Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Holy statutory rape, batman!

You know what I find endlessly amusing? When they do ER scenes on shows that are not medical in nature and the doctor comes out and he is all "let's intubate, stat" and you giggle because the acting is so bad and the actor has that smug look on his face, like, I totally just pulled that off. I just spent 2 hours in that moment. The amusement wears off after about, oh, a moment.

Also, I had popcorn for dinner and came home and had some wine and am now kind of accidentally drunk and a tad sick to my stomach. I felt the public deserved to know.

I read the entire Twilight series. Just once. And if you know me, this is not a compliment. I have read the Harry Potter series at least 15 times. I am not doing my whole exaggerating numbers thing either. I actually estimate the number being closer to 20 and talking about it right now reminds me I haven't read it in almost a year and now I may start reading it tomorrow. Holy crap, is this wine pure grain alcohol?

I finally saw New Moon. If you don't know what this is, you also probably didn't realize Thanksgiving just happened and you may be a hermit. When I saw Twilight, it was opening weekend and a bunch of prepubescent girls were screaming and jumping and hugging and snapping pictures with their cell phones of Robert Pattinson (Edward) every fucking time he was on the screen. I am not sure people realize how close they were to the "Twilight Massacre." Naming it calmed me. I also toyed with "Prepubescent Murder Spree" and "Just fucking die right now." I am not so good at naming crime sprees.

Where was I? Oh, right. I have been reading reviews and blogs and watching TV and being unhermit like. The general consensus was: holy crap Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is hot. He is 17. I have spent almost two weeks silently judging all of you. He's a kid! How can you find a kid attractive! Seek help!

I stand corrected when I begrudgingly agree with the masses who have said they are willing to go to jail for that. The shame! At one point I thought, "I should look away" and then immediately thought, "holy shit, am I drooling" which was followed by "THE SHAME." Then he turned into a wolf. I don't so much go for the animal thing, so let's just say someone out there knew what we would all be thinking and saved us from ourselves. It is possible he may have then gotten wet and I passed out. I can't be sure.

If you were to ask me to review the movie? It is a good story, it is entertaining. Other than that...I would mention some pecks, some really bad dreams that made me laugh the acting was so bad, so much overacting I vomited a little in my mouth, and oh! isn't that Dakota Fanning? When did she grow up? If you haven't seen it yet, you just saw it. You're welcome. You owe me $15, which includes my popcorn. The drink is on me.

3 comments:

Bradshaw said...

Oh my god, you just made me laugh out loud. Where to begin. One, I'm right there with you on the Harry Potter books. My book two binding is falling apart, and I'm in the middle of number 4. Again. I don't even know how many times I've read them.

Twilight, though. Well. I read the series. I have some pretty damn strong feelings about the series (ahem EdwardisacontrollingpossessivestalkerwhoiskeepingBellaawayfromaperfectlyacceptableboyyetshestoomuchofaninnytounderstandthatcontroldoesntequallove ahem). I saw the first movie and hated it so much I refuse to see the second, so thanks, I guess. Also, send me to jail....holy jail bait. I think I'd eat ice cream off Taylor Lautener's abs. Not even kidding.

Bradshaw said...

And now my comment posted and you can't see the rest of my one word assessment of Twilight. Let your imagination do the rest. It's fun.

Brutalism said...

For what it's worth...I think you have a real knack for naming crime sprees. If I ever decide to embark upon one, you'll be my first call. I'd hate to do it without the proper branding.