Thursday, July 30, 2009

"Duffman thrusting in the direction of the problem!"

This is going to be long. Don't say you weren't warned.

Part I: Monday

I have been trying to eliminate chemicals from my diet for a while now. This includes preservatives, dyes, food that was genetically engineered, etc. I am not going to preach to you, because most days I wake up and want nothing more than powdered cheese with processed noodles and milk drowning in hormones. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And if you are not yet educated on this subject - DO NOT READ A THING. IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. When I invent a time machine, I am going back in time and beating the crap out myself the day I decided that it can't hurt to be educated. Then I will drink my body weight in Dr. Pepper.

I went online and found a bunch of things to drink that were not water, but still met the criteria I am trying to stick to. I also found tons of coupons for Amazon and their organic grocery store, so I went a little crazy buying various things that sounded yummy. But, mainly, I bought three cases of carbonated fruit juice to quench that craving for soda I have been struggling to kick.

Stay with me. It is all coming together.

Part II: Today After Work

On the way home, I decided that I was sick and tired of stopping all the time to pick up beer. The people at the gas station started to ask where I was when I didn't show up for more than a few days at a time. I am not even kidding. THEY KNOW ME BY NAME. (Hi. Intervention? It's Erratic and it's time.) So, I go to Sam's Club, because it is cheap and comes in big girl size. (That is what I call those big bottles of wine. It is also what I call the glass of wine when you pour it all the way to the top. I am so classy.) I grab two cases of beer and am perusing the wine. I turn around and there is a woman standing there. She has her foot up on the bar of the cart and is leaning on the cart looking at me. She is wearing a name tag, but it is not a Sam's Club name tag.

Crazy Woman: "Do you feel better?"

Erratic: "Since when?"

C: "Your shoes. You went and changed them."

E: "Ma'am, we have never met and I have been wearing these shoes all day."

CW: laughs awkwardly, still maintaining eye contact.

E: "Heh." I put something in my cart thinking, maybe, she thinks it is hers.

CW: "It's really windy in here."

E: (frantically looking around) "Yep, sure is windy outside."

CW: "No, silly, inside the building."

E: "Heh. Oh yeah."

CW: "You having a party?" (I have been nervously shoving all alcohol in sight into my cart.)

E: "Heh. Yeah, this weekend. Big party. Lots to buy." (note: there is no party)

CW: "Where do you live?"

E: "Oh, on the other side of town, this is just close to work." (I could walk to the Sam's from my house. I thought she was going to follow me home.)

CW: "I love parties"

E: "Well, I really have to go"

I walk towards my cart. She does not move. I sort of push her out of the way with my hip and walk away as fast as any human being has ever walked without breaking into a sprint.

Part III: Today when I got home

I get home and pull up to the house, already dreading the load I have to carry in because I bought, ahem, two cases of beer and 5 bottles of wine. I look up and there are three HUGE boxes from Amazon on the front porch. Plus, I had already gotten the mail, which had a package in it. So, I start unloading everything and bringing it in the house. I have just recently learned how to properly lift in rehab, so every time I lift, I roll my hips backwards, stick my butt out, lean forward, keeping my head up, and bend my knees. However...this takes me about 45 seconds each time I bend over. I only realize as I am lifting the last box that my neighbor who is outside stealing WiFi is watching the whole thing with a look on his face that is a combination of laughter, pity, and horror. I wave and sort of shrug my shoulders, the universal sign to queue the sitcom "wah wah wah waaaahhh" music where the other person shakes their head in understanding. I mean, that is how that works, right????

Without further ado...the fridge:

Scary, right? So, you know, if you're in the neighborhood this weekend, stop by and have a beer. Or a carbonated fruit juice. Or maybe a bottle of water and a Gatorade.

Also, I was watching the Simpson's while I typed this. Ha ha. Duffman.


Big Jed said...

Oh. My. Dear. Lord. I'm having a beverage intervention. Today.

Brutalism said...

I love the "Big girl glass of wine" -- that's what I have when I drink wine and now I have a name for it. Thank you for that.

I'm sorry your new best friend at Sam's Club did not score herself an invite to the Beverage Mecca that is your house. Sure, it could have been potentially life-threatening, but think of the blog fodder.

Did you see Food, Inc., speaking of too much information? After watching that, I now think through everything that goes in my mouth (totally unlike college). Thank you. Thank you very much.

Erratic said...

I have not seen Food Inc. Of course, now I will have to see it. I have already crossed to the dark side, might as well do it balls to the wall. :) Although I am not sure that comment really applies, seeing as I do not have balls...