I GOT THE JOB, BITCHES!

I will start with the best news of all...I got the job. I start tomorrow. I am ecstatic. And nervous. My new schedule is going to be slightly amazing. I will work Monday through Friday 9:30 am to 2:30 pm at the new job and Sunday through Thursday 4 pm to 12 am. So, you read this right, I have Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday mornings off! That is almost two whole days! Days other people have off work! So I can see them! And have friends! And a life! And wheeeeeeee!

I was also informed that at new job, I am expected to have my own dishes on the menu. My. Food. On a restaurant menu. I died. I am dead. I just can't even begin to explain how amazing this will be. Obviously, it will take some time and I will need to get a hang of things. But, my food. On a menu. It is everything.

The last bit of news is more of the "I am going to kill my cat" nature. So. Neil is on prescription food because of his bladder issues. His food regulates the ph in his bladder. He hated the food at first and we had to mix tuna with it. Then we slowly weened him off the tuna. Phase 1, we will call it. Well, Phase 2 is the phase where we stop feeding him 7 million times a day. OK. Four. But, still. We feed him a half a can in the morning, at noon, dinner, and before bed. I am pushing to only feed him twice a day. I am a firm believer that if you withhold food long enough, eventually they bend to your will. I have done this with both my dogs. They eat on a schedule, they eat all their food when it is put in front of them. Well, Short Dog still does. Kobi did. 

Now it's time for the cat. Except, you know, he is secretly Stewie from Family Guy. So, instead of him just eating what he is hungry for, he eats nothing. Nada. Not even a little bit of food. He isn't having it. He wants his fresh food four times a day. And we are being stubborn and not giving in, but he is getting gradually more and more evil. Meowing and staring. Sharpening knives menacingly. You know, the usual.

Sooooooo....if nobody hears from me for a few days, it is distinctly possible I am tied up in the basement being force fed cat food by my cat. He will be eating chips.

T-Shirts I require in my life.

Please diagnose my anxiety disorder.

My hands smell like bacon and no amount of washing will change that. 

I read this and chuckle at the comment I hear so often, adrenaline junkie. Masochist. Can't I just love food?

I find myself day dreaming about food...making notes in my idea book.

I can't focus on anything, my mind keeps drifting off. I must be tired.

What if the interview goes wrong?

What if it goes right?

Isn't getting everything you want just as terrifying as not getting it?

I get so wrapped up in the what if's, it paralyzes me with fear. I can never just let things happen. I analyze until I drive myself crazy and then I am too scared to move forward because I don't know the outcome. The unknown terrifies me. I have to know what to expect. 

I can't be scared anymore. I deserve to be doing what I love. 

So, no, not an adrenaline junkie. Maybe a masochist. Probably just somebody who really loves food.

Dreams do come true. Maybe

I have been looking for a second job. I mentioned that I applied for a job at the YWCA and they have not called me, which upset me a great deal. I was perfect for the position, but their loss, right? I don't know. It feels an awful lot like my loss too.

Several of the other jobs I applied for called and turned out to be not what I wanted. One was only hours at night, one was like 12 hours a week, and so on. The past few days were filled with unfinished dreams and not knowing where I want to be in 5, 10, 15 years. I know what industry I want to be in, I know I want to be cooking food...beyond that...I have nothing. 

Krackle and I hung out today and we spent some time discussing this, throwing out ideas, trying to plan my life. Because this is what we do. We try to find solutions to every single problem that ever existed ever. And then fail because it is impossible to successfully solve every single problem ever. It's our thing.

The conversation left me feeling...thoughtful? I am not quite sure how to explain it. The thought of having to go out and FIND my dream, to FIND the perfect job for me seemed impossible. And at the same time, I was hopeful that maybe there was something out there that fit me exactly.

Krackle has not seen Harry Potter yet, so we left her house to drive to the movie theater. On the way, my phone rang and it was a friend with a question.

"You still looking for hours during the day?"

"Yep"

"Hold On"

He proceeds to put the chef of a local restaurant on the phone, who then proceeds to set up an interview for Friday afternoon. Now, let me tell you about this restaurant. It is the ONLY farm to table restaurant in the city. It was built as an extension of a farm that has been in existence since 1860. It is all heirloom vegetables. They bring all of their scraps back to the farm and compost it. They shred their cardboard to use in animal bedding on the farm. It is local. It is sustainable. It is fine dining. Their menu changes seasonally. It is everything a restaurant should be.

They even recycle their fryer oil to be used as bio diesel fuel. You guys. Just...heaven.

