Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sloppy dog kisses fix everything.

Sometimes I wish that nobody knew about this blog. I mean, not nobody nobody. Just nobody I knew. Not my family or my friends. Because sometimes, I just need to talk about shit that I don't really want anyone to know about. Day to day stuff that would betray people in my life, but that I need to get off my chest. Stuff I simply cannot post here. It's frustrating, because it happens more than I would like to admit. The funny thing is, my first readers of this blog were people in my "real" life. A lot of them still are. And I love them for reading. I even love the people who pretend that they still read it, but yet I know don't. I do. I love them.

But, sometimes, just sometimes, I want to talk to people who don't know me. Who don't see me everyday, who can't make me feel guilty when I drunk blog and make a total fool of myself. Or who won't give me that sympathetic look when I have a nervous-breakdown blog moment. We all know I have them.

Here's the thing. I feel raw. I feel like someone has removed every barrier, every wall, every safe guard and put me on a pedestal in front of a million people. Naked. On a bad hair day. And I haven't shaved. But, I can't talk about it here. I can't tell you all why and I can't get advice on what to do and I can't call you all and cry until my face hurts. Because it would hurt other people.

I am mostly fine with this, really. I chose to be lax on my identity, I think most of you know who I am by now. I chose to tell some of my friends and family about this blog, knowing full well it would mean censoring myself from time to time. And that's OK. It really, really is.

But, today? TODAY? I really need to call all of you and cry until my face hurts.

It's funny how I have so many people I am close to, so many people I can call and trust and talk about anything with. And how even me, a person with more support than anyone could ever ask for, can feel this lonely. This vulnerable. This raw.

This too shall pass, I know that. I am strong and loved. But, holy fuck does it suck right now.

And as if he knew, Shorty McShortDog just sat down next to me, put his head on my shoulder, and kissed my cheek, then curled up in a ball and went to sleep. See? One step closer to just being erratic again.

1 comment:

Bradshaw said...

:( You could call me if you needed to. You could.