Anyone play the Harpoon?

I am going to apologize in advance for the fact that I am writing a post about reality TV. However, I have been hit with the flu twice this winter. Both times, the germs attacked when my DVR was fairly empty, so I resorted to watching what was on television. During the day. On weekdays.

(Note: There are a lot of people home during the day that want their men bigger. And I don't mean via the Bowflex. I thought these were reserved for strictly late night commercials. I was wrong.)

Do you know what else is on during the day? VH1 marathons (boo!) and Bravo Marathons (yay!) Unfortunately, Bravo was showing a Biggest Loser marathon. The Biggest Loser makes me feel guilty for sitting on the couch. Those trainers scare me and make me crave chips. So, I decided to watch the Tool Academy marathon on VH1. This was my first mistake.

Those of you who have not seen it (which I assume is everyone) let me give you a little background. A set number of women trick their boyfriends into going onto a reality TV show to be crowned Mr. Awesome. You can already guess the caliber of men who would enjoy being crowned Mr. Awesome on live TV. They get there, and are enrolled in the Tool Academy, where they have to pass lessons based on their relationships with the girls. Here are the highlights of the show:

• One "Tool" shows up with his girlfriend of two years (I am making that number up, I really don't remember) but switches to another girl when his girlfriend of 6 years shows up. They made it to the top 3 and she forgave him for everything.
  
  
• One "Tool" refers to himself as "Matsuflex" (note: his name is Ryan) and wears man-thongs. They made it to the top 2 and she forgave him for everything.
  
  
• One "Tool" is living off of his girlfriends child support payments and refuses to get a job. She walked out. And he wasn't all that goofy looking, so the picture is unnecessary.
• The winning "Tool" makes the following statement on the finale, during his own wedding: "There was a harpoon playing."
  
  

Stop acting all hurt like I gave away the ending. Nobody watches this show.

The ridiculousness of this show astounded me. These men were complete ass hats. They cheated, repeatedly, admitted it, and all of them were forgiven. They even had a lesson where they went into a club and just didn't have to cheat. And failed it. Or something. I just know that numbers were exchanged. I could only half watch this, because, seriously, my brain would melt if I gave it my full attention. I can't wait for the reunion show when I get to see who stayed together! (I just vomited a little in my mouth)

A HARPOON?

It is painful. You know what else is painful? Rock of Love Bus. I will admit that I watched Rock of Love. The sleaze factor on the Bus is off the charts in comparison. These women were making out with each other, wearing barely anything, and Brett was all, oh, this is so hot. GAG.

I am so completely overwhelmed by the influences on our teenage youth. It terrifies me to have to raise children and tell them to not dress like that, to not be that kind of woman, to not be that kind of man, to not date those kinds of people. To not create nicknames for yourself and walk around in man-thongs. I mean, who do you use as the "cool" role model. Miley Cyrus? Who is dating someone it is illegal for her to have sex with?

I will admit I am not that in tune with what the kids are watching, so maybe I am assuming the worst. But, I was that kid who got in with the wrong crowd. I did some stupid things and made some bad life choices. I struggle with how to teach my (one day maybe) kids not to make those same choices. But, I am promising the Internet right now, if my daughter ends up on Rock of Love Bus, I am going to find Brett Michaels and push his wheelchair off a building. Because, seriously, it is just gross.