And I have an interview on Friday. To say that my hopes are up is the understatement of the century. To say I want this job more than any job ever in history ever is an understatement. I have had my eyes on this place since day one, but they notoriously only hire on references from current employees. They do not hire outside their "family." And I got an in. And an interview. And hope. 

So, maybe Krackle and I can solve every problem ever just by talking it through. Maybe we can't. Maybe by just putting what I wanted out there, the universe said, hey, let's give her this one. I don't know what it was, but I am not complaining. I am going to put on my best big girl outfit and go in there and kill that interview. Because this is my dream job. And I want it oh so bad.

10 Random Things

In an effort to post more, when I don't have a whole post thought out, I am going to start posting ten random things I am thinking about. I used to do this a lot when Krackle, Big Jed, and I all worked together at the bank. I would list 10 things that were pissing me off. This is just going to be 10 things, that either piss me off or don't. Just, whatever. We'll see how it goes.

1. I wish I was the kind of person who wore hats. Not ironic hates, like hipsters wear. My hat doesn't need to make a political or social statement. Just a cute hat.
2. I accidentally stumbled on Roseanne Barr's new show on Lifetime. Holy. Fucking. Train wreck. It is hilarious. Seriously, bat shit crazy, owns a nut farm, gets medical marijuana, hilarious. Watch it.
3. I was never into greek or roman mythology before in my life, but I am reading "The Lost Hero" and now I want to read everything about mythology that was ever written. Ever. 
4. I have been having weird dreams. Really weird dreams. Where in I become magical or have super powers or some shit. Is it weird that I always wake up so happy because I just want it to be true? Will I ever grow out of this? I blame my ridiculous obsession with Alice in Wonderland as a kid. I wanted so bad, as long as I can remember, just to fall down the rabbit hole. Sigh.
5. I applied for a job at the YWCA teaching underprivileged families how to cook and about proper nutrition. I was overqualified for the position, which I thought was sort of strange. I have never, in my life, wanted a job more than this. I would work 70 hours a week doing this if someone would pay me to. I would volunteer to do it if I could afford to. This is so important to me and it has been 3 days and nobody has called me. I have never wanted a job more. The job posting gave no contact information.
6. One of my favorite things in the world is reading Post Secret every week. It makes me happy to realize that there are other people out there with their own secrets, no matter how silly or serious. This week one in particular hit WAY too close to home. "I worry that the path I have worked so hard to get on is the one that will take me the furthest away from where I actually want to be..."
7. My job has put me almost exclusively on their bakery shifts. I hate the bakery shifts for two reasons. One, I get NO hours because I am fast and not lazy. I am done in 3 hours. Secondly, I really hate baking. So, now I get to play the "find something for me to do" game for 6 hours a day in order to get even close to 40 hours. Not cool.
8. Maybe I should have made this 5 random things? Hm.
9. I am so excited for our vacation next month I can hardly stand it. But, we really can't afford to go. At all. We both need it to be relaxing and easy going, but I am terrified all we are going to do is worry about money.
10. I have 3, 027 new emails. Somebody please find an email intervention and hold one for me. I just can't bring myself to organize it. 

Doctor Dick Face, The Sinus Infection, and Biological Fathers.

So....I got sent home from work today because I was vomiting and dizzy. I almost passed out several times on the line. And I was pale. For those of you that do not know me in person, this is huge. I always have rosy cheeks and a rosy nose, which I hate. But, there it is. I am never pale.

I went to the doctor, concerned because this doesn't happen to me. Everyone said dehydration, which is possible. Our A/C was out again and it was 107 degrees in the back kitchen, so the doctor said it may have been heat stroke. Regardless he sent me home with a recommendation of decongestants for water in my eustachian tube and Gatorade. I took the decongestant and have been doing my best to choke down Gatorade, which is not my favorite. At all.  But, as per usual, the trip the doctors office was hilarious and I had to share. 

A little background, I have seen this doctor before (I go to an urgent care, or doc in a box as I call them) and he has always diagnosed me with a sinus infection.

The doctor walks in and does the general look in the ears, the nose, etc. He did strength tests to make sure I had no weakness in my limbs. He made me close my eyes and look down and I almost fell over. Because I was dizzy. Duh.

"I think you have a sinus infection."

"I have no symptoms of a sinus infection. You tested everything. I have no pressure, headaches, nothing."

"Yes, but I believe it is a sinus infection. Or you are pregnant."

"Excuse me? How are those the only two options."

"Is it possible you are pregnant?"

"I mean, I am sexually active and trying to prevent pregnancy, but anything is possible."

"That's it, go pee in a cup."

"I'm not pregnant."

"Yes you are you."

