"Duffman thrusting in the direction of the problem!"

This is going to be long. Don't say you weren't warned.

Part I: Monday

I have been trying to eliminate chemicals from my diet for a while now. This includes preservatives, dyes, food that was genetically engineered, etc. I am not going to preach to you, because most days I wake up and want nothing more than powdered cheese with processed noodles and milk drowning in hormones. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And if you are not yet educated on this subject - DO NOT READ A THING. IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. When I invent a time machine, I am going back in time and beating the crap out myself the day I decided that it can't hurt to be educated. Then I will drink my body weight in Dr. Pepper.

I went online and found a bunch of things to drink that were not water, but still met the criteria I am trying to stick to. I also found tons of coupons for Amazon and their organic grocery store, so I went a little crazy buying various things that sounded yummy. But, mainly, I bought three cases of carbonated fruit juice to quench that craving for soda I have been struggling to kick.

Stay with me. It is all coming together.

Part II: Today After Work

On the way home, I decided that I was sick and tired of stopping all the time to pick up beer. The people at the gas station started to ask where I was when I didn't show up for more than a few days at a time. I am not even kidding. THEY KNOW ME BY NAME. (Hi. Intervention? It's Erratic and it's time.) So, I go to Sam's Club, because it is cheap and comes in big girl size. (That is what I call those big bottles of wine. It is also what I call the glass of wine when you pour it all the way to the top. I am so classy.) I grab two cases of beer and am perusing the wine. I turn around and there is a woman standing there. She has her foot up on the bar of the cart and is leaning on the cart looking at me. She is wearing a name tag, but it is not a Sam's Club name tag.

Crazy Woman: "Do you feel better?"

Erratic: "Since when?"

C: "Your shoes. You went and changed them."

E: "Ma'am, we have never met and I have been wearing these shoes all day."

CW: laughs awkwardly, still maintaining eye contact.

E: "Heh." I put something in my cart thinking, maybe, she thinks it is hers.

CW: "It's really windy in here."

E: (frantically looking around) "Yep, sure is windy outside."

CW: "No, silly, inside the building."

E: "Heh. Oh yeah."

CW: "You having a party?" (I have been nervously shoving all alcohol in sight into my cart.)

E: "Heh. Yeah, this weekend. Big party. Lots to buy." (note: there is no party)

CW: "Where do you live?"

E: "Oh, on the other side of town, this is just close to work." (I could walk to the Sam's from my house. I thought she was going to follow me home.)

CW: "I love parties"

E: "Well, I really have to go"

I walk towards my cart. She does not move. I sort of push her out of the way with my hip and walk away as fast as any human being has ever walked without breaking into a sprint.

Part III: Today when I got home

I get home and pull up to the house, already dreading the load I have to carry in because I bought, ahem, two cases of beer and 5 bottles of wine. I look up and there are three HUGE boxes from Amazon on the front porch. Plus, I had already gotten the mail, which had a package in it. So, I start unloading everything and bringing it in the house. I have just recently learned how to properly lift in rehab, so every time I lift, I roll my hips backwards, stick my butt out, lean forward, keeping my head up, and bend my knees. However...this takes me about 45 seconds each time I bend over. I only realize as I am lifting the last box that my neighbor who is outside stealing WiFi is watching the whole thing with a look on his face that is a combination of laughter, pity, and horror. I wave and sort of shrug my shoulders, the universal sign to queue the sitcom "wah wah wah waaaahhh" music where the other person shakes their head in understanding. I mean, that is how that works, right????

Without further ado...the fridge:

Scary, right? So, you know, if you're in the neighborhood this weekend, stop by and have a beer. Or a carbonated fruit juice. Or maybe a bottle of water and a Gatorade.

Also, I was watching the Simpson's while I typed this. Ha ha. Duffman.