Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This post barely makes sense to me and must be read in "fast frantic" voice. Proceed.

Do you ever stop listening to a message because it is just too long and your attention span is gone and you are rolling your eyes so far back in your head, you fear permanent damage? You were probably listening to a message from me. Or the boy. Because I was totally just listening to a message from the boy like that and I had to give up. Normally, I listen to the whole thing, despite the hard core eye rolling. I just don't have it in me today.

My sister's wedding is on Saturday. And while everything is as OK as it is going to be, this shit stresses me out. I am getting email after email about things I need to do for her and appointments I need to make and money I need to spend that I don't have. Plus, you know, my life here. And the fact that I REALLY JUST WANT TO FUCKING DRINK SOME BEER but my test results came back and my cholesterol is really low (123!) but my triglycerides are high (230!) The first question out of her mouth was, "How much beer do you drink?" My life pretty much ended as she proceeded to tell me that the main cause of high triglycerides with low cholesterol is beer. Fucking empty calories. So, you know, my one stress release is killing me. Or some shit. Somebody please just put an end to all of this. I mean, not really. Because most days I love my life. But, holy fuck this week not so much.

And I have reports due and work making me come in when I am not scheduled and MY LEGS ARE SO FUCKING PALE AND THE DRESS IS GREEN AND OMG.

And I still want an otter. And beer. And money. Mostly beer and money. And an otter.

And also? ALSO? Today I was at school and my group is dumb, dumber, and jack ass. Seriously, I would say something, like, hey guys, I am going to go make the apple filling for the croissants, will you roll out the dough for the danish. I would be gone for like 30 minutes making the filling and come back and they are standing there eating the fucking Challah bread and drinking milk and MAKING ME WANT TO KILL THEM.

Deep breaths.

Then I called Big Jed and basically said this entire email into her ear REALLY REALLY fast and she kept telling me to breath and possibly called all my friends and family to find a nice, happy place I could stay for a little while.

I just opened a beer. Fuck my triglycerides and FUCK THIS DAY.

For the record, in case you have not already figured this out I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have a wedding of this magnitude. EVER. Cannot emphasize that enough. EVER.

There is not enough Xanax in the world.

Also, those of you who actually worry when I freak out like this, don't. I am just kind of intense and really am mostly fine, just stressed and ragey. And drinky. Mostly ragey.


Big Jed said...

Oh how I love love love it when you wig out like this. It is vintage Erratic. And i know you will be fine. Just keep fucking breathing, yo.

Erratic said...

Vintage Erratic is the coolest thing anyone has ever said ever. You are awesome.

Also, sorry about the phone call. Please don't commit me.

Big Jed said...

It's all good. I made you laugh. And I like it when you get all stabby...

Krackle said...

RANTS!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE THE RANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND...love when you add "ey" to words, makes the rants that much more fun..

Bradshaw said...

I'm kind of digging this, and seriously, this type of rant has been running through my head for two days. So I feel ya.