"FINE. Give me the god damn cup."

I proceed to pee all over myself because I am shaking (I can't be pregnant) and every time I look down I get dizzy and have tunnel vision.

"Well...."

"Well what? You lead with well? What did the pregnancy test say"

"It was negative. So you have a sinus infection."

"MOTHER FUCKING GOD DAMNIT I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING SINUS INFECTION."

"Yes you do."

"Look. I don't pass out. I don't get dizzy. I don't throw up in heat. These are all things that are abnormal for me. Other than a really shitty stomach, I have a pretty strong constitution."

"I recommend decongestants for a sinus infection."

"insert string of your favorite expletives here."

And, really, the rest of the conversation went in circles and I left with little to no answers. Also, I *may* have exaggerated the conversation a tad. I totally didn't swear that much. At least that is the story I am sticking to.

So, I am at home. Eating soup and drinking Gatorade and taking decongestants and feeling OK, then feeling dizzy, then feeling OK again. But, on a positive note, if I start getting symptoms of a sinus infection, I can call him and he will call in antibiotics for me. THANK GOD FOR DOCTOR SINUS INFECTION. Dick.

Anywho...this led to another topic I would like to discuss. Dateline. Which I don't watch. Because I usually work Friday nights. But, you guys, there was NOTHING ON. So, I am watching this episode where a 19 year old girl gave up her baby for adoption without permission from the father. But, I guess in Utah, this is legal? I am only half following because I am playing Harry Potter on my iPhone. I mean, um, something cooler.

So, my question to all of you is this...and the question Dateline also posed as far as I could tell between brewing potions in my cauldron. Ahem. The baby is over a year old and has never met her biological family. Her adoptive family is stable and takes good care of her. So, who would be the better parent isn't really the issue here, I don't think. To me, who is right? Is the baby best in the care of the parents she has known for over a year? Or in the care of her biological father who is a stranger?

I don't know the answer. I have been watching and thinking and doing magic and thinking and I am just not sure. It's not really about the parents anymore, right? Isn't it about what is best for the child? But, I couldn't even imagine giving away my evil cat who spends all of his free time building nuclear weapons to blow me up, not to mention my biological child. 

The mother wants nothing to do with the baby, just the father who she hid the adoption from. And he missed the deadline to contest. What do you guys think? A lot of you are mothers, so I am curious. Because I just don't know.

OK, so it's not my cat.

Short Dog and I took a trip to the park today and the weather was GORGEOUS. It was just warm enough for a little sweat on the brow, but not so hot that it was unbearable. We had a good walk and ran into no one but a few bugs and snakes. Also, pardon my finger. I am not sure what happened there.

The Ghost of Terrible TV

I am home at weird hours. None of my neighbors have cars in their driveways and I am frequently blocked in by various lawn care individuals, assuming that I have nowhere to go or nothing to do? I am not sure. Anyway, it is just me and the animals in the neighborhood, so it is quiet and peaceful. I like it. Nobody roaming about to see me shoving potato chips in my face while watching terrible reality TV on my DVR with no bra on. You know, because I am classy and all.

Except there is someone home. Someone devious. Someone who hates me very very much. And I am not talking about the cat, although he fits in this category too. 

I will be watching my DVR in the early afternoon before work and then magically, the channel will change. It is always to either Disney, Nick, Cartoon Network, or TLC. And TLC only when it is some woman putting her baby in danger because she is scared of giving birth or some shit. It is always a birthing show. Disney is always the Wizards of Waverly Place. Nick is all over the place, mostly with cartoons with scary voices that give me nightmares. Cartoon Network is always 2 Stupid Dogs.

Now, let me tell you something about me. I don't watch any of this shit. I don't watch shows about women having babies, prepubescent wizards (shut up. Harry Potter doesn't count), or any of the other nonsense that the channel is changed to. 

Originally I thought that it was just a glitch because I tend to make electronics do weird things. I don't know. I am magnetic or some shit. Who knows. But, then I noticed it was always the same shows. So, clearly, one of three things is happening. 

There is someone with a universal remote that is somehow also changing my television to terrible TV shows and it is all just a funny coincidence, ha ha ha.

OR.  There is some punk kid standing behind my fence laughing so hard he wets himself every time I scream expletives at the T.V. because GOD DAMMIT I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE MOTHER FUCKING END OF SUITS, SON OF A BITCH.

OR. OR. There is a poltergeist living in my DVR. 

I am 99% sure it is the last one. 

I have been trying to finish Suits for over an hour now and am, oh, halfway through it. I just want to know if they find out he didn't go to Harvard! And various other things that are happening that I can't follow because my T.V. keeps changing the channel.

