King Earl of the Moles

There are two things you need to know.

1. Iceburg Jones and I constantly take on the persona of Earl and Brandine, a couple who drives around town on rascals. We speak in country accents and new people at work often think those are actually our names.
2. I often call Iceburg Jones moley because when he first wakes up he is all squinty eyed and confused. He often comes to work in this state.

I got this text from Iceburg Jones last night when I got to work. I couldn't stop laughing.

Ohhhh fuck I am lost in a park right now. I'm moleying around the trails and I don't remember how to get back from where I came. Oh god. Where am I, Brandine? Come rascal me outta here my legs are tahrd! I think I'm going to just burrow a little mole hole and wait for help to arrive...and if help never comes, well, this is will be my life. I'll run with my mole brethren in tunnels underground, and they will crown me their king. King Earl of the Blendon Woods Mole Colony. Cower at our moley stance of confusion! Tremble at the sight of our squinty little eyes and our inability to find things in a kitchen. Perished will be all those foolish enough to cross us, for our claws are strong and our little gnawing teeth are kind of sharp. Probably. I, King Earl of the Moles, shall lead my brethren bravely with eyes half open to the underground world of victory! ......Seriously Erratic where the fuck am I? I am literally standing in a box of butterflies now...I have no better way of describing this. All I know is I did not walk through a box of butterflies on the way here...kind of neat though.

I always check my phone when I am peeing, so I was sitting on the toilet with a line outside the door laughing so hard I was choking. Tears running down my face, I walked out of the bathroom stall to a small group of people staring at me in complete awe and bewilderment. Which, of course, just made me laugh harder.