Cheating

Sometimes I feel like I am leading a double life. Not in a cool action movie kind of way. And there is no "other family" somewhere that misses their mommy. Not that there is a family anywhere that calls me mommy. Right.

I spend so much time with so many people that nobody from my old life knows. Or even knows about. I refrain from telling stories here because what is hilarious to us, will probably be stupid to you. For example, one of the grill guys, who I call boo, spent all of last night trying to gross me out by describing one of our other coworkers covered in mayonnaise. We laughed so hard it hurt. We have created these weird relationships forged during late nights where we are all exhausted and crabby. Relationships that are spent drinking beer and eating greasy bar food while everyone else I love is sleeping. We blow off steam and bitch about work and laugh and then go home to our respective lives that we will never really share with any of those people. There are exceptions, obviously. C, for one. But, for the most part, none of those people will ever know anyone in my personal life.

I think it was different when I worked 9 - 5. There were happy hours that significant others would come to. It was easy to get everyone together, easy to be a part of each other's lives. Often it was a good thing, sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes friendships were forced because of these circumstances. 

There are people at work that I care about. That I call friends. But, when I am out at 1:30 in the morning winding down from the night, I sometimes feel like I am cheating on my old life. Like I am cheating on my friends and family. That I should be home. But home is three animals and a sleeping boy. I can't laugh and blow off steam at home. I've tried. The dogs just give me "that" look and go back to bed. And NCH meows at me and runs off to plan his next assault on the bathroom rugs.

I am hoping when I am done with school I am able to find a better balance, to get some semblance of normal back to my life. To be able to go out and blow off steam without guilt, to see my loved ones more. But, I am really, really scared that I won't.