Sunday, October 17, 2010

Something I need to forgive myself for.

I am very hard on myself. I often run conversations over and over in my head, trying to think of ways that they could have gone different. Things I should have said. Things I shouldn't have said.

There is one conversation that haunts me. I have gotten in a lot of fights with people and said some awful things. But, I have always apologized, I have always done my best to make it better.

I was living with Krackle at the time and working with her as well. Things were tense, we were spending too much time together and I was frustrated. She would spend the night at her boyfriend's house (now her husband) and not tell me. Or come in at 4:00 am and wake me up. It was all stupid. I had no right to be mad, I was just being a 21 year old who didn't have the maturity to sit her down and talk things out.

So, one night we went out drinking and I blew up at her on the way home. I don't even remember the exact words I said, but they don't matter. It was a long time ago. She left and my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight because he took her side. Everybody did. I was out of line and drunk and immature and an asshole.

I tried to talk about it later and she just brushed it off, saying obviously I needed to get it off my chest. I never got to tell her that I didn't really mean it. I never got to tell her that I have no idea why I said those things the way I did.

We are, obviously, still close. And we have never spoken of the incident since. But, I have never forgiven myself for almost ruining a friendship that has lasted over a decade. She is my oldest friend.

I know she has no idea I still think about this or that it affected me that much.

I regret saying those things to her and am so happy that she was able to forgive me. I love her with all my heart and my life would not be the same without her.

2 comments:

Krackle said...

DUDE - you're right, no clue it effected you that much. Honestly, I am not sure there is anything you could say to me that I would not forgive you for. You have breeched the friend level and moved to the sister level. I could be mad at you, annoyed, disagree, etc...but I could ALWAYS forgive you. I don't even remember what was said - obviously didn't leave a scar. I love you :)

And with that being said...BUTTERNUT WHAT?

Bradshaw said...

For the record, I love that you're posting these. I've saved the questions in a google doc just in case I need motivation. I like learning about you. :) Shows me JUST how much we're like each other.