV shows and it is all just a funny coincidence, ha ha ha.

OR.  There is some punk kid standing behind my fence laughing so hard he wets himself every time I scream expletives at the T.V. because GOD DAMMIT I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE MOTHER FUCKING END OF SUITS, SON OF A BITCH.

OR. OR. There is a poltergeist living in my DVR. 

I am 99% sure it is the last one. 

I have been trying to finish Suits for over an hour now and am, oh, halfway through it. I just want to know if they find out he didn't go to Harvard! And various other things that are happening that I can't follow because my T.V. keeps changing the channel.

Fuck it. I am taking Short Dog to the park.

4 comments:

Josey said...

lol, that's awesome. i want to meet the devious kid with the universal remote :)

Anonymous said...

It may or may not be your boyfriend who is controlling your television with his iPad...but you didn't hear that here =)

The Boy said...

Thanks a lot Anonymous!! Why did you have to go and ruin all my fun!

Erratic said...

Dear Anonymous,

It is war now. I wish I knew who you were because I am going to need reinforcements. Operation make the boy's life a living hell is ON.