Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This is actually happenning.

Remember the whore from the other night? I am trying to forget it too, so I'll give you a minute to re-read that post. Done? Awesome.

It turns out that the whore and the boy's friend (now the whore couple) are having secret sex and keeping it from another mutual friend of ours. I did not know this. Like, at all. When the boy told me that they were hooking up, I didn't even know who she was until I saw her at the Christmas party and was like, ohhhhh...THAT whore.

After we all parted ways, the whore couple went out with the friend they were trying to keep the sex from. This friend was trying to set the whore up with her husband's cousin. (I am aware how confusing this is, but it is necessary to the story. Stay with me here.) The whore couple arrives and the setup has NO idea that they are together, because they have been friends for years. So, he starts flirting with the whore, male whore gets pissed, threats were made, angry words exchanged, and everyone left pissed at everyone.

During all of this, I am texting with our friend and said that I was surprised the whore couple made it there because when we left them, they appeared to be on a one way train to sex town. Yeah, I said that. Friend is shocked, wants the details, I am shocked she doesn't know, details are shared.

Take a deep breath, that part of the story is over.

This morning, the boy sends me a picture of an iPhone conversation between him and the male whore. (This guy isn't actually a whore, it is just easier for the story.) Male whore had forwarded a grammatically repugnant text from the whore, pissed because everyone knew they were having "the sex." (her words, not mine) Basically, it said that the boy told me, I told our mutual friend, who then confronted the whore about lying to her. The male whore then tells the boy that they need to talk.

I reacted the way anyone over 12 would react, which was to say, I don't give a shit if he is mad, if he doesn't want people to know he's boning her, don't tell anyone or stop boning her. They are both single, culpable adults. Oh, and if something is a secret, precede the telling of said secret with DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS. Whatever. Eyes were rolled and I put it out of my mind.

When the boy got home from work, he called the male whore, who was having some sort of middle school flashback. He punched a wall, said that our mutual friend was dead to him, told the boy he was pissed at me, but not mad at the boy. All of this because we caused him to lose the love of his life, which, right. Apparently he is going to die alone and nobody wants to be with him and a bunch of other really dramatic stuff. My favorite part? The boy was in charge of telling the mutual friend that she was dead to him. No, I am not making that up. I am surprised he didn't ask him to call her on three-way so he could listen.

The boy and I have spent the evening laughing and in a complete state of shock, because, well, WHAT THE FUCK? All of these people have known each other for 18 years. I cannot even imagine what those 18 years have been like...

In order to avoid any further confusion, I want all of you to know that the boy and I are having the sex. We are also living in sin. And we never ever ever ever call it "the sex."

Now I will never have to have someone random call any of you and tell you that you are dead to me. You're welcome.


Big Jed said...

This was the best thing I have ever read immediately after waking up. Also, the whore and the male whore are both dead to me. You are responsible for letting them know.

Bradshaw said...

Bwahaha, three way calls. Lovely.