Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Rehab - Not the Amy Winehouse kind.

I try really hard not to talk about all of the bullshit that is going on with my back because it tends to sound like whining and complaining. I also don't necessarily know what to say. It hurts, it sucks, the end. It is just hard to put into words this weird, constant struggle that has become the back pain. And the doctors. And the physical therapy. And the constant stream of ass holes that is the medical profession in this country.*

Something kind of awesome happened today, though, and I wanted to talk about it. Briefly. Because I know it is boring. But, this is all about me, so suck it.

My family doctor referred me to a neurosurgeon back in May. I finally went to see him a few weeks ago. I was petrified. NeuroSURGEON. I am too young for back surgery and medical leave and shit. I just didn't know what to expect. Well, neurosurgeon referred me to a Spinal Rehabilitation Clinic. Let me tell you kids, I shit my pants on the spot. Also, why did I just call you kids?

Spinal Rehab? I have been through physical therapy 3 times in my life. Once for the car accident in 2001 that caused all of this, once in October 2007, and this spring. Every single time I had the same experience. Do this stretch while I gossip to my coworkers. Lift this weight while I see another patient. Here is some shit to do at home. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. It was frustrating and I wasn't getting any better. It never helped, it only pissed me off. So, when neurosurgeon said that this would be the opposite of physical therapy, I was both excited and terrified.

I had an evaluation with the Spinal Rehab guy and he put together a recovery plan for me. Today was my first day of rehab. And, yes, I am telling everyone I am in rehab because the look on my coworkers faces are priceless. Someone actually asked me if it was for drugs or alcohol today. I caved and told them the truth, but it would have been really funny if I had the balls to tell them it was meth and then twitch a little.

Spinal rehab is basically an hour of a physical therapist telling you how crappy your posture is and how to correct it. At one point she took my hips (by the bone - who knew you could still feel those) and repositioned me. It was like someone gave me the best pain killer ever. Apparently, I need to stick my ass out more. She taught me how to sit right, how to walk right, how to bend, right, I COULD GO ON FOREVER. This seems so easy, I know. Most of you probably do this naturally. But, when you have a back problem, you guard. Your muscles change. You try to protect your spine in anyway you can. You never relax. SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO RELAX.

See, this is why I never talk about this. Because all of you right now are thinking, um, I am sitting right now and I am fine. This bitch is crazy. It is sitting. I learned how to do this when I was an infant. Trust me, I feel just as ridiculous when someone has to show me how very wrong I do the basic things in life. But, I have hope and that is something new. That is something I haven't felt yet.

The best part? The absolute most amazing part? I was specifically instructed to stop working out until they create a custom workout plan for me - IN 4 WEEKS. I realize I shouldn't be excited about this, but I just can't help it. Man, I hate working out.

*Except for nurses. My experience with nurses has been nothing but amazing and I believe that they are single handily holding the medical profession together. I want to hug every single one of them, but I fear that there is a limit to the number of restraining orders you can have against you.


Brutalism said...

When you are in pain, there is nothing else you can think about. It sucks because you know that no one wants to hear about it, yet it is really hard to focus on anything else. Awesome that you found the right therapy. Good luck in rehab...wino.

Gypsy said...

If I have to stick my butt out more we're all in trouble.