Fuck it. I am taking Short Dog to the park.

Rut, mostly

Sometimes it blows my mind that I can go eight days without posting here. And I never realize how long it has been until I get my weekly email telling me that nobody reads my blog. Because, you know, there are like 8 of you. And someone from India who should say hi. Pretty much everyone else I can identify.

I don't mean to not write here. I don't. It's just, I feel whiny. I feel like there are a lot of positives in my life, but none of them are blog worthy. And when I really want to write here, it is to bitch about something or someone, but even that feels, just, I don't know.

I am in a rut. A big ol' rut. I feel small compared to some of the things going on around me...life changing things. Having babies, losing babies, getting married,. I am just a girl looking for a new job who works shitty hours and sleeps all day. I watch too much T.V. I drink beer. I make poor decisions, you know, the usual. It just seems...less funny. 

Gah. A rut. I love you guys. Don't leave me. I promise that I will do something spectacularly stupid and the creative juices will just start flowing. Or I will just come to terms with my rut and post pictures of my cat until it's over. 

On a possibly related note...I am reading Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead and plan to follow it up with Atlas Shrugged. I know very little about these books other than the philosophical implications. I don't necessarily agree with her ideals, but am curious. I also once read an Ann Coulter book...I seriously hope this does not end the same. Let's just say there were expletives. 

We all have a right to our opinion, it's what makes this country great. Luckily, that includes my right to disagree with it.

In conclusion...rut, Ayn Rand, and free speech for all. Yeah, mostly just rut.

Selfish

I can't relate to what Big Jed is going through. Nor can I really, truly understand. I can only be there to hold her hand and make her food. Because that is how I show love. I make you food. And hug you. And do stupid things to make you laugh. I am like a puppy with cooking skills. And I feel guilty for talking about how all of this changed me. I feel selfish. I feel like I am taking away from what she is going through somehow, that my feelings are invalid because hers are so much more intense. 

But, this changed me. I feel like I have been woken up from a 29 year slumber. I am pretty cynical and jaded, in case none of you noticed. And the love that surrounded this entire situation has touched me in ways I cannot even put words to. A complete stranger, one of my coworkers parents, upon finding out, went to church and started a prayer circle for Big Jed. They brought together a group of 20 women, total strangers, and prayed for her and her family. While I don't believe in prayer, this touched me in a way I can't explain. Josey sent people to Big Jed's blog to lend support and encouraging words. Nurses hugged me. And I feel like my relationship with Krackle and Big Jed is completely different now. While we always said we were like sisters, this is the first time that was put to the test. I have never felt closer to the people around me and never felt luckier in my entire life.

I feel like I take so much for granted, so many things that I just always count on to be there. People I never talk to because, well, we'll talk tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Days spent lying around watching trash TV instead of getting my ass off the couch and doing something. Seeing someone. Spending time with the people I love.

Maybe this is only temporary, this new outlook on the world. Because if I am bad at one thing, it is change. But, maybe it isn't. Maybe I shouldn't let it be. We all only have today. And I am done putting off shit until tomorrow.

Two little girls

I woke up with a headache and an upset stomach. I felt antsy, on edge. I got the call not even an hour after I got up.

It seems days ago that my phone rang, not a mere 10 hours. It feels like a lifetime ago that I answered.

"Big Jed lost baby A." I froze. "I'm on my way" I was at the hospital in less than 45 minutes. I sat with her all afternoon as she worried about Baby B and fretted about decisions she wasn't ready to make. 

We laughed and cried. Mostly we laughed. 

I met the boy downtown for dinner and halfway through, I got the call again. Her water broke. I flew back to the hospital, frantically making arrangements for her dogs to be fed and making sure everyone knew what was happening. I shoved pregnant ladies out of the way as I practically ran to her hospital room. I sat down immediately taking her hand. Seconds later, the doctor said the babies were both gone.

I have never seen loss like this. I wanted with every inch of my soul to take it away, to make it better. I sat as she said over and over "why me?" I held her hand for most of the day, stroked her hair, and tried to do whatever I could to comfort her. I sat outside the room as she gave birth to her two little girls, not meant for this world. I held her husband as he told me he could see their little eyes and noses. It was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever seen. 

Someone said to me, when she first went into the hospital last week, "why do you have to be there, where is her family?"

She is my family. They were my family. I never knew I could miss two little girls so much, two little girls I never even met. 

One of the nurses was rubbing my back as the doctors were doing the ultrasound and leaned down and said "thank you for being here" and it just struck me, where else would I be?