Friday, May 6, 2011

Water Works

I am restless. I find my mind wandering off. I can't fall asleep, so when I finally do, I sleep all day. My whole body hurts from laying around all the time. I know it's only been two days. 48 hours. I feel stupid that this has affected me as much as it has. I wake up and reach over to cuddle with him. It is so weird letting out one dog, coming home to one dog. The house feels so empty. 11 years of coming home to a tail that could knock out a toddler. 11 years of him bringing me a toy. I feel so empty.

My car is weird. I feel like he is there with me in the car for some reason. When we would drive, he always put his head over my left shoulder and sniffed. I keep checking over my shoulder.

His bed is still in our bedroom. His giant bone still sitting at the bottom of the stairs. His food bin sits, full, with his food bowl on top of it. His pictures are everywhere.

I worked 12 hours after we put him down and was a mess at first, but ended up fine. As soon as I got in my car to drive home, I started sobbing. I can't handle the quiet moments, the moments when I have time to think.  

I have never lost anyone I was close to. So, maybe I just don't how to grieve. Maybe this response is normal. Maybe I am a crazy person.

I know it will get better, I do. I will keep hugging the short dog and the boy and forcing Neil to tolerate a hug here and there. I will keep busy and distracted. I will hope that one day I will go a whole day without mother fucking crying. Because, you guys, this is a lot of crying.

2 comments:

Big Jed said...

It gets better. You will always miss and love him but soon it will be easier to get through the day. Give it some time.

Love you.

Josey said...

The quiet moments are always the hardest for sure. I've lost a few people who I was very close to, and it's the quiet times when you can think and remember that are the saddest.

It's always hard to feel empathy for those around us if we haven't experienced it ourselves. Completely off topic, but I think in the same way that you couldn't understand the joy some people felt for the marriage of William & Kate, many others couldn't understand your grief at the loss of a dog. (who yes, I totally get was a HUGE part of your life!!).

A good reminder that though we don't always understand other's joys and tears, they're both still equally valid to whomever is feeling them.

Hang in there - it will get better.